(Closed) Cousin stealing the spotlight–I know I shouldn't feel this way but…

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I kind of think you are, unless you know for sure she did it to upset you (which means her literally telling you this to your face). Who knows if they got a great deal or it was the only place available, there could be a million reasons why she booked it.

That being said there is no rule saying you have to share all of your details, so keep things to yourself. And your wedding is before hers anyways so try not to worry.


Post # 4
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

All I know is that my one cousin got married on the same day as his brother’s high school graduation, and the other cousin got married the day before the same brother’s 20th birthday (which was my 30th birthday!!)…so I think cousins in general are a little inconsiderate!  =)


I wouldn’t let it bother you.  I assume you’re invited to hers and she’s invited to yours?  Just focus on the awesome parts, and know that while some comparisons between the two events will be made, your day is your day and that is what makes it special.  It doesn’t matter whose endive appetizers were better.  =)

Post # 5
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  I know it’s hard. My cousin and I are really close in age. We’ve always shared birthdays, graduations…all of the big celebrations. She got engaged a few months before I did. We ended up putting 8 months between our weddings. At times, it felt like a competition, but only because I let it. I kept comparing my plans to hers. I had to tell myself that I was being childish and this would be a great way to destroy a friendship.

  I’m not saying this is what you’re doing, I’m just describing my own situation.

  What I would do is try to stay focused on your day. At least she planned hers for a month after yours! I had another cousin in our family get married for the second time (different side of the family), and they scheduled theirs right before ours. They used a few of our ideas (one of which really stung), but I had to put the comparisons out of my head. Once I got past that, it was really nice to have somebody else to talk to, especially someone who just went through things before I did. I got some great advice!

  Also, if there’s anything you really don’t want your cousin doing, don’t mention it to her or anyone else in your family.

Post # 6
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

What you need to is plant false ideas about your wedding but then have a real plan, like using Polyjuice Potion to have decoy Harry Potters.  That way no one will know what’s what…and she can’t copy your plans!  Of course, the Dark Lord always knows…


lol i am too tired.

Post # 7
3770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

View original reply
@peachacid:   great plan, lol

Post # 8
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@twistedb:  She is trying to steal your spotlight, and yes, she is being very childish. Your day will be lovely and so will hers. Its not a competition, its the day you will be marrying the loves of your life! She’s being stupid. 

Post # 9
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

This sounds like a situation where you think your cousin is trying to compete, and it’s making you compete, but it might all be in your head? I do this all the time with other things. I feel like I always have to prove myself to people to be an individual. I don’t know your cousin or her motives, but it’s easier said than done than to just ignore what everyone else is doing. I think the best way to get your mind off of it is to totally focus on making your day especially unique for you and your Fiance. That way even though you two are planning weddings simultaneously, you’ll know that your day will have qualities that only you and your SO will be identified for, so there’s no way anybody can compete because it’s representative of a totally unique couple. Good luck 🙂

Post # 10
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t know if she’s deliberately trying to compete, but, honestly, I would be a little bummed & annoyed if a cousin or friend chose a venue I had mentioned to them but ended up not being able to afford. 

Post # 11
9216 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Yeah to me it just sounds like you are jealous because she can afford things that you can’t. I wouldn’t take her comments of that you shouldn’t waste your money on that venue as more than an opinion. Maybe she was trying to be considerate and supportive knowing that you could not afford your dream venue by saying it was a waste of money for you (given that you had budget constraints). That doesn’t mean it is a waste of money for her given that she has more of a budget to spend. Maybe she is making cuts elsewhere because the venue is her top priority.

Try not to see both your weddings as a chance to compete- there is no competition in weddings as each one is about the couple getting married so completely different. So unless you are marrying the same person there is no need for competition.

Sure you can feel bummed because you can’t have that venue but don’t let it affect your relationship or make you a bitter person. You can’t always get what you want and what defines you as a person is how you act or accept that. Be happy for her and the fact that she is lucky enough to have everything she wants.


