- 4 years ago
- Wedding: November 2015
Seriously considered posting this under a fake account, but honesty is the best policy right?
I swallowed my pride and made an appointment with a Therapist in two weeks. I didn’t want to, I really didn’t want to, but I did it anyways because I know I needed to.
Fiance has been so incredibly supportive of me over the years. He has dealt with anxiety himself and completely gets how my brain works. He has told me, repeatedly, that he is so proud of me for making an initial appointment. He sits and listens to me as I talk about things and never purposely makes me feels judged for how I feel. He is the only person that knows I have this appointment made because I’m positive that he is the only person that won’t judge me or treat me like a delicate flower because of it.
My anxiety can be bad sometimes, especially if there are social activities involved. I rarely have a moment where I don’t feel some degree of anxiety. I have trouble focusing on things at work, I have trouble dealing with people I hate (hi FBIL’s GF!), and I never feel rested. There are times (rare thankfully) where I get heart palpitations and feel completely overwhelmed. Attempting to pull together information for our wedding planning has made things worse, as has the fact that I have my sister’s wedding coming up this year.
I want to be able to relax. I want to be able to talk to random people I meet without overthinking what I’m going to say or worry that I’m going to offend them somehow. I want to be able to enjoy my sister’s wedding without feeling terrified that I’m going to mess up or embarass our family somehow. I want to be able to approach wedding planning with happiness, not overwhelming stress. I want to imagine my wedding day without feeling panicked at the thought of people staring at me. I want to be able to be civil to the people I hate being around because it keeps the peace and makes life easier. I want to look forward to important things in life and not look at it with dread.
I’m petrified that counseling won’t work though. I’ve tried it once before, my Freshman year of College, when I was struggling with deep feelings of sadness. I didn’t like the Counselor and stopped seeing him; I’m sure he was very good at his job, but I didn’t like him and had this unexplainable feeling of being judged. . . and I’m worried that that will be my reaction this time.
I don’t open up easily to people. My best friend, who I’ve know for 18 years, doesn’t know everything about me – she has never even set foot in my parents’ home. Fiance is the only person I’ve met who I have been able to open up to completely. . . and even opening up to him completely took years to accomplish – I can’t even do that with my sisters or parents.
How do I make sure therapy helps this time? How do I go about building trust with someone I haven’t met yet when I can’t open up to people I’ve known my entire life? Is there anything I can do to stop worrying about this?