(Closed) cousins wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My cousin’s daughter is getting married exactly one week before me. I had no idea when her wedding was when I booked so it was completely by accident. She hasn’t been bothered, neither am I and my auntie is happy because she can wear the same outfit twice! We’re not actually going to each other’s weddings (big family on that side!) but I was a little worried about whether my auntie and uncle, 3 cousins and 3 spouses would make it, but no issues at all as it turns out! It’s only a big deal if you make it into one.

Post # 19
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You need 4 weeks to be the bride? Really? I thought you were going to say a week before.

You had your reasons for your date and I’d bet they had their own reasons for picking their date. Just go to their wedding and learn from their mishaps. Maybe it’ll remind you to do last minute details, too.

Post # 20
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Ditto what Lizzy723 said- “learn from their mishaps.” Seriously. We had a short (6 month) engagement, and I *wish* we’d gone to another wedding during that time.

DH’s family had three weddings in four months the year we were married. My ILs went to all three (one was out of town for them), and had no complaints.

And, what’s nice for both of you is that your family gets together twice- if you don’t get to catch up with one aunt at one wedding, you do at the next. The only reason there will be “animosity and family drama” is if you allow it to be.

 

Post # 21
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Muckenthaler Cultural Center

It wont take away! 1 of my bridesmaids got married the same week I did (I was also in her wedding) and another got married a month later. It was wonderful!

Post # 22
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

@bhamps Your cousin is getting married a month before you.  You get a day. Not month. Get over it. 

Post # 23
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It’s completely stressing me out to read this because not only have my fiance and I recently decided to move our wedding up a year to a month before my cousin’s wedding, the two dates we are considering happen to also be approximately a month after my brother’s wedding. Needless to say, I don’t feel good about it, but here are the circumstances that led to us making this potentially unpopular decision:

  • My brother and his fiance got engaged last September and set their wedding for next July, nearly a two year engagement.
  • My cousin got engaged this July and set his wedding for next September.
  • We got engaged in August and initially set a tentative date for July 2015. June, July, and August are our only month options because 50% of our guests will be traveling cross-country to attend and we need to accomodate those with school-age children. 
  • Among the 50% of guests traveling cross country are all four of FI’s 80+ year old grandparents. After spending Thanksgiving with his family and realizing that they are already beginning to show signs of compromised mobility and health, we begin to realize that waiting till 2015 may mean they will be unable to attend. Though my one remaining grandparent is likely to outlive us all, holding the wedding in his state would be problematic because my family is significantly less well off than his and few would be willing to travel that distance.
  • We also discover that several of the friends who will be traveling for the wedding, including at least one member of the wedding party, are planning to begin trying to have children between now and summer 2015, so we face the possibility of either accomodating way more infants than anticipated or having very close friends potentially not attend (or both!).
  • Getting married before my brother will not sit well with his fiance, so June 2014 is out. Therefore, we are left with August 2014, smack dab in the middle of two other family weddings. Thankfully, while both of the other weddings require travel to neighboring states, ours will be in our hometown so it will pose no additional travel burden on our family and mutual friends.

I don’t mean to sound overly defensive, and I am fully expecting to have some fallout as a result of this decision, but in the big picture, the resentment that would have grown from me feeling like I was forced to wait an entire year longer to get married at the expense of several very important attendees missing out would have been more of a burden on the relationships.

My advice to you would be to think about the fact that they most likely had many, many considerations that went into selecting that particular date, and most likely had no intention of competing with you or lessening your time in the spotlight in any way. I don’t mean to sound rude but when you opt for a longer engagement, it’s unreasonable to expect that others will follow the timeline you’ve set. They should not have to wait to start their lives together if they are ready to do so now. There’s a reason this is not mentioned in any etiquette guides: because the phenomenon of brides wanting month(s) to occupy the spotlight is a relatively new invention and in the past no one would have batted an eyelash unless it was for purely financial reasons.

Post # 24
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
@daisyfay:  I don’t mean to sound rude but when you opt for a longer engagement, it’s unreasonable to expect that others will follow the timeline you’ve set.

+1000! I’m in a similar predicament as the OP. I’ve opted for a longer engagement (20 months), and we have readied ourselves that there will be a lot of conflicts along the way. My cousin has gotten engaged and will be getting married within one year, which is what I’d say is an average engagement. My brother will likely be getting engaged in the next few months, and since they’d also like a ~12 month engagement for planning purposes, they’ll probably choose a date that’s a month or so before my date. 

I get that my family is going to be consumed with two other weddings before mine, or that they may even experience wedding fatigue by the time it’s my turn. But you know what? I decided on the longer engagement. It’s all on me, and I don’t expect other people, regardless of how close they are to me, to put off making a significant step in their own lives on my account.

That’s honestly the height of selfishness. OP, if you have at all let this incite any sort of family drama as your post implies, that is seriously shameful bridezilla behaviour. 

Post # 27
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think you are being a bit dramatic. I’m always surpised when bride freak out about this, esp when you planned a wedding and you know how tough it is to get venue and find the right date.

There is a full month ahead of you, also despite what you think I can guarantee you that no one is going to care or be thinking about you wedding for a full month between it.

Now that you cried, get all your frustration out, then you can choose to let it go. No one is obligated to plan their life around you and your wedding. I think a month is reasonable and doable.

 

Post # 28
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

When we got married, DH’s family had two other weddings in the proceeding 2 months (August, Septemper, then ours in October). This worked out smoothly and no ones day got trampled on 🙂 

Post # 29
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

@bhamps:  I am glad that you seem to be doing so much better with this.

But, I did want to let you know that I can totally see where you are coming from with this and I don’t think that you are being bratty, selfish, bridezilla, or that you should just get over it.

I mean you get ONE engagement ONE bridal shower ONE bachelorette party and ONE chance to plan and have a wedding in your life. I’d be a little upset and worried too if this happened to me. I would not want to miss out on some of the love and fun stuff (and lets be honest some of the attention) either. Also there is the part where this is your cousin and a part of your wedding and it feels like they did not take your wedding into consideration at all. I totally get it. 

Having said that you cannot ask them to change the date of their wedding and you should try not to take it personally. I mean yeah it stings a little but I’m sure they were not thinking vindictively about this.

You should talk to them though (not about the date) and plan out everything else with them that way you can be sure your bridal shower and other events are event compromised. That would be beneficial for everyone involved really 🙂 

Post # 30
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would only be upset if it’s the same weekend.

Post # 31
Member
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@bhamps:  why are you upset? does their wedding effect your wedding? they will be back in plenty of time from their honeymoon to attend your wedding.

i met DH’s engaged cousins in July 2011.  we got engaged february 2013, and decided to get married in october 2013.  the cousins wedding was september 2013, 28 days before ours.

everyone was happy.  we had a great time at their wedding and they had an amazing time at our wedding.

the cousin bride joked to me that we were using their wedding as a trial run to notice all the bugs. 

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