Post # 1
Long time lurker, first time poster! All my wedding planning has been smooth sailing until this point, hence not needing to post anything until now..
We are having a small wedding , 35 people invited. To keep it small we decided to only invite immediate family members, aunts and uncles and a few close friends. We did not invite any cousins from either side.
The invitations went out about a month ago and I got a text from my cousin last night (who lives out of state) saying she has always wanted to visit the state we are having our wedding in ( which is my FI’s home state, so some of my family is also needing to travel) and said flat out she was going to come. She’ll be travelling with friends and “wanted to make sure i was ok with her coming”.
I still haven’t responded , I talked it over with my Fiance and he is ok with whatever I decide. She is the only single adult cousin on my side of the family and does travel quite a bit anyway. I just don’t want hurt feelings from other cousins who were not invited , especially local cousins on my FI’s side.
Ugh, do I stand my ground and tell her no, she cannot come or do I let her come?
Post # 2
I would flat out tell her you’re only having a small guest list and cannot accomodate her. That’s awfully rude of her to do that to you.
Post # 3
This one is tough. First of all I don’t like the fact that she invited herself ugh so nervy. Ok lets do some serious thinking – answer these questions and hopefully this will help you decide.
- Are you super close with this cousin? i.e msg each other regularly and see each other any chance you have etc
- Are the other cousins you invited closer to you than her or is she the closest?
If the answer to 2 is no then I think you can make the exception for her if you want to but if the answer is no then politely tell her that you are keeping it very small and aren’t having any cousins but if someone can’t make it you will be happy to extend the invite to her. If there are other cousins that are closer to you than her you will get hurt feelings.
ETA – instead you can invite her to have a girls day sometime before the wedding if she will be in the state at that time.
Post # 4
Yikes, that was rude of her. I like PP’s idea of inviting her to a girl’s day or something. I’d tell her sorry but you’re having a small wedding and can’t accommodate her, but would love for her to come visit and you two could grab lunch or something. Even if you are closest to this cousin, I think family is kinda an “all or nothing” situation unless there’s bad blood (which it doesn’t seem like this is the case). I wouldn’t just invite her; it’ll stir up drama.
Post # 5
Do not accomodate her. Tell her you are having a small wedding and will not be able to invite her due to space. It isn’t like you’re picking and choosing cousins. You aren’t inviting any. She doesn’t get special treatment.
Post # 6
“Are you ok with me coming?”
“No. We’re having a small ceremony and don’t have space for wedding crashers. But if you’re in the area a couple weeks before the wedding I’d love to go out for a girl date with you”
Post # 7
Nope. She’s being rude, presumptuous and wrong!
I would just say that you’re really sorry but your numbers and guest list are fixed and there’s no space to add anyone else.
Post # 8
Wow! I’m always amazed by people who feel comfortable enough to invite themselves to an event they weren’t invited to.
If you don’t want her to come, I would just be completely transparent and say that you’re having a small wedding and would like to avoid hard feelings among the cousins by giving the appearance that she was invited and others weren’t. Say you hope she understands and enjoys her time in the state, give her some suggested things to see/do while visiting, and offer to meet her while she’s in town (if you have time).
My mom always told me that if someone has the nerve to ask for something, you can have the nerve to say no.
Post # 9
Normally, I am on the side of inclusion and if she had asked nicely I would have said to try to accommodate her if possible. However, she pretty much told you that she is invited and that is rude and presumptuous. In this case, I would feel the need to assert my autonomy and control over my own wedding by telling her (politely) that she is not invited. Her message is akin to saying, “your wedding is no big deal, so I’m just going to pop on over and attend. No problem, right?” Nope, that would not sit well with me.
Post # 10
Unless you have a close relationship with her (like a friend, and closer than your other cousins), I’d say, “I’m so sorry, but we’re having a pretty intimate wedding with just immediate family and a few close friends. I love you, but I would hate to hurt the other cousins’ feelings by having you there when none of them were invited. We’d love for you to come visit us some other time!” (Assuming you live in that state.)
Post # 11
“My mom always told me that if someone has the nerve to ask for something, you can have the nerve to say no.”
Love it. Great philosophy.
Post # 12
jazzybee83 : it was kinda rude for her to ask you if she could come even though she never received an invite, but personally, if I had a cousin who didn’t invite me to their wedding, I’d probably sever the relationship. It would make me feel unimportant and like I wasn’t a valuable person to the person getting married.
Of course you can tell her she’s not invited, but be prepared for hurt feelings and potentially ending your relationship with your cousin. I’m not trying to be rude, and I understand that weddings can be expensive, but I cannot imagine how your other cousins will feel when they find out they weren’t invited either.
this really is a no-win situation bee. I’m sorry 🙁
Post # 13
I’d stand your ground. Otherwise it has the potential to snowball.
Post # 14
Just tell her, ‘sorry, no, we cannot accomodate guests that weren’t a part of our wedding plan’ and make sure the maitre D knows that there are to be no uninvited guests period end.
Good luck Bee.
Post # 15
“No. That doesn’t work. Thanks for checking in first, though.”
“We are having a small wedding and do not have room for any additional guests.”
or, if you are very close and very casual (as she implies by her message requesting to crash your wedding) “I know where you live. If I’d meant to invite you, I would have.” which is rude, yes. But so is she.
She has a whole lot of nerve. I’m sure that serves her well out and about in the world. She probably won’t take it personally when you tell her she cannot come. Also, I wouldn’t bend over backward in my response, saying I hope she doesn’t mind or whatnot. She is in the wrong here; a polite no is fine. Do not expend any excess energy wrapping it in fluff to protect her feelings.