Post # 1
Hi everyone!! I am recently engaged and could not be more excited! Howevet, my happy time has slightly been tainted and I don’t know what to do….bear with me, this is a little long!
I have a cousin who is about a month younger than me. We have always been extremely close, and she is like a sister to me. However, we are competitive and always have been. Our family somewhat contributes to this. We have a large family, but we are the only members who are close in age. We have always been compared which has added to our competitiveness. As I have gotten older, I have realized the pettiness of being competitive with someone I care so deeply about, and I have been trying to push aside any feelings of jealousy or competiveness. My cousin does not seem to have the same mind set and is constantly comparing and making snide comments about anything- our mothers, our friend groups, vacations, family members, etc. It also doesn’t help that we have chosen to go into the same profession.
Anyway, I got engaged last Friday night. My cousin was one of the first people I told, and she seemed genuinely excited and happy for me. On Saturday morning, I get a text from her that she is engaged (less than 12 hours after I got engaged) and my heart sank a little. Although I am so happy for BOTH of us, I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointment. I wanted “my time”, as selfish and childish as that sounds. She called all of our extended family right away, whereas I waited a few days to celebrate with my fiancé and immediate family. When I did call extended family, the most they said was “there must be something in the water” or something along those lines. It took away from the sharing of my news, and I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.
I am trying very hard to push these feelings aside and tell myself that her engagement is her engagement, and mine is mine. But it’s been hard. Because we’re so close I want to include her in wedding planning, but everytime I mention my wedding she interrupts me and starts talking about hers (I am getting married next year and she isn’t getting married until 2019). She called me to tell me about her proposal, but didn’t ask once about mine. And everyone in our families is saying we should go dress shopping together, cake tasting together, Etc. I am trying to enjoy my moment and be genuinely happy for my cousin, but she and my family are making it hard.
any advice on how to handle this would be much appreciated! Xoxo
Post # 2
Don’t go dress shopping and cake tasting with your cousin. I’m having a hard time believing your cousin concidentially got engaged 12 hours after you told her and then decide to have her wedding in 2019. (2019? Jeez. I get that people want long engagements, but THREE YEARS?) Your family means well, but if the two of you plan your wedding together, then it’ll just look like you two are starting some kind of weird wedding race together.
It’s silly to have competitions about weddings. So I would just take a really close friend, sister, mother, whatever with you to do dress shopping. Tell those you take with you that the dress is a surprise for everyone else.
I’m saying all this so that you can make your decisions and not have to worry about her and her desire to compete with you. If she’s so dead set on competing, then EVERYTHING will be a competition. So remove yourself from the competition. She can’t compete with you if you’re not sharing details on what the competition is about. If you really want to wedding plan with her, then plan some aspect of the wedding with her, but not everything. Keep certain things like the dress and the cake to yourself. Let her enjoy those aspects of the wedding the day of.
Post # 3
Congrats on the engagement! It’s so strange to me that you two would get engaged within such a close timeframe, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s a coincidence. You (and your FI) get one day and she (and her FI) get one day. The entire engagement will not be “your time”. If it is making you resentful, now might be the time to focus some energy on bonding with your FI’s side of the family until things settle down a bit. 😊
Post # 4
is it a special day where you live or in your culture/family or something?
it seems very strange that out of 365 days she got engaged 12 hours after you (unless it was christmas, valentines, new year and the other ‘standard’ mass proposal dates)
I would be annoyed too, not that she got engaged (or even if she had got engaged soon-ish after like a week or so) but that she did it pretty much ASAP after you hung up from telling her which is increadibly wierd to be coincidence, if she has rushed or forced an engagement just for attention though it probably wont end to well for her
no real advice, there is nothing that can be done about it but I get the frustraition
Post # 5
nope, not a special day by any means- which is why it’s even more weird that she got engaged right after me.
Post # 6
You can be annoyed, it’s natural. But don’t let her know she got under your skin. Don’t share details of your wedding with her. Be happy for her, and just try to not get worked up about the whole situation. After all, she may not have been able to control when her Fiance proposed and it could have just been unfortunate timing.
Post # 7
I would definitely have felt as disappointed as you, if for nothing else than the lackluster response you got when you shared your news, since she’d already shared her own. Try to remember that although she may have pushed her fiance to propose, it’s also possible that it was a complete coincidence. I mean if there was a whole proposal worth sharing, he must have planned out something.
