Post # 1
Let’s start with some facts: We followed typical guidelines when creating our guest list (as far as plus ones), we sent out our invitations 8 weeks before the wedding and we set the RSVP deadline 3 weeks before the wedding.
My groom’s cousin messaged me the night before the RSVPs were due and asked to bring his Gf. Now, she wasn’t originally invited because they started dating AFTER we sent the invitations (so they have been dating maybe a month at this point). We tried to explain why she could not come and he gave us an ultimatum: She goes or they both don’t come.
What do I do/say to this?!?! Due to our budget, we allowed plus ones for married couples and/or co-habiting couples. It would not be fair for us to enforce these rules for only some of the guest. Buuuuut, I don’t want his cousin to not come to the wedding. I am so furious, so I know what I want to tell him, but I’m not sure it’s the right thing. Please Help!
This topic was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by leebshel.
Post # 2
If it were me, I’d stand my ground. If he doesn’t come, then he doesn’t come. If he was close family and not an ass, he’d come and not be making demands to bring some girl he’s barely known for a month.
Post # 3
I totally agree with pinkshoes…I’ve noticed with my wedding the second we cave on someting another guest will take advantage of the situation. Stand your ground the best you can!
Post # 4
Personally I’d be more annoyed at the ultimatum! I did have a cousin of my husband ask to bring his girlfriend a while after we had sent out invitations. But he was very polite about it, we had a little extra room, and they did fit into our criteria. (We invited SOs of anyone who was actually in a relationship) If he’d been as rude of your groom’s cousin, I would have likely told him “Fine then, don’t come.”
If you do have other people who’s SOs weren’t invited because they didn’t fit into your criteria, it wouldn’t be fair to allow his cousin to bring his gf but not them. In that case, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to tell him you’ll miss him very much, but you’re sorry, she can’t come. Even if you’re furious, make sure to be polite about it!
Post # 5
I’d stand my ground. That’s rediculous.
Post # 6
msparks: Funny you say this, before he offered me the ultimatum my thought was, “well, a couple guests have declined so we can afford to have his Gf if he wants.” His repsonse is what set me off! Thank you for your reply!
Post # 7
IDK, I’m pretty torn on this. I guess I would need to know more about the family dynamic.
In my family, I would stand my ground because everyone kind of “gets it” in regards to etiquette and what is/isn’t considered rude.
If standing your ground evokes WW3, your DH throws you under the bus and now your wedding day will turn into this gigantic catastrophe where the absense of the cousin overshadows all the feel good things of the wedding, then I would just concede this one point and just give them a shitty Christmas gift or something to get back (kidding).
Post # 8
Agree with PPs, it’s not fair to your other guests if you budge for one person. Also agree that response would upset me, stand your ground. Too bad he can’t make it.
Post # 9
leebshel: that’s ridiculous of them. I guess you need to decide how important it is to you to have him there
Post # 10
You were correct in saying what you said, they are being irrational with the situation. Say something like, “Well we would still love for you to come! Wedding planning is crazy because of space and budget, and we can’t have everyone’s SO all there.”
Post # 11
leebshel: This EXACT thing happened to us. NH’s cousin pulled the, “well, if I can’t bring my new no-name BF to your really small wedding, I’m not coming.” Even worse, we had to track her down for her RSVP, and she told us this in a FB message!! We wrote back, “Thanks for your note. We’re sorry we won’t see you at the wedding, but look forward to catching up over the holidays! Best, Bride + Groom.” She never wrote back to us, but we did hear ripples of gossip about it — she was pissed. Fast forward to a few days before the wedding . . . turns out we have onnnnnne extra spot at the wedding, so we reached out to her with a phone call and let her know that she could bring new BF. Day of, she and new BF get there and find that they have been put at the only table where we had an extra seat, and it’s a table with my family. Sorry, babe, but we told you our wedding would be small! Anyway, I say stick to your guns and follow the script we used. No point in showing the cousin how mad that makes you — just handle it politely and let him be the one who’s pissed off. It’s your wedding, and he’s being ridiculous. He’ll understand your POV when he gets married.
Post # 12
leebshel: I would call his bluff.
“Oh Steve, I am so sorry to hear you won’t be able to make it, then! Unfortunately, the guest list was finalized when invitations went out and we simply cannot accommodate more people.”
Seriously, though, he’s being ridiculous. I am a hardcore abider by the rule that all guests in relationships are to be invited with their significant other, regardless of whatever else is going on.
At the same time, I also think that guests should reasonably expect that romantic interests that develop in the 6-8 week timeframe that invitations are sent out might not be accommodated.
Had he been more kind about this, I would have advised you to say, “Hi Steve! The guest list was solidified at the time the inivitations went out and so we currently cannot accommodate your new girlfriend. If this changes, we will definitely let you know and do our best to invite her along with you!”
But a guest giving an ultimatum to a totally reasonable rule? Yeah, eff that.
Post # 13
I would stand my ground when I can but at the same time I would choose my battles wisely and although you had a criteria for your guestlist I would make a exception for your cousin only because he’s family and his new gf could be your family someday. weddings are about joining two families into one and he may like this girl a lot. I would just extend one to her due the fact that she’s family.
Post # 14
You sound like me….and that you’re biting your tongue. I have mastered the phrase “small and intimate” to describe my wedding. Our save the dates haven’t even went out yet but people are already causing these issues. I’d tell the cousin that I am sorry that he feels this way, but you are having an intimate wedding there and you look forward to meeting his new girlfriend soon….but not at your wedding.
aekc: OMG. I love the way you handled that. I am filing that away for my own future use! Might as well give ’em something to talk about!
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse
leebshel: Okay, married couples and co-habitating couples are NOT plus ones, they are significant others and if someone identifies themselves as ‘in a relationship’ – regardless of how long then their SO gets invited. It’s not up to the bride and groom to judge other people’s relationships and is really really rude. You’re telling people their relationship isn’t good enough and if someone asked me to come celebrate their relationship while purposely negating mine you bet I wouldn’t be going. My SO is more important to me than your wedding and if you don’t respect us as a social unit then clearly I’m not that close to you and will decline the invite.
Plus ones are for truly single guests if you choose to give them, so they can bring someone with them.
Now, that being said – was he in this relationship before the invites went out? If so, then yes she should be invited..by name. If not, then you are not obligated to extend an invite.