(Closed) Cousin's FI is planning on proposing with an awful ring. Should I say something?

posted 4 years ago in Rings
Post # 46
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I mean, to be honest, I’m saying this as someone who loves gifts based on who gave them to me, not based on what they look like, but if my Fiance gave me that ring I would be disappointed with the yellow diamond in the centre. If the diamond was clear then even though the rest of the ring is totally not my style I would love it and wear it. So, if I were your cousin, I would also never every say anything to my Darling Husband, but I would appreciate you voicing your concern on my behalf in advance. Anyway, in the end, it’s just an opinion that you will be giving.. and my DH’s parents also gave him a bunch of feedback about my ring, apparently saying things like ”It’s too small etc”, and he knew I would love it so he didn’t listen to them. I LOVE my ring, it’s utterly perfect for who I am. So.. I don’t think there is any harm in you subtly voicing your opinion once, and then just leaving it and letting him do his thing.

Post # 47
Member
2485 posts
Buzzing bee

Fortunately for most of the women in the world, there are no local, state, federal or international laws concerning ERings and what they should look like.

You are thoughtful to be concerned about your cousin, OP, and since you have an idea of how she will feel when the QUESTION is popped and the bling presented, you will be EVEN MORE thoughtful if you keep your opinions entirely to yourself.

 

Post # 48
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

I’d stay out of it and only think about a couple of nice, generic compliments to have at the ready. Like the gal who wears her hair in the most hideous coiffure (how intricate!) or the guy who’s boxers are worn outside his jeans (I love striped cotton fabric, it’s so crisp!)

😉

Post # 49
Member
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

metheundercoverbee:  Has your cousin ever mentioned a particular style to you that she likes? Does she have a Pinterest board full of rings? I would also ask him if he has spoken to your cousin about rings at all. Or even just say something like, “Wow, that is really unique. Did [insert cousin’s name] mention she wanted something like that?”

When it came time to pick out my ring, my Fiance did not want anyone’s opinions (besides mine) and really wanted to do it himself. However, I had entrusted my best friend with what I liked if he were to ever ask. She helped point him in the right direction of what I would love, while managing to stay diplomatic and polite.

It’s a tough situation. Some people are going to tell you to stay out of it and others are going to say that you should speak up. Personally, if my SO went to a cousin/friend with a ring and it was not my style, I’d want them to say something. Chances are, I’ve disclosed my prefered styles with my friends, so they know what I like. And at this point, the ring is not purchased, right? No harm no foul at this point.

Post # 50
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

metheundercoverbee:  I’d also stay out of it for three reasons:

1. You weren’t asked for an opinion

2. The ring has already been paid for

3. You can’t take for granted that she won’t like it. Some people have unconventional tastes. 

Personally, I would express my opinion ONLY if I were requested to. 

Having said this, I perfectly understand your concern and it’s very thoughtful of you to worry about her reaction.

Post # 51
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You keep saying she doesn’t know about rings and has expressed zero preference. I didn’t care about my ring and maybe she doesn’t either. If my husband had given me that ring, I would have worn it proudly, not because I loved how it looked, but because that man I love gave it to me and because he put thought and effort into selecting it. Even if he missed the mark on aesthetics. Maybe your cousin feels the same. If she doesn’t, it’s between the two of them. Personally I’d be much more upset if my cousin voiced her unsolicited opinion and made my man feel like crap.

I would stay out of it.

Post # 52
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would honestly tell him.  Be gentle!  Maybe start by asking questions: how did he choose the rose gold with the yellow center stone? Tell him gently how you think the two compete with each other and do not compliment each other.  Then offer suggestions: switch out the rose gold for white gold. Switch out the yellow stones.

I would be worried that your cousin would be really upset if she knew that you had seen the ring and hadn’t said anything.  You know her best.  If you think she wouldn’t like it, speak up for her!

Post # 53
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

metheundercoverbee:  How can I bring it up without hurting him? …especially since he didn’t ask my opinion on the ring

If my cousin were proposed to with a ring like that and later found out that I’d seen it in advance and not said anything, she would wring my neck, lol.

