Post # 16
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
I suggest sitting down with him and check out blog posts that involve real small weddings. See if you both respond positively to that.
I think a lot of the time, people have medium-large sized weddings even though it’s not right for them because they think that’s what’s “done” and they worry what people would think if they are not invited or if something is done “differently”. But it’s just not the case! Small weddings are just as normal as large ones, they just aren’t as talked up by the Wedding Industrial Complex (or mother-in-laws, haha).
All the best of luck to you and your Fiance.
Post # 17
Member
15 posts
Newbee
amanda.417: Hi! Thanks for the reply. I have considered doing that. It would make things far easier since the deposit for the venue was only $500.00 (the rest is due later this year). I’ll keep that in mind and see what Fiance thinks – it might be a good compromise for us if we can’t agree on things.
Post # 18
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
Can you do a scaled back version of the wedding you are currently planning? Maybe it’s at the same venue but with a smaller group of guests? Or can it be a brunch wedding (which sounds fantastic – never heard of it until someone mentioned it on here) or a cocktail wedding? Get married with an intimate group by candlelight and skip the big dinner thing?
Post # 19
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
TheMaskedBee: After reading your post as well as some Bee comments my advise would be to plan for the 60-80 guests but change your venue so you dont have to worry about the minimums you’ll have to meet. <br />A word of advice to pass on to your finace and his worries about what people will think…in 2,5, 10,15,30 yrs no one and I mean absolutely no one will remember any details about your wedding besides you guys. Humans are by nature selfish and we are all the centers of our own universe. These people he is worried about will not think twice about your wedding because they will be thinking about their own lives and worries. The only people who will remember it and care will be your parents and siblings, thats pretty much it.
Post # 20
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
We were in a similar situaion at one point. We both wanted a small wedding, and I kept finding as the planning went along that the scope was growing larger and larger. I was starting to feel guilty for not inviting all my extended family, then my Fiance at the time was getting anxious at how the guest list was growing. We decided to just cut back and have what we wanted, and it was the best decision for us. It’s so easy to get swept up in trying to make everyone else happy and forgetting what will make you happy.
We had a small outdoor ceremony with 20 guests (including the wedding party) and then a dinner at a fancy restaurant for everyone. I got to wear my wedding dress, we had the photographer, all the nice details. It was perfect – really low stress, and I got to spend time with the people I love the most. All the extended family was very understanding about it all.
I think you should do something like that. Keep the same day so you can keep your booked vendors that you can still use with a small wedding, like photographer, officiant, etc.
Post # 21
Member
15 posts
Newbee
geneva2: Lol! Our moms have actually been really awesome about everything. As long as we’re happy that’s all they care about.
I did try showing him smaller weddings when we first got engaged. At the time he didn’t seem to like it too much, but I’ll try again after the moratorium is over and we start making a firm decision.
Vineyard-bride15: Hi! I would consider a scaled back version at our venue, but unfortunately they have a 100 guest minimum requirement for weddings – regardless of what time the wedding is. Having a buffet dinner or something would help cut the costs, so I could mention that to Fiance and see what he thinks. I have a feeling that’s one of the things he will be firmly opionated on because it concerns food, but its worth discussing. Lol!
Post # 22
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
TheMaskedBee: I would see if you could get your money back or reach out to bridal blogs and see if you could get people to take over your contract at least so it doesn’t go to waste and maybe you can recoup some of the costs.
I totally agree with you though… For me, it wouldn’t be about the money as it would for peace of mind and having the wedding that I want.
Unfortunately, you are running out of time in regards to the planning, so I would try to make that decision soon.
Post # 23
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
TheMaskedBee: I would elope and THEN see if you want a reception/celebration. You want to be married but aren’t sure about a wedding- that’s fine. But I think at least part of your anxiety and heistattion might stem from feeling like canceling the wedding “says something” about your relationship. If you go ahead and just get married, the “wedding” portion is just a party and not as big a deal so you’ll be able to think about it with a clearer head.
