- 6 years ago
First, I want to say two things:
1. Please only respond if you intend to read the entire original post and if you plan to respond with constructive criticism/comments. I know there have been times I haven’t read the entire post and missed important information. I really need advice and would greatly appreciate it.
2. I love my Fiance. He loves me. This has everything to do with hosting a wedding. Regardless of what we decide we intend to stay together and, eventually, get married. We have made that very clear to one another and are completely on the same page regarding this.
So, that said.
My guy and I got engaged in 2013. We had been together a while and it was a long time coming. He had hesitated for quite a while over actually proposing because he had no clue what he was doing (in regards to ring shopping) and he has anxiety. We worked together through those issues and we were both thrilled to be planning a future together.
We settled on a two year engagement and our wedding is in 8 months. We have our venue, our officiant, our photographer and DJ. . . but we aren’t excited. I never wanted the big wedding that we wound up planning – I have anxiety like he does and being the center of attention can make me uncomfortable. I had always been vocal about wanting to elope or having a small picnic like wedding – but my Fiance had told me he wanted something more traditional and I said ok (and honestly, I was ok with it). I figured 6 hours is a short time to be the center of attention in the grand scheme of things and having a nice party was worth it.
He told me last weekend that he doesn’t know what he wants in a wedding and all the issues we’re having with the guest list have made him not want to even discuss the wedding at all. When we first started planning he seemed excited and I honestly think he truly thought he wanted the big, dancing type party that a lot of couples have. We booked the venue in early summer of last year and had originally planned on inviting about 120 people – out of those, several have passed away (which is sad), several will be unable to attend due to distance or other weddings for the same time period (which we completely understand), and a huge chunk of people probably won’t be invited due to a recent rift between them and his parents (including his grandparents, who he adores). All in all, we’re looking at missing the minimum guest requirement for our venue by 20-40 people. We assumed starting out that there would be some people unable to attend, but we never expected that number to be so high.
Neither of us feel excited about the wedding anymore. I feel like I’m doing all this research and work to plan a wedding that is going to cost a ton of money ($20,000.00 budget) and that doesn’t even seem like it represents us. He feels guilty for not knowing what he wants and because he wasn’t communicating what he was actually thinking during the whole process. He also feels badly because he cares so much what other people think – he shot down the ideas I had to elope or have a small wedding because he was worried about what other people would think.
After our really good discussion this weekend we agreed on a few things:
1. No more wedding planning until April. We need time to really take a step back, evaluate things, and work on our communication skills.
2. Next weekend we hope to talk with his parents about everything – especially the family members involved in the rift. His parents aren’t to blame for what happened and we don’t want to invite anyone who is going to make it uncomfortable for them, so we want to see what they think.
3. If we haven’t made a decision on whether to cancel the wedding and start fresh by the end of the month then I told him we should just cancel it. Not sure if this is going to happen or not.
I want to cancel the wedding. I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in planning it now – to be honest, this planning process has never interested me too much and I feel as if I’ve been faking my enthusiasm for a long time. We’ve spent money on deposits, but it would be a small price to pay for peace of mind and not having to spend a fortune on a party we don’t want. I’d much rather start fresh and plan something small. Fiance isn’t sure if that’s the best decision, which is why I agreed to think things over for a month.
After our talk I felt a lot calmer and happier knowing there wouldn’t be any wedding planning until April. Today I got a huge wave of anxiety thinking about the situation. What I need from all of you is some advice. What would you do in this situation? Would you cancel the wedding? Would you postpone things? Would you suck it up and forge ahead? Is it worth keeping our current plans when we only expect 60-80 people to be able to attend and our minimum guest requirement is 100? How would you handle the potential conversation with his parents (who have made it clear we should do what we want with the wedding)?
Thank you in advance to everyone who takes the time to respond. I could really use an outside opinion on the situation and I think it would really be helpful.