Even though she hasn’t discussed her ring preferences, I think it’s safe to assume that like 99% of women out there, she would be taken aback if not downright horrified by such a very specifically weird — sorry! — ring such as this one. Of course I’m only assuming. I don’t know her. 

It’s the ring equivalent of a sparkly purple car with neon orange hub caps and striped green bumpers. Chances are pretty decent that she’s not going to be hunky dorey with flashing it on her hand every day for the rest of her life because “it’s the thought that counts.” 

SAY SOMETHING.

Better for him to feel hurt or even angry at you, than for this poor woman to get stuck with that ring. Yes there’s a chance she might love it, but as a fellow female with her best interests at heart, I wouldn’t take that chance.

Even though he hasn’t asked your opinion, I would speak up gently and say something like, “You know I’ve been thinking since you showed me that ring. And I thought that, as your friend, I would take a chance and speak up and give you a woman’s opinion about this. I can tell you put a lot of thought and effort into picking it out, so I know it’s important to you that she love the ring, and that is so sweet. It’s a very specific style of ring what with all the different colors, and over the course of a lifetime, she’s probably going to need something a little more simple and streamlined. Before you actually give her the ring, would you like me to show you some examples of very simple styles that might be a better fit for her, day in and day out?” You could also point out the types of clothes she wears, the way she does her hair, her nails, her makeup, whatever, as justification that something like a solitaire would go with everything. 

There are several possible outcomes:

  1. He ignores you, gives the ring to her anyway, and she loves it. The worst thing they can both accuse you of is meddling with good intentions. You slither off, put a paper bag over your head,  console yourself that you meant well and it will all blow over at some point.
  2. He ignores you, gives her the ring, she hates it with a passion. She decides to live with it because “it’s the thought that counts” and she will nevertheless be forever grateful to you for having at least tried.
  3. He ignores you, gives her the ring, she hates it with a passion. She works up the courage to ask him to exchange it for a more simple style and maybe he will actually listen this time, because you will have paved the way for her by bringing it up first. If he’s hearing the same message from both you and her, he is more likely to listen. Strength in numbers.  
  4. Or heaven help us all, he might actually put her feelings above his ego and listen to you. And get her something more conventional.

Better for him to be p1ssed off at you than for her to get stuck with a ring that most of us can agree is a nightmare. 

 

Sorry if I’ve been a little too blunt. I’m just trying to help. Good luck! I think you’re a good cousin for trying to think of ideas!

Post # 54
Member
1617 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May

Unless you specifically know that ring isn’t her style, then stay out of it. Some girls don’t put a ton of emphasis on how the ring looks and would gladly wear a twist tie. The bee tends to be a bit more ring focused than the everyday. She may love the ring even though it isn’t your cup of tea. 

Post # 55
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016 - Church by the beach,

I don’t think you should tell him and you could ruin his proposal. He’s her dream man you say so she should love what he chose. You  can’t be certain she won’t like it either think of the show ‘don’t tell the bride’ where the man plans the whole wedding all all time the family thinks the bride won’t like it but they mostly always love it even if its something they originally say they didnt want.

Post # 56
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

metheundercoverbee:  I was prepared to tell you to keep it shut, but yes that ring is fug. And I have a non traditional, non-diamond ring that doesn’t get a lot of compliments! If he sounded open to hearing your opinion, AND if he can exchange/return it, AND if you are brave enough, I would say something.

Post # 57
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I would just be worried that implying she won’t like it after he’s already purchased it may make him delay the proposal. Do you know if he can even return it or has money for a new ring? If not, he’s gonna feel pretty awful that he has a ring you claim (cause you don’t actually know) your cousin won’t like but he doesn’t have the funds to do anything about it at the moment.

He may also end up thinking that you and your cousin spoke and she is more concerned about the ring than actually getting engaged to the man of her dreams. They are the ones getting engaged. If there is a problem with the ring they can handle it like the lifelong partners they both want to be for each other. They haven’t needed your help to get this far so I’m pretty sure they can find their way through this.

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