Post # 24
Member
15 posts
Newbee
MelBee1: I’ve been telling him that for a while. With his anxiety its really tough for him to believe it though – everytime he thinks about how true that is his mind starts listing all the reasons people would care about not having a DJ or not having the top shelf open bar. I get that way about other things, so I absolutely understand what he is dealing with. I do really like the idea of just planning something smaller. I’ll just have to be patient and give him some time to process things.
Arae83: Its really nice to know other people have dealt with this stuff. I tend to get caught up in my own thoughts and worries, which makes it tough to deal with things. Knowing others have gotten through the stuff we’re dealing with is reassuring.
Post # 25
Member
15 posts
Newbee
MexiPino: Thanks! I know for sure that my Fiance doesn’t want to elope. I brought it up as an option before we started planning (and since we have had guest issues) and he has been firm about not wanting that. I don’t mind having a wedding if that’s truly what he wants – the hesitation stems from his being unsure what the best decision is and me wanting to give him some time to figure out what he really wants.
(Side note: I think he does worry that cancelling would say something about our relationship and he admitted that he’s worried it would be really embarassing to call the big wedding off now. Me? Not really. I know we’re solid and we want to have a future together regardless; to me, other people’s opinions about our plans don’t matter.)
MissJulianna: We’ve only paid $500.00 for the venue at the moment. Cancelling that and finding another place would be easy enough and wouldn’t cost too much in the long run. The Photographer and DJ we hired are from the same company, so that might be the area where we would consider finding someone to take over the contract or see if we could get some money back. I’ll keep that in mind when we talk again though – it might make him feel better to know that there are options.
Post # 26
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
TheMaskedBee: Not sure if this could apply in your case, but our venue has a smaller and larger room option, could you switch to a smaller one?
Or, if that doesn’t work, scrap the current venue ($500 is not really a big deal anyway) and find something you love on the same day. It’s totally doable. We are having less than 60 guests and planning the whole thing in about 7 months. Because of the small size of our wedding, even though we wanted an August date (super popular here) we still had lots of choices of venues. Restaurants are easy, inexpensive options with great food (duh) and with a small group, you could still have something special without the stress.
If you want to get married, but just not with the original wedding plan, I think you still do it and have a day you’ll love. It’s awesome that your Fiance and parents are so supportive. Just brainstorm together about what what’s important to you and what you feel comfortable with. Lots of time to make changes if you want. 🙂
Post # 27
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
TheMaskedBee: I’d wait till April 1st and re-evaluate. You might find that a break from planning is all you needed. Truthfully, I hated every step of the planning for our wedding. I found that it was stressful, and so “un-me”; but in the end I had a blast that day, and it pushed me out of my comfort zone in the best way possible.
Post # 28
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
TheMaskedBee: Just reading about the rift thing in the family and the fact that you guys don’t even enjoy planning a wedding I get the feeling that it now seems so.. forced.
I will repeat myself, but yes. I would cancel the wedding for now. Speak to your Fiance about it too, make sure he shares the same feelings.
Post # 29
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
TheMaskedBee: You’re still far enough away that it wouldn’t seem too abrupt- your invitations didn’t go out yet.
Who cares what other people think? If you reallllly need to tell them anything at all, I would just tell them that we are changing our venue and wedding style and just need more planning time. 🙂
Post # 30
Member
15 posts
Newbee
Vineyard-bride15: I considered that, but they have only one room available for weddings. Part of the reason we picked this place was because they only host one wedding a day – that plus they make great food, the staff is really down to earth and awesome, and we thought we could hit the minimum number of guests required (whoops!)
And yeah, our parents are amazing. My parents eloped and then had a Church Ceremony and reception a few months later – his parents got railroaded into a massive wedding because they didn’t know any better. So they all definitely understand the planning process and how horrible it can get at times. Lol!
curlybeans: You have a really good point. We both messed up by not communicating more about how we were dealing with things. His silence made me feel a lot of resentment because I felt like I was in it alone – my silence made him feel like I was fine with everything and made it tougher for him to try to open up. This planning break could be just what we needed to try and regroup. If we decide to move forward with out current plans after our break ends then I think it’ll be because its what we really truly want.
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