(Closed) couples with big age gaps.. do you worry about aging?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
982 posts
Busy bee

Yes! Hes 9 years older. I worry about kids and health problems and losing him too soon. But the pros definitely outweigh the cons! Like others have said, there’s no changing it and it just makes me want to live life to the fullest! Plus, I don’t think it’s much different to anyone in a relationship worrying about their SO.

Post # 33
5540 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Knowing I will probably outlive him statically anyway makes me happy dh and I are only months apart in age.

Post # 34
240 posts
Helper bee

I worry about it, hes 11 years older, and my dad died recently and my mom isnt even 60 yet..seeing her makes me worry because Its not a happy situation to be in

Post # 35
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@hollysprig Your concerns are very valid.

But I agree with most PPs that say don’t let it steal your joy in the present. Focus on each day that you have with him and make the best of it because tomorrow isn’t promised to either of you.

He is 8 years older than I am and I have worried too because I think I’m definitely way healthier than he is and he has not always been kind to his body in the past.  I’ve already told him that I will be taking an active role in his health and making sure he takes every measure necessary to be healthier in the future in hopes that he has a better chance of living longer. Because when all is said and done if we both make it to old age, I want him to be healthy and to live as long as possible.

Post # 36
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

We’re seven years apart, so not really. The men in his family live FOREVER- long, healthy lives. He’ll probably outlive me.

Post # 37
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@hollysprig:  When I dated an older man, this was absolutely a concern. I know you can never tell what is going to happen, younger people can die first, etc, etc. However, the liklihood is that someone so much older is going to die first and the younger person will be left to live retirement alone. My age gap was huge though – I was in my early 20s and he was in his early 40s. For this reason, and several others, I wouldn’t personally choose to marry someone so much older. Fiance is only a few years older than me and I am good with that 🙂 

Post # 38
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I worry about it a bit because I am older – by 7 years. I worry that my health will begin to fail way before his. I don’t think it will be a huge problem until we are elderly though, God willing.

Post # 39
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

All I have to say is, don’t joke to (or around) your kids (if you have them) about the age difference meaning he will die sooner, women live longer, etc.  My dad was 18 years older than my mom, and she would joke about those things, and it wasn’t fun growing up with that thought always in the back of my mind.  Even if it was just meant in a joking way, kids will still internalize it.

Post # 40
78 posts
Worker bee

He’s he one that always brings up that he’ll be gone way before me. I try not to think about it, but it does upset me when he says it. 

Post # 41
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If you’re really, really in the mood to get depressed about aging partners, watch Amour. I watched it with my husband and wow. Pretty rough.

Post # 42
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I hadn’t thought about it until we got engaged. I never had a problem with our 10-year age difference before (and I really still don’t) but I started thinking about how we’ll have to have kids very soon after our wedding to have them before he turns 40 (he’ll be 37 when we get married). I don’t think a whole lot about the aging/dying kind of stuff. His family tends to live longer than mine does (well, not really. The women in my family live forever, it’s the men who die early). I guess because my dad died young I’m kind of prepared for that possibilty whether or not he’s 10 years older than me. 

Post # 43
463 posts
Helper bee

I think there are multiple related issues that come up in an age-gap relationship:

1. Quality of life as you age.  This one I dealt with by talking with my SO about what we both want out of life and what our standards are.  I needed to know that my SO would not allow himself to act “old,” like an un-curious cranky vegetable or whatever.  In return I will cheerfully deal with the physical needs of his aging butt.  I consider these to be like personalized vows between us.  I was fine with this issue once I knew that he wasn’t going to give up on life and stop being fun.

2. Actual dying.  For this one, frankly, I just had to suck it up.  I’ll probably be a young widow, and I accept that.  I’m not going to break up with him because of our ages, so I just had to choose not to be sad about it.  Life is fundamentally unfair in so many ways, and this is not even the worst of them.  It’s not easy to accept the unfairness of life, but if you can do it, it can be incredibly freeing.  My SO is a lot better at that than I am, so it helps to have his example.

I agonized over our age gap for literally years, so I absolutely relate to anyone who has these worries.  But in the end I just had to get over it.  I will probably have to watch my parents grow old and die too, and that isn’t going to be any easier than with my SO.  If you can get through life without ever dealing with the death of someone whom you deeply love and depend on, chances are you didn’t have many people to love.

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