Post # 1
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
So my cousin just called me to tell me that her boyfriend came out to her as gay half an hour ago. She is totally devastated and I’m not really sure what to tell her tbh.
I really wish I could say that he had just discovered this and was super apologetic about it. But from what I gather (I don’t have the full story yet) he was certain that he was gay for two out of the five years they’ve been dating but he had always suspected. I know that I should be sympathetic to him and understand as a bi-sexual that it’s hard to find your sexuality etc. but all I feel right now is angry for my cousin. Coming to terms with your sexuality can be tough, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to use others as you see fit. Homosexuality is not synonymous with sociopathy, other people get hurt on the road to your self-discovery and it’s important that you make sure any romantic partners get hurt as little as possible. I absolutely do not condone what he did on any level. It was wrong to use my beloved cousin like that and if I was in her place I would definitely be giving this man a piece of my mind.
I mean they’ve been dating for FIVE years! Just a few weeks ago I was out for lunch with them and my cousin was talking about how she might be able to ‘return the favour’ of being in my bridal party pretty soon. And her boyfriend just sat there and listened to her talking about getting married. I mean ugh, what the eff?!
I have no idea how long he might have continued this if my cousin hadn’t basically forced him to tell her what was going on. I’m just so upset right now bees. How do I help my cousin? Have any of you ever been used as a beard? How did you get over it?
Post # 3
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
I completely agree with everything you said, and I’m very sorry for your cousin. 🙁
Post # 4
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
@Mrs. Honeybee: Sigh, me too. I feel so bad that I don’t know how to comfort her. I’m heading over there right now. Thanks for her sympathy.
Post # 5
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee
Wow.
I also agree with everything you said. How horrible for your cousin! I don’t think there’s really anything you can do other than give her a hug and let her vent when you see her. Poor girl.
Also, I clicked on this thread because I had no idea what a beard was and imagined him walking around with your cousin’s hair attached to his chin lol.
Post # 6
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
@Lovemelovemyhorses: Sadly a beard is nothing as funny as that. I’m guessing you’ve probably gathered that a beard is when a gay person uses a person of the oppsite gender to cover the fact that they’re gay. Sometimes a friend of the opposite gender will agree to act as a beard and sometimes assholes trick people into relationships they think are real because they don’t want to come out.
I can’t imagine being in my cousin’s position right now. If it was FH I think I would be catatonic with grief. Everybody thought they had a future together and to see that ripped away from my best friend…it’s so sad.
Post # 7
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
How do you know he was actually using her, and not just incredibly conflicted and confused over how to acknowledge his sexuality and move towards an openly gay life? There is a HUGE world of difference there, and I think it’s pretty harsh to assume he was purposefully trying to use your friend. I actually knew a man who came out the age of 45. Married with 4 kids. He said he was pretty much sure he’d always been gay but he had no idea how to actually live an openly gay life, and that it was incredibly painful for him to hurt his wife but incredibly painful to live another man’s life every day. so, unless you’ve got reason to believe he was intentionally using her to put up the appearance of being straight, you may want to start by accepting that this is an incredibly complex topic, one in which perhaps everyone wanted to do the right thing but didn’t have the tools (meaning: supportive family, supportive community) to do it. Then help your friend to accept the same concept. She has plenty of reasons to feel confused and angry, but this may be more of a betrayal by the greater community than by her boyfriend. If everyone lived in a society where being gay was accepted and coming out was easy, no one would use the term “beard” any more.
Post # 8
Member
2877 posts
Sugar bee
regardless of how tough it is in the world, i dont think you should be in a relationship knowing that you’re gay particularly not to the point of getting married/having kids!! (marriage is related to later point not OP)
i mean why waste someones time like that – 5 years – and let her dream of marriage. I think he’s a bti of a dick. yes its hard to come out to people, but theres the option of being alone. no one forced him to enter a pretend relationship
Post # 9
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee
@fishbone: +1
@Ruby-Redshoes: I feel terrible for your cousin. The amount of hurt and betrayal she must be feeling is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Be supportive and comforting, but please try to reserve judgement until you know the full story. Like a previous poster said, it could be that this man was incredibly conflicted and scared. For the majority of his life he had lived as a “straight” man. Even after accepting that he has other preferences it could still have been a pretty painful process for him to figure out how he should live and what changes to his life he might want to make. It’s also possible that he was horrified at the prospect of hurting your cousin so badly and didn’t know how to bring the subject up without hurting her. It doesn’t make it right, but it also doesn’t make him a terrible person either. So please, try to focus on helping your cousin and don’t pass judgement on this man until you know the full details of what happened.
