(Closed) Could turn controversial :( Dog from "ex" hateful feeling

posted 5 years ago in Pets
Post # 3
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You already know you’re wrong to take your feelings out on the dog. What exactly are you looking for?

Post # 4
Member
5480 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

What if he had a child with the other woman?  Would you hate the child as well?  I think this is something you should try to get over (and I’m sorry, but I’m not sure how).  The dog didn’t have ANYTHING to do with him cheating.  This is just a poor, defenseless, innocent bystander in all of this.  It isn’t the dog’s fault, and you should try to find SOME way to come to terms with this.

Hypothetically, let’s say you convince him to get rid of the dog.  The dog ends up in a shelter, completely confused as to why he was suddenly not wanted and no longer loved.  Who knows where he will end up.  Maybe nobody wants to adopt him because he’s an adult dog.  Now he’s alone, scared, and doesn’t know what he did wrong. 

Is that really fair to the dog? 

Post # 5
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Uh, this is tricky.

I really do GET what you’re saying. 

But you have to look at it as your dog now. Yes your FI fucked up a lot. And yes the dog is from the bitch he cheated on you with. BUT, you’re raising the dog. If you have shared dog custody with the ex- then yes, you should definitely be ten times more pisssed.

Try to remember that it’s not the dog’s fault. The dog is just simple minded and loves you and your fiance. It has no attachment to the ex.

If this was a kid, I’d 100% validate you on this. (No, not on hating the kid. Just the feeling of having a constant reminder of the other woman, because it would LOOK like her.) And I am trying my best to validate you, because I do really understand the feelings that you have. I just love dogs, haha.

 

Post # 6
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

As you’ve said- he didn’t cheat on you with the dog. Sounds like you have not forgiven and forgotten the cheating. THAT is something you need to work on, not how your significant other plays with a dog. 

And the dog lives with his parents? Who feeds the dog? Who takes the dog to the vet? If the answer is his parents, it’s their dog. 

Your FI should be able to pet and play with his parents’ dog. He should not have cheated on you, but if you can’t get over it, you can’t marry him. You’re projecting at the dog because you want to believe that you’re over the betrayal, but you’re not. Some people never are. Some people can get over it. 

Post # 7
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I guess what I’m trying to say is that yes, you’re being crazy. But I do understand it, and I know that I would feel the same way. But it’s your dog now! See if your FI will let you buy a house cat or something. Or a hamster. Or whatever. Then you get your own pet to love to death.

ETA: I just read that the dog doesn’t even live with you. Just forget about it. It’s not even your dog, and you don’t have to see it every day. And I’m a terrible person, but dogs don’t live forever. I love dogs and I’d be devastated to have a pet die…but this isn’t a “forever” issue. A kid would be for life. And his. And he’d be responsible for it.

Post # 8
Member
7988 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I feel bad for the dog.

Post # 9
Member
3183 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Another good reason people should never give puppies as gifts.

Post # 10
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It sucks and I think I’d be pissy, too, but it’s not the dog’s fault at all. Poor baby didn’t ask for some cheating skank to buy him or give him as a gift. Dogs are pretty much pure love and joy.. just try to focus on that.

 

At any rate, it sounds like you’ve not forgiven your fiance. Maybe that’s the real issue you need to deal with. Would you be up for counseling (either alone or with him) to deal with the issue? It sounds like you’re still really resentful of all this (which is 100% understandable!) and the poor dog is receiving your anger instead of your fiance and his “mistress.” I think you need to work out these feelings and issues before you marry this guy.

Post # 11
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I do completely understand what you’re saying.  I would feel the same way.  But yeah, like PPs said, the Dog doesn’t know.  He loves you, and he loves your FI, and he probably misses his family, living with FIs parents.  

I’ll throw my hat deeper into the ring here to explain:

When I first got together with DH (years and years ago), every time his son came over, I got uncomfortable.  He was a tangible reminder of his life before me (he didn’t even cheat on me, or anything, in fact, when his son was born, I was EIGHT.)  I never ever took it out on him, but it just took me some time to adapt and deal.

DH and I talked about it a lot, because obviously, if I couldn’t deal, then we couldn’t be together.  I started to see his son as a separate individual, and not just a product of his parents, and that helped a lot.  

This is what you need to do with the dog.  He came from someone that you obviously have negative feelings toward, but he doesn’t even remember that person.  He’s his own dog, with his own family, and you should have your own life with HIM.

I also think that you might benefit from some counseling here–not because I think something is wrong with you, but because it seems that you might have not actually forgiven FI for the affair, and you’re stuck in a bit of a holding pattern.  This is all something that I think, can be smoothed out with some work.

And, if the dog hasn’t been with FIs parents for long enough that he’s transferred his feeling of family, I think you need to take him back.

Post # 13
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

The dog doesn’t have to be a symbol of their fleeting relationship forever. I have a cat that I got with my ex, when we were still together. I kept the cat in the breakup, my ex never sees him or anything. But do I think of my ex when I’m snuggling my cat? Never. He’s my cat now. I don’t even think of the ex, much less think back fondly on that time we spent together.

You’re attaching this dog to the ex way too much, I think, and I sincerely doubt your FI makes that connection every time he loves on that dog.

Post # 15
Member
3831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I get where you are coming from.  She gave him the dog so its a constant reminder. But again its not the dogs fault. 

I guess if you can forgive your FI you can forgive the dog?

Post # 16
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I certainly understand being upset about the fact that she bought him a dog, but that was years ago and it’s not reversible at this point. Would you really want to be with a man who could stop loving a dog and even give it up after having it for years because of who bought the dog? There are men who do this with their children – abandoning them for a “fresh start” or a new family with a new woman – and while I’m not saying the two situations are identical, neither says anything good about the guy in question. 

His feelings for the dog have nothing to do with his feelings for the person who bought the dog. People can go through insanely bitter breakups and still adore the animals (or children!) they took with them from those relationships, and it doesn’t mean that it’s some lingering fondness for the ex at work. Please try to forgive the dog for what he couldn’t control (the identity of the person who paid for him) and allow him to be loved by his caretaker(s)!

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