(Closed) Couple requests money instead of wedding gift- how do you give this?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
1337 posts
Bumble bee

For cash gifts I put it in a card. For donations, I would put the card the charity gives inside a card. If the charity doesn’t give anything, I would write a note in the card saying” A donation as been made to bla bla”

Distant friends I would do $50 close friends $100. Depends on your budget though.

Post # 3
4076 posts
Honey bee

Print the donation receipt or whatever confirmation you get, write a check for the cash gift couple (do NOT put actual cash as wedding money is easy to steal), and put both of these gifts in congratulatory cards. 

I wouldn’t say anything to avoid certain types of gifts. If you get something you don’t want, return it or use it for something else. Example of alcohol, save it for when you’re entertaining or give as a hostess gift to someone else. 

Post # 4
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Montego Bay, Jamaica

I’ve always written a check and put that in a wedding card. There has always been a labeled box of some sort at the reception where people can put the cards. If you don’t know the couple very well at all, I would think $50 is good. 

I don’t think there is a nice way to say you don’t want something. 

Post # 5
7987 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What the fuck is a cash donation “to yourself”?! Are they registered charities? Ugh thats so gross.

Asking for gifts is gross. Specifiying cash only is worse. Don’t specify what types of gifts you dont want either. If you don’t drink alcohol, you can gift it to someone else.

Post # 6
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I hate these types of “gift” as it deprives you of the pleasure of choosing and wrapping a throughtful gift you think they will like.

Well the gift should be about the reciever, not the giver so I don’t agree with it depriving you.  That’s a selfish way to look at it. 

I would just put cash in a card, we don’t really use cheques that often in the UK anymore.  


View original reply
Shinytoy :  

Post # 7
1546 posts
Bumble bee

We just tend to just put cash or a cheque in a card and thats what we received at our wedding. Sometimes people will give a small gift as well or instead of money if they feel self conscious about the amount of money. Any amount is fine though, we had cash ranging from £15 to £80 per couple and a few couples who gave small photo frames instead of cash. If they have asked for a honeymoon donation there is usually a website to donate onto then you just give a card at the wedding. Ive never seen anyone do a charity donation but unless they requested a specific charity I would probably just write in their card that a donation to ‘whatevercharity’ has been made in their honour. I probably wouldnt put a receipt or write the amount donated.

For the no alcohol request, I would just spread it by word of mouth that you dont drink or dont like alcohol. We dont drink and most of our guests already knew that so we only got one or two bottles. 

Post # 9
900 posts
Busy bee

I always just give cash since I hate writing checks and waiting for people to cash them. And I have a wedding coming where they asked for cash gifts. Ugggh. It really doesn’t need to be said. If they arent registered anywhere people will know what to do. I do like the idea of donating to a charity though. 

Post # 10
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

We got 3 physical gifts, and the others were cash/checks at our wedding. I’d say it was probably 75% checks, 25% cash. Obviously the cash is easier for giver and receiver, but is more easily stolen if that’s a concern. 

We usually write checks and place inside a card.

Post # 11
9386 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
Shinytoy :  if I’m giving cash I write a check and stick it in the card. However couples that explicitly ask for cash are not likely to get it from me lol. As for requesting no alcohol – I agree it’s typically rude to say what not to buy, but if one of the couple has a drinking problem or is recently sober I think it’s appropriate (and commendable) for them to try to head off temptation ahead of time if they know their guests would typically gift alcohol for weddings. 

Post # 12
14027 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Your question about what to do is different than the issue of whether the couple is crossing the line to dictate gifts, which they are. 

Assuming you want to give cash, just write a check and include it in a card. Most properly, you should send gifts ahead of time, although many people don’t. That way you aren’t imposing on the couple, who have to find a safe place for the gift or arrange for transportation. 

If you are giving to a charity, the charity will usually request the couple’s address and send them a note saying that a donation has been made in their name. You can also include that information in a card.

But, unless you’ve specifically asked them what they would like, it’s rude for people to preemptively tell you. They are supposed to be grateful for any gift you might give them. Obviously, you try to take the couple’s tastes in mind. Traditional etiquette considers cash gifts impersonal and inappropriate, but money is still a common gift in many cultures. 

Post # 13
709 posts
Busy bee

My fiance comes from a large Italian family. Every wedding we have been to for his family has been like the scene from Goodfellas where the couple is seated and family member after family member gives them a card with a check or an envelope of money. If a couple doesn’t register for gifts, or says “no boxed gifts” it can be assumed they just want money. I dont see anything wrong with that. Maybe they are saving for a house? Maybe they want to use it for their honeymoon? I usually bring a boxed gift to the shower and a card with money to the actual wedding.

Post # 14
237 posts
Helper bee

I also come from an Italian family and we literally never give gifts, usually not even at showers. That said, we never write on our wedding invitations that we prefer monetary gifts – it’s just assumed (although sometimes on shower invites it is written). There is always some type of fancy box that people drop their cards with your gift into at the wedding. While I don’t expect gifts for my own wedding, if given the option I’d prefer cash over boxed gifts as Fiance and I already have been living together for four years so we don’t need anymore “stuff”. The point of the gift is to give the couple something to start their new lives together with, so I don’t think it’s wrong that they’d prefer cash (although, again, in my culture that’s the norm). Also, if you’re worried about the box of cards getting stolen (which has happened – some people even hire security to guard the box here lol), just write a check. 

Post # 15
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

View original reply
Shinytoy :  Check or Cash, do not give a gift card because it would be pointless (unless you could exchange that gift card for real money). 

There are usually boxes at the wedding where you can put your card or envelope with the check or cash in it. If not, you can always approach the bride/groom and give it to them personally.

As for, how much? I go the Chinese way and just gift an aproximate of how much they spent on my share of the banquet. 

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