Post # 12
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@Miss T-Rex:  THIS!


I know exactly how you feel. There are plenty of other brides who have been in this same situation, including me. I feel ya.

Post # 13
5988 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

im confused – the cousin is marrying a month after OP and as the cousin booked the venue that OP cant afford, maybe its OP with the problem not the cousin???

Post # 14
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Maybe, if she was also planning to get engaged this year, she was a little “set-back” by your engagement.  Meaning since you said you were close, it maybe be the case (like many other bees talk about) that her and her now Fiance planned an engagement, date, ring, etc. and then you getting engaged might have set that off a bit.  Not that they aren’t happy for you, but they also planned the same thing, and wanted to give you your own time, and then get their time?

I suggest that only from past experience.  As in one of my bridesmaides told me (months after the fact) that our other friend’s Fiance wrote her in private 2 weeks before my Fiance propsoed, that he wanted her advice for rings.  Fiance and I had dated 1.5 years, her and Fiance had dated 3+ years, and Fiance told no one he planned to propose. Other friend waited 3 more months to propose after that (never asked why, but assumely this was at least taken into account).

In other words, like PP’s mentioned, it’s not a competition and maybe plans have changed over time due to circumstances.  Maybe your cousin wanted your venue, but since you chose it first then she was willing to spend more on a different venue she still loved. 

Either way, just remember both days will have their own special details and be more than special to each of you. 🙂

Post # 15
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Been there, done that.

My first wedding (30+ Years ago) and I got engaged to my longtime BF (3+ Years)… followed by my second cousin who was a bit younger than I… about a week later

Her and her BF had been dating not as long as us… more like a year or so… and she was aprox 18 Years Old (whereas we were both 23)

I chose my Wedding Date for September, and then within a short timeframe she announced she’d be marrying a few weeks before me in August.

IT WAS FRUSTRATING… and a bit of one-upmanship on her part (which I chalked up to immaturity… her being aprox 5 years younger than I)

And well, according to Etiquette… quite inappropriate… in that the first one to announce should also be the first to choose their date (which she graciously did)… BUT it is also proper etiquette to ensure that the date chosen isn’t within the same year as the first announcee (We were engaged in September, and chose the following September… she chose August).  IF she had been up on Etiquette she would have known that October or later, was when she should have been booking… and having a 3 month gap would be best, considering that there would be an overlap in Invitees in that we are all from the same extended family.

Sorry to hear that your cousin, hasn’t adhered to this Etiquette rule either.  Although if it is any consolation, she was more polite than mine, in that she has chosen to go AFTER your date.

On the otherhand, you might appreciate this bit of info.

I did go to my Cousin’s Wedding which was aprox 3 weeks before mine and it was quite nice.  What it did give me, was the opportunity to decide what I wouldn’t do at my own wedding (lol, one advantage of “going second”).  At her Wedding it was a HUGE Weepfest…

She walked down the aisle on the arm of her father, and both of them cried.  Her mother was heard sobbing from the front row… and her Groom was crying (loudly) as well.

I remember I looked at my Dad and said… I DO NOT WANT THIS at My Wedding.  I appreciate that it is an “emmotional” day, BUT in my mind a very very happy one.  So I don’t want everyone wailing like it is a funeral.  Made a pact with my Dad, that if either of us started crying as I walked down the aisle, the other, would give the weeper a firm pinch.

In the end, no one sobbed at my wedding… maybe a few silent tears by my Mom or Dad, but no wailing.  Thank Goodness… Because as I saw it, it was truly the happiest day of my life… and everyone should be concentrating on that, and MY happiness and the life I had “chosen” to start with my Prince Charming.


Post # 16
21 posts
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t agree you’re being childish and I think it’s a real stretch to call you jealous, I didn’t get that vibe at all. I think anybody would be a little annoyed, especially since its not like the idea of a girl trying to be competitive or one upping another girl is THAT outlandish. 

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