(Closed) Cover your plate

posted 5 years ago in Reception
Post # 76
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Since neither I nor most of my relatives are from cultural backgrounds where generous reciprocal cash gifting across families, etc. is a common expression of fellowship, I would be incredibly insulted if most of my guests felt I was so irresponsible as a host that I needed their money to recoup the cost of hosting a wedding.  I would interpret this behavior as an indication that they believe that I am not comfortably capable of doing such a thing without their charity.  [Again, I understand that some people understand gifts as performing a different function–I’m talking about the people in my circle and cultural background.]

My relatives and social circle believe that to host social events is part of one’s duty to society and duties come with an associated cost.  I’d personally much rather people host their own social events and give others opportunities for food and fellowship than try and reimburse me for my hosting.  If I hosted it, I’m plenty capable of dealing with it financially, thank you much.

Post # 77
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

MarriedToMyWork:  Charity? How about “gift from the heart” instead? I feel sorry for those in your circle if this is their way of thinking. So you don’t bring anyone a wedding gift, then?

And for the millionth time, no gracious bride is EXPECTING anything and is plenty capable of hosting a wonderful wedding for you to enjoy. Most gracious guests, however, bring a proper gift.

Post # 78
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee

MrsBuesleBee:  that is atrocious. I’ve never heard of this before and I’ve lived all over the country. It seems tricky because it’s just a guess – unless somehow guest are notified as to the amount per person for food and drink. Also that’s a gamble for the bride and groom to hope they got enough money to pay the vendors. Wouldn’t that be one of the first decisions made? How much can we afford?   This wedding stuff can be scary.

Post # 79
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

GreenBayBee:  If you feel that you need to reimburse me for the cost of my hosting by covering your plate and then adding on a gift on top of that then yes, I would think of that as charity.  You’re basically telling me that hosting you must be too onerous a financial burden for me and you are pre-emptively taking it upon yourself to relieve my burden.  From an older relative or superior such a gift would be tolerable, but I would be almost insulted by it from a peer [who came from a similar background/cultural gifting expectation].  I would just prefer a heartfelt note and small gift, honestly. 

And of course I give gifts–but I determine them by considering my relationship with the couple, not with the assistance of an accountant. 

ETA: While I am not the type of person who yet receives “courtesy invites” since I don’t have any friends or business associates with children who are getting married, if I received an obvious courtesy invitation I would decline it, so I guess there’s that.

ETA, part 2: If you assume that I’m not giving expensive gifts, then you’re wrong, but the whole “accounting” aspect of “cover your plate” rubs me the wrong way and goes against everything I have been taught–and everything that I have concluded from my decade of studying the history of gifting practices–about how gifting should work between genuine friends and peers.

Post # 80
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

GreenBayBee:  I’m with you 100%. A gracious bride accepts any and every gift she receives with a smile and a genuine thank you card.  A gracious guest understands reality and does their best to wish the couple well with a gift of their choice, while understanding that times have changed and gift giving is part of the ettiquette of attending weddings.  In our circle, CYP is pretty standard, and unless you’re strapped and can’t do it, not WANTING to do it, is tacky.

 

Post # 81
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

MarriedToMyWork:  Ughhh! I give up! 

So, you’re a dear friend of mine or even just a work colleague – and if the plate costs 50 and I gift you 200, you would consider it charity?? Good luck with that!

Post # 82
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

Where I’m from (southern New England) it’s definitely the norm here (or at least within my family and all of the various circles of friends). The minimum gift seems to be about $200 per couple ($100 per person), with more given if it’s someone you’re particularly close with. 

With all that said, the other thing to consider is that around here (or again, at least in my family and within my circle of friends) the parents foot the bill for the wedding, and the gifts go to the bride and groom. So it isn’t as if the money is being used to reimburse the cost – it’s just a general marker of how much is “acceptable” to give. We’ve gone to some weddings of people who are only casual acquaintences and still given the $200 minimum, even though we were shocked to get an invite in the first place.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by  ce0604.
Post # 83
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

GreenBayBee:  If I thought that the gift amount was in any way influenced by the perceived cost of my wedding, I’d find it offputting, yes.  However, I find cash gifts from peers offputting in general, so…

Post # 84
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Wow. This is as bad as someone I know, who doesn’t believe in gift giving because then they will have to reciprocate….because taking your money to your grave will do you a lot of good when you’re grocery shopping in the afterlife 

Whatever happened to being generous just because you Want to? 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by  GreenBayBee.
Post # 87
Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  I’m in Eastern Canada and this isn’t something I head of until I started planning my own wedding. Not the way things are here at all although money is a common gift.

Post # 88
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  Math. It’s just simple math! 

However, buying off the registry is wonderful, too.

Post # 89
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Hosting events is part of one’s duty to society? What??

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