Post # 10
Member
7275 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@Ruby-Redshoes: Man that sucks! 🙁 I feel very bad for your cousin.
Your comment about not using other people while figuring out your sexuality reminded me of something HORRIBLE that happened to a friend of mine. He is gay and we fell out of touch for a while. Apparently, he went to his pastor who told him he “just had to date women to get over his homosexual urges”. !!!! He actually dated a girl for several months. She was also very religious, so it seemed to get serious really quickly- all with him being SUCH a gentleman and remaining chaste! Poor girl. He finally realized he couldn’t do it but was so confused and angry, he dumped her with no explanation. I just felt so bad for her and angry at his pastor and HIM for doing it.
Your cousin’s boyfriend lied to her for 2 years (at least). While I understand him “working stuff out”, he shouldn’t have kept her on the hook the whole time.
Post # 11
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
I agree with the other people about not judging this man too harshly without knowing all of the details, but at the same time, you’re allowed to be angry about this and how badly your cousin is hurting! If it helps you to vent on here so that you can be there for your cousin, I can’t fault you for that! Poor thing.
Post # 12
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
@fishbone: +1000!
No one knows what it’s like to go through discovering and accepting you’re gay unless you’ve done it. It’s SOOO damn easy to judge someone for “wasting someone else’s time” but be real, it’s HIGHLY unlikely that he spent 5 years of HIS life just screwing with your cousin for a cover. He has probably spent those 5 years and maybe longer trying to deal with feeling he didn’t understand or didn’t want to acknowledge. I’m bisexual & it took me over 3 years to fully come to terms with it. & I fully think it would have taken longer if I was gay.
I completely feel for your cousin & can’t imagine how hard it is for her right now…she’s losing someone she loves deeply and a break up is a break up. It’s going to be hard. But he could have actually MARRIED her and then had to divorce her when he finally accepted his sexuality. It could certainly have been much worse. Try to have some understanding, if he spent that long with your cousin, he does love her. Just not in the right way. I’m sure he’s devastated to have to hurt her like this.
Post # 13
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
@fishbone: +10000
My father came out after being married for 15 years and having 4 kids. It was incredibly difficult for him and he was conflicted. He loved his family and tried for years to stay for our sake but ultimately, decided he could not live as someone he was not.
OP, although I’m sure it is incredibly painful for your cousin, I really doubt that her boyfriend purposefully deceived her. Most likely, it was a difficult and painful realization that took time for him to accept and admit.
Post # 14
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
@newname_99: i mean why waste someones time like that – 5 years – and let her dream of marriage. I think he’s a bti of a dick. yes its hard to come out to people, but theres the option of being alone. no one forced him to enter a pretend relationship
It’s not always as easy as “I think I might possibly be gay so I’m just going to stop dating till I figure this out.” There is a LOT of pressure put in young people to be “normal,” to fit in, to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend (of the opposite gender) and etc. This starts even before some kids are teenagers, and many young people are told repeatedly that being gay is bad or immoral. So they don’t believe that they’re gay, or don’t WANT to believe it, or don’t acknowledge it, till after they’ve already formed relationships. Then there’s the conflict between being true to your relationships and the promises you made to your partner, and being true to yourself. I am thankful every single day that I’ve never had to struggle with some of these things.
I’m not saying it’s right to lead someone else on. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying there is a very big difference between being malicious, and struggling with your sexuality. You have to at least try to see the other side of the story. You don’t have to agree with how the boyfriend ended up in a long-term relationship he shouldn’t have been in, but you have to at least acknowledge there’s a whole lot more going on than just some guy being a dick for no good reason.
Post # 15
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
Oh, yikes, I really feel for both of them. 🙁
I’ve known people who were gay in hetero relationships for some time, and it was devastating to them when they realized that they weren’t bi/straight.
If it was done maliciously, it’s not right. And it’s devastating to your cousin no matter what. I feel badly for everyone involved – can’t wait til we live in a society where no one feels pressured to be a sexuality they’re not.
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