(Closed) Cover your plate

posted 5 years ago in Reception
Post # 106
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m Southeast Asian and I think this has a lot to do with your culture’s attitude towards money.

I think in US/Canada, any mention of money is taboo.  So gifting money is tacky.  Considering how much money your host spent on dinner is tacky.  The gift-giving process is completely disconnected from money and tied to relationships.       

Money is discussed more openly in other countries.  For lots of Asians, giving “lucky” money in red/white/green envelopes is standard/traditional.  Thinking about how much your plate cost and wanting your host not to lose money is just being polite.        

Post # 107
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I find the concept of CYP rude  no matter how common it is in an area.  But since it is being compared to buying off the registry, I just have to point out that in really proper etiquette circles, neither are correct.   If you think about it, how is an easily “found” gift registry, which no matter how you justify it is really just a wish list of what you hope to receive from people coming to your party, that much better  than expecting people to give according to some guideline? Years ago registries were just as disdained by etiquette as CYP  They only became big because department stores aggressively marketed them.  

 CYP is worse because it’s money  and somehow gift registries have become socially acceptable. 

The rule is still gifts are voluntary and should always be appreciated, never expected or solicited.  It is customary to give a wedding gift according to the closeness of the relationship and your budget.  

That leaves a lot of gray area and unfortunately people have filled in the gap with twisted definitions of hospitality, friendship, and sentiment. 

Post # 109
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’ve heard of it,  and i try to do it but I wasn’t expecting it at my wedding. I live in Toronto.  Both my Darling Husband and I are born Canadians of West Indian descent. 

Post # 110
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  Ontario, Canada here. I always thought it was proper etiquette to gift the amount you think the bride/groom are spending on you. I don’t know if it’s ‘common’ nor do I know how I came to that conclusion… perhaps I googled it?

I always give cash going by this ‘rule’ unless I’m close with the couple, then I might add in a physical gift I know they’ll like, or make something for them (FI and I are crafty!).

Post # 111
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  This thread is 8 pages long and I’ll admit I didn’t read all of it!  OK – I only read page 1 🙂 

This is a pretty well known thing in the North East (NJ/NYC areas, at least) although, I don’t think people should be held to it.  It’s not about the gifts, so people give what they can.  The unspoken rule around here is about $100 pp (per person or per plate).  If someone chooses to spend $250 a head on their wedding, I’m not about to compensate for that!!  I feel like $100 is a reasonable amount considering weddings per head here go from $75 – $200+.    

Post # 112
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  I think I figured out why it bugs you (and me)… because its essentaily the antithesis of southern hospitality. The mentality takes away from the values of hosting- that its not tit for tat, its a gracious act for someone else’s enjoyment. I dont want guests to pay for their plates! I want to host them and the quid pro quo attitude kills the romance and good deed in that.

Post # 113
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Also, for those who take CYP literally, how can you justify giving less to the couple who are struggling and therefore they or the family throw a modest wedding, as compared to the couple who have a lavish affair because they or the family can easily afford one? It makes no sense. If anything, shouldn’t it be the other way around? 

Post # 115
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

How the hell do you know how much to give if you’re covering your plate?  Do you call the bride and ask her how much she’s paying per plate?  Or do you call the caterer/venue? 

Post # 116
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  and it also kills the romance in gifting. Making it so transactional takes away from “this is from the heart” and makes it “well open bar+ steak + champagne – buffet, divided by am I being a cheap ass equalsss hmmm… $125. Cha ching!”.

 

Post # 117
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Ellicott:  In its grossest form, people look up online, ask around through people who have held a reception or know someone who did, or even call the venue pretending to be interested in hosting an affair.  

When it’s just a guideline, it’s pretty much common knowledge what’s given in some circles, and that will be regardless of location.  So more like typical catering costs PP in that area.   

It  is very often adjusted downward for young people just starting out and more typical in my experience for more established relatives. 

I don’t condone a bit of it.  

Post # 118
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

weddingmaven:  I said a few posts back that even an informal BBQ wedding will get a generous gift out of me.

On the other hand, if someone throws a potluck but their honeymoon is a month in Greece, they aren’t struggling. They are just cheap/selfish. They would only get 50 bucks or less, not CYP, if I’m bringing my own damn food! 

Post # 119
Member
6292 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  I hadn’t heard of the term until joining this forum, but it’s something myself and my parents have always subconsciously followed. While I know that no-one has to have a fancy wedding, etc etc, at the same time, I don’t have to accept; I would be embarassed to turn up to something like a wedding with a gift that didn’t cover at least my food and drink, but, that’s just me (my OH feels the same). I would sooner decline the invitation (particularly if I wasn’t close to the couple and it was more of a ‘courtesy’ invite) than show up with what I feel is a stingy gift. The only exception would be if I were close to the couple (and so obv wouldn’t want to miss their wedding) and legitimately couldn’t afford a decent gift; in that case I would explain the circumstances to them and get them something better later on.

weddingmaven:  For me it works like this: not close to the couple = cover your plate regardless of the cost. If I didn’t want to gift that amount (which would only be if I wasn’t close to them), I would simply decline the invitation and save them the cost of having me there (which, if I wasn’t close to them, would be a non-issue). Close to the couple = at least cover your plate, and probably gift something on top. So, if one of my best friends got married and had a simple tea and punch reception, I would still likely gift at least £100/$160 because they’re my best friend. Whereas if it were a colleague/casual acquaintance havign a simple cake and punch reception I would be satisfied just covering my plate (eg maybe £30/$50)

The topic ‘Cover your plate’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors