(Closed) Could/Would you be friends with someone you didn't respect?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you stay friends with someone you didn't respect?
    Yes, without question. My friends can make their own choices without my judgement : (18 votes)
    15 %
    Yes, I would mentally separate the behaviour I hated from her other behaviours I'm okay with : (32 votes)
    27 %
    No, but it would be a hard decision to make : (32 votes)
    27 %
    No way and I wouldn't look back! I don't need that in my life : (35 votes)
    30 %
  • Post # 33
    Member
    12246 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @MrsPanda99:  I know I couldn’t be. I had a friend whose Girlfriend broke up with him, so he got into extreme politics. The person he is now is so radically different from the friend I made, that I don’t even miss him as a friend!

    My Mom also had a BFF in their creepy middle class cult neighborhood. She started cheating on her husband, and even though her 3 kids were friends with my younger 2 siblings, she stopped hanging out with the Mom. (BFF was cheating, not my Mom)

    Which ended up being a good call, because when the BFF kicked her husband out of the house, moved her Boyfriend or Best Friend in (who was also married), it started the divorce of the century! It was ugly, and my Mom was glad she could be there for the husband/my Dad’s BFF

    Post # 34
    Member
    727 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @MrsPanda99:  It depends on what behaviours.  If it mostly doesn’t concern or implicated me, then I can ignore it for the most part and not care.  However, if it’s something that I’m being dragged into, whether that be by actions or by having to keep secrets or lie to others etc., then no, I want no part of it.  On your cheating example, I very much dislike cheating, but if she choses to do it and doesn’t expect me to lie for her to give her advice when I clearly couldn’t be telling her anything she would want to hear, then I could probably still be friends.

    I also think the number of these behaviours contributes as well.  If it’s just one thing that I can’t respect, I can probably ignore that topic and focus on the good stuff.  But if there are several behaviours that I really have a hard time dealing with, then no, we probably wont be good friends.

    Post # 35
    Member
    3829 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I dont respect my Brother-In-Law.  He has a wondering eye and its very obvious. He’s cheated and i know it. My husband doesn’t want to believe it.  So because he is a cheater, and therefore a liar, i have no respect for him.  I am civil, but we will never be friends. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    4304 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Yes, I would and I have because it isn’t my life.  The only person’s life I can control is mine.  If I am honest with myself – I have done things I am not proud of.  So for me to judge anyone else would be absolute bullshit.  Yes, I’m older, I’ve grown and I’ve changed – but still. 

    My Brother-In-Law is extremely homophobic, and it bothers the shit out of me.  But I have to respect him because it’s his life and his choices.

    My best friend since 5th grade is now dating a guy, who, at the time she started talking to him lived with a woman and her two kids.  Fuck no I didn’t think that was cool.  And I TOLD HER THAT.  End of story.  She is gonna do what she wants.  But it hasn’t changed the type of friend she is to me.  SO.  Not my business.  I don’t have to live with her decisions – she does.

    Post # 38
    Member
    2250 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @MrsPanda99:  “letting the friendship take its natural course” –> this exactly. I probably wouldn’t straight up end the relationship, but I doubt it would remain strong for long.

    ETA: Whaaa? You… speak your mind? No. Way.

    Post # 39
    Member
    984 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I respect the fact that my friends are adults and can make their own choices. Unless those choices are horribly dangerous or begin to impede on my life, I have no right whatsoever to push them about and try and make them change. I owe them basic respect as an adult and a human being even if I think they’re being idiots.

    Post # 40
    Member
    2587 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

    @MrsPanda99:  I wouldn’t necessarily have a ‘break up’ with them, but I think I would let things naturally drift apart on their own.

    To be fair – when it’s happened, these people haven’t necessarily done something I morally disagree with, but – and this is going to make me sound awful – they were part of a larger group of friends from school/University, and the longer I knew them the more I just found them tiresome and frankly stupid. And there are only so many utterly inane comments and inaccurate statements, and tragically misspelled facebook statuses (or statuses where they could literally answer it in two seconds if they bothered to use google) that I worry my eyes will fall out from rolling.

    This makes me sound like such an intellectual snob but honestly that’s not it – I have a lot of dear friends who aren’t necessarily academic, but they clearly have nounce about them and are funny and witty, and have very good hearts. It’s the people who are shallow and dull and have no wish to improve themselves that bother me, who just are happy to moan about all the perceived injustices against themselves instead of doing anything about it (and usually inaccurately claiming things as well).

     

     

    Most of my friends share the same moral compass as me, so if they did something that I thought was wrong, they’d know it was wrong too, and wouldn’t need me to tell them. It would depend also on whether it was a one-off thing, whether they acknowledged their error, or whether they kept doing it and refused to see the problem.

    Post # 42
    Member
    1531 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    If her actions do not disrespect you, then why should your friendship be in jeopardy?  Everyone makes bad choices, and if you have a strong friendship foundation you shouldn’t drop her as a friend just because she has a lifestyle you disagree with.  Don’t get involved with her drama, and even if she asks for advice, remember it is her life and she can choose what to do/what not to do.

    My lifelong best friends have made some horrible decisions and choices.  Since it doesnt effect my life I have no trouble being friends with them.

    Post # 43
    Member
    4304 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @MrsPanda99:  But you can also choose how involved you want to be.  After it was clear that they were going to continue this “thing” or whatever was going on – I stopped asking her about it.

    I made the mistake many years ago of letting a girlfriend unload too much shit on me, and she was in all these crazy relationships, constantly with this or that guy.  But one thing that really bugged me was her last long term dude had an incurable STD, and she was sleeping with these guys off the Internet and not telling them nor being safe.  Like, I just got too involved.  She ended up calling ME judgemental after I told her that she deserved more than what she was putting herself through and dumped me as a friend.

    Might I suggest if your friend keeps bringing up a topic you don’t respect, to respectfully tell her to shut the hell up & tell her you don’t want to talk about it with her anymore.

    My BFF and I now talk about her Boyfriend or Best Friend, but I keep it very, very casual.  I think he is a total scumbag for other reasons, and I really don’t respect her for what she did, but it is in the past.

    Post # 44
    Member
    667 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    No. If I can’t respect somebody, it’s hard for me to feel any kind of friendship towards them.

    For instance, people that take their relationship issues to facebook? Generally, I cut them out of my life because that exhibits the kind of immaturity that permeates every other aspect of their life. I can’t respect it.

    People who are dishonest and lie to get government benefits? Definitely can’t respect that.

    Why would I want to spend my time around individuals whom I can’t respect?

    Post # 45
    Member
    2250 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @MrsPanda99:  I’m with you. I am VERY close to my family… my parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, and I am so thankful for that. I have unfortunately had a nasty split with a friend before too, and it sucked at the time but in the end, I felt like I could breath easier without her. When it gets to that point, it’s time to say good bye.

    Post # 46
    Member
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee

    @MrsPanda99:  For me there’s a difference in engaging in a singular activity I don’t respect and me not respecting someone.

    For example, if someone did rec. drugs, something I don’t respect or condone, that wouldn’t make me not respect the person. Same with cheating, I’ll get flamed for this but some people have their reasons and I try to stay concerned with my own relationship. Of course there are extreme situations for me that don’t get the “no judging pass” ie abuse, child neglect, etc because I believe those things make someone an awful person.

    Like some other PPs, it would take the total package for me to write someone off or lose respect for him/her. I would have to see and believe that what she’s doing makes her a bad person…because good people do bad things too.

     

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