- Miss Candy Corn
- 9 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012 - Our backyard!
Hello hive! I haven’t been posting many bee-caps lately because Mr. Candy Corn and I have been going through some…things. Mr. CC has been falling into a really bad depression with some major anger management issues. We aren’t really having fights with each other and his anger is never aimed toward me–most of the time he is just fuming about things that he won’t open up about. I’m sure he’s putting a lot of pressure on himself since he spent 7 years in college and has finally graduated and feels like he is a failure because I’m still the one who pays all of the bills (I honestly don’t mind and never hold against him, but understand why he would feel that way).
The night before my birthday (last month), he admitted that he had $3,000 of credit card debt that was stacking up from college expenses and that he was too proud to tell me. He said he thought he could fix it himself. Needless to say, all of our honeymoon money went toward paying it off. I asked for his login information for the two personal bills (credit card and phone) that he is accountable for. His purchases that led up to $3,000 of debt were legit–gas (from commuting an hour each way every day to school), food, books, car repairs, etc. I had suspected for months that he was having trouble paying his credit card bill and I literally asked him every month if he needed any help. He always said "I’m on top of things" with a smile, so I trusted him. I knew if I asked for his login information or that I wanted him to prove it to me, I would feel like the biggest jerk for questioning him. I guess I should stick with my gut instinct next time. I’ve always been incredibly open with him about my finances and when my credit card bill is higher than usual, I’ll admit it, just so he’ll know. He’s always been very guarded about trusting me with his finances (I guess I know why now), which I find a bit hard to understand considering we are now married and should be able to discuss finances, not hide them.
I was much more hurt that he hid this from me for 8 months than the fact that we’d have to take out all of our savings. I tried to be very understanding and tell him we’d get through this and it’d be okay and not to worry, but his anxiety, anger and depression hit a new level.
I decided to treat us both to a couples massage two weekends ago, which was really lovely. After that I had gotten us tickets to see the Phillies because I figured we could use a fun day of relaxing together. The Phillies were losing 5-0 in the first inning (darn Red Sox!) and Mr. CC just jumped out of his seat and started screaming about how he was going to "punch somebody in the f-ing face!" and then he stormed out and left. I stayed in my seat and said outloud "Really? Did that just happen?" He texted me from the car telling me we were leaving. In the first inning. I was mortified and the little boy who was sitting next to him looked like he was really scared. That’s when I decided we needed space because it was becoming unbearable having to come home and not ever know what kind of mood he’d be in.
I asked him to move in with his parents (who live an hour away) until he felt comfortable enough to go to therapy and then we could go from there. A week passed and we only saw each other once to go see a movie and other than that we spoke on the phone a bit each day, but I told him it was important for him to get his head together and think about the steps we can make to help resolve our issues.
He made an appointment with a couples therapist and we went on Monday and it was a huge relief to have someone to talk to and get some perspective. Mr. CC has agreed to take depression medication (he took it throughout junior high and early college) if she believes that would be a good idea (she already does, but wants to give him at least a month before deciding). I can tell he’s really making an effort and I think the time apart (although it was only a week) was the right move. I can’t say it was easy falling asleep alone for the first time in 7 years though (apart from our wedding eve night).
I asked Mr. CC to move back in since we had been to counseling and already have appointments scheduled once a week for the next few months, so I feel like if something else does come up, it will really help to have someone there to talk to and hear both sides. I know that therapy won’t "fix" things automatically, but I have hope that we will be okay in the long run.
The hardest part for me is not knowing how to handle his anger. When I get angry, the first thing I want to do is sit down and talk about things rationally and quiety until the problem is somewhat resolved. With Mr. CC, he hides his emotions and lets it build up until he just bursts with anger at the most random thing (or usually when the Phillies lose) and then he usually leaves the apartment for hours to pace around the neighborhood. When he returns he goes straight into the shower and then bed without speaking (and usually pretends like everything is fine the next morning). We’d have arguments where this would happen like once every 6 months before where he would just lose it, but since April it has been happening weekly, sometimes every other day, and I just sit and observe and try my best not to push any buttons and give him as much space as possible.
Anyway, this is a huge epic rambling post, but I just wanted to explain why I’ve been so quiet. I plan on starting back up with the recaps soon though, I promise 🙂 I thought it’d be nice to talk freely with readers and bees, especially those who are also in couples therapy. I think it takes a lot of bravery to admit when things are going downhill and it’s especially hard when having to approach your parents without feeling like they are thinking you’re admiting defeat.
I’m really happy with our therapist and am actually looking forward to our next session on Monday. We haven’t had a single argument and his temper hasn’t flared up once since our appointment this past Monday (I know, it’s only been a few days, but still), so those are some good baby steps in the right direction.
Thanks for reading.
Mrs. Candy Corn