I would not share any of your wedding decisions with her. There are enough people here who come on talking about so and so who ‘stole’ their ideas. She’s already competitive, don’t give her that opportunity. By the time her wedding rolls around (if she sticks with that date), yours will be long gone and most people will have forgotten if anything is shared, but in the meantime you don’t need her saying she’s going to do things that you’ve chosen. Nor does she need a dress that will be out of style in 3 years.
Post # 8
Okay, that’s pretty weird that she got engaged right after you, but who knows what her Fiance was thinking or planning? Guys can be kind of dumb, maybe he heard you were engaged and he realized that he wanted to propose, too, and didn’t think about the timing.
Hold off on telling her any details about your wedding, even just ideas. If your family is being annoying, lean into your friends and your FI’s family for a while. The good thing about weddings is that you have three sides of support (your friends, your family, and your FI’s family), and when one side gets annoying, you can lean on the others. Since you just got engaged, everyone is freaking out, but in a few weeks, they will calm down. And congratulations!
Post # 9
I know how you feel about telling family members; when I got engaged I waited a few days to call certain people and when I phoned my grandma the first thing she said was “Oh Sally (a cousin, just not a first cousin) just got engaged too!” It kind of took the wind out of my sails but some time has passed since then and now that I’ve had time to move past it, I am enjoying my time being engaged with those who are close to me. Even with friends who are also engaged, sometimes I like to have someone to talk to about wedding planning and other times I just want to feel special.
The important thing I’ve found is to set boundaries and don’t let yourself get overshadowed when you don’t want to be. If your cousin is making you uncomfortable, talk with her. Tell her you’re happy she’s engaged too but since her wedding is so far away, if she wouldn’t mind taking a step back to focus on your day (especially for certain events like dress shopping), and once you’re married she can have her time. Good luck!
Post # 10
Whew you know what? As I was reading your post I was thinking to myself, I totally sympathize with this girl and I hope the other Bees don’t take this as another “selfish bride” post who only gets “one day”. I am so releived to see everyone feels the same way I do!
I completely understand you wanting your “moment to shine” for more than 12 hours. I woud be very frustrated given how you described your relationship with her.
I agree 100% with the other posters. Do not share details of your wedding with her. It will only give her more of an opportunity to talk about herself. If she asks, just give her very generic short answers.
Personally, I think you’re lucky she’s not getting married until 2019. Likely in a few months from now friends and family won’t even remember that she’s even engaged, and the focus and excitement will be with you.
And really 2019? That just makes me roll my eyes.
Post # 11
Congrats on your engagement!! My Fiance was planning on proposing on a certain day, and no lie, the day before… our best friends got engaged! He ended up pushing the proposal off a few months, but the point is, these things do happen. I’m sorry you’ve been getting a less enthusiastic response from family. I would definitely not do everything wedding related with her if she can’t stop making it about her wedding. It is your time. Do you have friends who can do these things with you?
Post # 12
Frankly, it’s pretty damn sad that she felt she had to rush an engagement because you got engaged. Obviously, she’s neither confident in herself or happy with her life. If it were me, I’d be worrying about my cousin instead of worrying about her raining on my parade.
That being said, don’t tell anybody anything about your planning. Think of your wedding as a secret, black operation. If family members ask specific questions about your plans, pretend you haven’t decided yet or misdirect them (you want pink flowers, tell them blue). Otherwise, you will be crying here on a daily basis.
I would also strongly consider having no wedding party or a very small wedding party (MOH, Bridesmaid or Best Man, flower girl, ring bearer). If your fiance wants a big wedding party, make his friends ushers instead. And don’t make her your Maid/Matron of Honor. Having her in your wedding party would be a complete disaster.
Post # 13
Make no mistake, your cousin intentionally stole your thunder. What a crappy thing to do! It sounds like you’ve grown up, and she hasn’t.
I wouldn’t do ANYTHING wedding related with this person. Share no details. You think she ruined your engagement – just wait until you give her a chance to spoil all of your wedding planning.
I’m sorry, bee, but your cousin is not a friend. Spend this special time with people who are truly happy for you. You deserve to feel supported.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2016 - Temecula, California
I wouldn’t let it bother you. She may be trying to get under your skin intentionally. So whenever she interrupts you, just be okay with it. It will probably irritate her with you taking the high road.
I think it is okay to include her a little if you want to, but I would NOT take her to any serious appointments just in case she “coincidentally” is planning on having the same cake or the same dress.
Congrats on your engagement!!! This is YOUR time no matter what anyone else does so enjoy it.
2019. LOL. Don’t worry that probably won’t happen.
Post # 15
Ugh, Bee. I am sorry. This really sucks. You are rising above it though, and will have a beautiful wedding!! Congratulations!!