(Closed) Could you raise a child in a city on your own? What would you do?

posted 6 years ago in TTC
  • poll: Would you raise a child in a city with just DH, or move to be near family?
    Stay in city alone with DH : (91 votes)
    85 %
    Move near family : (16 votes)
    15 %
    Other : (0 votes)
  • Post # 32
    Member
    12246 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    We live in the city, 4 hours from my family and 6 hours from his.

    Our baby will be born very soon, and we are not worried at all! That being said, I’ll be a Stay-At-Home Mom, so sickness/daycare won’t be an issue.

    Post # 33
    Member
    6945 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @krex:  I would stay in the city you are currently in, and this is comeing from someone who MUCH prefers a small town and has no kids (yet!). 2.5 hours is NOT that far at all, yes it can be a stretch for emergencies, but honestly, is an emergency that MIGHT happen every few years enough to make you move from a place you *love*? Don’t get me wrong, I live in a small town, and am a 4 minute drive from my parents and my brother/SIL. I love it. 

    Here’s the thing about kids, and coming from someone without kids (yet) you can take it with a grain of salt. However, I’m the only one in my social circle (minus like 2 people) who don’t have kids – yet they have ALL said the same thing. Their friendsships changed when they had kids. Kids have a way of helping you meet people. All of them stand by the fact that it was much harder to make friends before they had kids. Once kids come along you meet other parents at daycare, playgroups, the park, mommy & me, etc. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    543 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @krex:  We’re in a similar situation, we love our city all it has to offer and our jobs. If we had the choice, we’d gladly stay here forever. We are so thrilled to be having our first baby here in the summer. Our families are 1,100 miles (mine) and 2,000 miles (his) away. They can’t visit us without some planning in advance. 2.5 hours seems like nothing to me! Honestly, I don’t consider that “alone” at all! You could potentially see old friends and family every weekend!

    Being far from our families has definitely forced us to make friends though. We have gotten to know all of our neighbors of all ages. We have formed close bonds with friends from work and from random places around town, favorite restaurants, the yoga studio, the dog park, and volunteering. It takes effort but it’s been so worth it to us to go outside our comfort zones and invest in making a strong social network and support system here. We now have several friends who are in the same phase of life as us, newly married, with young kids or expecting one on the way. It’s awesome. 

    I honestly think it would take a lot to force us to move, something like a serious illness. And in that case, we’d make it happen. But we feel confident that we have the support we need to get through the little obstacles in life. 

    Sure, we miss our families, but we wouldn’t trade the great life we have here for anything!

    Post # 35
    Member
    9137 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    That sounds exactly like our situation and we have no issue starting a family next year.  Now if I were a single parent I would definitely consider moving back to my homwtown so I could get more help from my family.

    Post # 36
    Member
    1660 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I only skimmed through your reasons for either… But I am in a similar situation, our nearest family is an hour and a half away, but the majority of DH’s family lives 5 hours away (though they have a country house halfway between for all of us) my family lives halfway across the country… So we basically have our life here, a few close friends and the people we work with.  We plan on having kids here, will it be harder since family isn’t around at a moments notice?  Yea. But we wouldn’t move, our business is here.

    I also think that involving yourself if/when you are pregnant with local community things, like prenatal yoga/fitness class, birthing classes etc. will help you make some friends that are at the same stage in life as you are, making real friends and then having a net to fall back on when you need it.

    Also, having a baby will make family come visit more often. I think I saw his family is only two and a half hours away? That’s really not that far, totally do-able for visits.  You said your husband and you have flexible work schedules so sick kids etc shouldn’t be too much of a problem. You can also find some kind of at home nanny if you think it would be a real problem. My sister is a Stay-At-Home Mom but takes care of a neighbor’s kid while they work a few days a week, it’s not a problem to her if the kid is sick, she loves the little boy like one of her own so she treats him like one of her own, she wouldn’t say he couldn’t be there just because he has the sniffles.

    Just some food for thought.

    Post # 37
    Member
    279 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    My Husband and I are going through the same thing.  My family lives a thousand miles away and his family ives about 30 to 40 minutes away in the suburbs.  We live in the city with us each commuting about 5 minutes to work.  But with a baby on the way it will be very tough to have any kind of help with no one remotely close so we decided to move to the suburbs and endure the long commute.  Just put in all our financial paperwork yesterday for the loan.

    It takes a village to raise a child so we decided to move closer to that village.

    Post # 38
    Member
    1916 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    My husband and I are planning to do the same thing in NYC.  I’m simply not interested in living in the suburban town that I grew up in to raise my children, and my mother has already told me that she is unwilling to watch my kids on a daily basis.  We plan to either hire a nanny or put our child in daycare once I return to work.  

    Post # 39
    Member
    9123 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    my parents were both born and raised in new york and all their family was in upstate new york or arizona at the time. 

    they married and decided they didn’t make enough money to raise kids in the city.  my mom said if i can’t live in manhattan, then i don’t want to live in new york at all.

    so they moved to maryland.

    my brother and i grew up with the closest relatives a 5 hour car drive away. we turned out fine.

    Post # 40
    Member
    454 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I would stay because I value the same kind of lifestyle you talk about in the city where you’re living.  Relatives 2-3 hours away is still close enough for frequent weekend and holiday visits.

    Also I think having kids opens up the door to meet lots of other parents and build friendships.  25+ years later, my mom’s best friend is still another mother she met through my preschool.

    Post # 41
    Member
    517 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’m dealing with the same issue BUT we’re not TTC yet, but I always think about the future and we live 4 hours away from family. All of the suggestions in this thread are excellent, actually made me feel better about not having family around 🙂

    Post # 42
    Member
    3101 posts
    Sugar bee

    @krex:  I am in the exact same situation!  We are in a very similar city to yours.  I want to TTC, Darling Husband does not.  This is exactly one of his concerns.  I think we’ll make it work!

    Post # 43
    Member
    8040 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Yup.. it will be our reality. I don’t think people should have kids assuming others will help raise it… that can lead to a lot of disappointment.

    My parents did it… I turned out fine.

    We’ll be hopefully moving to a new country before TTC and we’ll be a plane ride away from everyone we know.

    With that said, my mom has told me that she’s done raising kids.. so I wouldn’t expect her to pitch in a whole lot anyway even in the same city. My husband’s parents live in a different country.. so that was never a consideration either.

    I’ll hopefully make friends and get to know babysitters, but there won’t be any days spent with grandma on a regular basis.

    I’d hate to live far away from a big city.. I find that so isolating.

    Post # 44
    Member
    6593 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I am currently pregnant with my 1st. I live in a different country and a 14 hour drive away from any family.

    We are not moving home to have a family. We will build a support system here with caregivers and friends. I couldn’t jepordize all of my other life goals just so I would have more support (my career is here).

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