- 4 years ago
I feel bad for you. I would be super pissed. If it was a third cousin and you didnt have family attending your wedding that were attending his it wouldn’t matter. But the fact that people now have to choose is very upsetting. ESPECIALLY since he received a Save the Date.
Can you call him and talk to him about the conflict and see if there is anything he can do? Men forget things, maybe it just slipped his mind? 😫
I’d be pissed too. Especially if there’s a lot of overlap in your guest list. I’m sorry, bee, that really sucks.
I think its kind of unreasonable for people to say because it’s a 3rd cousin you don’t have the right to be upset. I would say it depends on the closeness/nature of the relationship, some families are very close with “distant” relatives. I have 2nd and 3rd cousins who we spend holidays with every year and my parents are the legal guardians of their kids so in my family it would be a huge deal if one of those 3rd cousins planned an event for the same day we did or vice versa. Just because some people think a 3rd cousin is a distant relation doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the case for everyone’s families. I also think the fact that people you’ve invited have already told you they are choosing the other wedding over yours entitles you to be upset.
FutureMrs.Cammack: Yup, my family is the same way! In my family, a cousin is a cousin, it doesn’t matter how far down the line they are. I just included the fact that he was a third cousin because we don’t share the same grandparents, so fortunately, our grandparents won’t have to choose which wedding to attend.
Brielle: Thank you for the insight. I hadn’t even considered that they might have had to choose that date due to venue availability, work schedules, etc. But that’s my point: if they absolutely HAD to choose that date for whatever reason, I understand, but they could have at least had the courtesy to let us know, you know? It isn’t so much that they “copied” my wedding date, it’s that they went about it in the wrong way (in my opinion, anyway).
This may be a stupid question, but are you sure they picked the same date as yours? It’s not a mix up or misunderstanding? They may have had a reason that they needed this date, but given that they had already received a save the date to your wedding, it seems really surprising.
I know in many families, second or third cousin isn’t a distinction- you are cousins and spend many holidays together. If he really has chosen the same date as yours, this could be really challenging for your guests.
You could approcah him directly- “hi ____, I know you have already received the save-the- date for our wedding on ______, but I just wanted to double check with you as a couple of relatives told me they thought you were being married on the same day? Did they possibly make a mistake on the date?”. Then, if he did, I’d just be gracious regardless. If he chose it knowing your date, it is unlikely he would change it and I would not even ask. I would, however, get my invites out early with an early RSVP date in case you are looking at a smaller guest list than you first anticipated. It’s unfortunate, but if he chose the same date, it just puts your relatives in a difficult position.
Sorry! Don’t let this put as damper on your wedding planning- it will still be a great day!
babygrandmabee: Thank you for the feedback. I’m kind of over it now, I just needed to have a moment to vent about it and get it off of my chest, haha. That’s a good point about the guest list, though! And to be honest, I’m not even super close to the family members who aren’t attending my wedding because they’re attending his wedding instead, so I guess it isn’t that big of a deal, when I look at it that way.
I’m going out on a limb, if a third cousin told me their date 2 years ago there is a decent chance that I wouldn’t remember the date.
Edited: missed the part where you said you sent save the dates in august, I thought you sent them 2 years ago! haha
I’d love to know his reasoning for this. Also if they didn’t realise they obviously now know it’s the same day, have they apologised or even acknowledged it?
lexirose05202016: it sucks, but really – what can you do now? Let them know you are upset they would make some people choose.
And to the bees who think third cousins don’t matter – please remember that not every family is the same as yours, and to some people, third or more cousins ARE important.
howdoyoudo: Nope, they haven’t said anything to us. Actually, my mom found out from another family member who had been invited to both weddings. I’ve never been super close to this cousin (I invited him to my wedding out of respect since I invited everyone else in his immediate family), so I’m not surprised he hasn’t contacted me, but our parents and grandparents are close and keep in touch regularly, so I’m kind of surprised they didn’t say anything, since I’m fairly certain that if the roles were reversed, they would have been upset if I hadn’t reached out to them first before booking my venue. Oh, well, there’s nothing that can be changed now. If people can’t come to my wedding because they’re going to his wedding instead, it is what it is!
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