(Closed) Cover your plate

posted 5 years ago in Reception
Post # 121
Member
6292 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Horseradish:  Really agree with your analogy re going to dinner at someone’s place; if someone is cooking a simple meal for me (spag bol) I’ll probably show up with a bottle of wine for myself, and something small (cheaper bottle of wine or a simple bunch of flowers) for the hostess, as spag bol costs, what, £3 a head?

If I’m going for a 3 course meal I would at the very least bring a nice bunch of flowers, a good bottle of wine, or a bottle of champagne, for the host, and then whatever I happen to be drinking (usually a good bottle of wine, or 2, which I’m happy to share).

To me, that’s just being polite. The same goes for something like a cheap and cheerful engagement party where the only thing they’ve put on is a simple buffet; I would just NEVER turn up empty handed, I would bring at least a card plus bottle of champagne ie around £25/$40; so again, in a round about way I’ll be covering my plate.

I guess I just see things like this as a celebration with (hopefully) close friends and/or family, and while I know that they have chosen to host an event, and while I know they want me there and they want to celebrate with me, I would just hate them to be ‘out of pocket’ for having me there, and so would always at least try to cover that cost. I just feel happier doing that; it isn’t about one upmanship or looking ‘good’ or being a snob, for me personally it’s just the nice, polite thing to do.

If I don’t want to cover my plate, I’m probably not close to the couple; therefore, why would I be accepting an invitation to their $150 pp event?… I would just politely decline and let them invite someone else who does want to be there.

Post # 122
Member
807 posts
Busy bee

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  I didn’t want to read through all of the responses, so it may have been already said! I grew up in California, but my family are all Russian immigrants. Growing up, all I’ve known is getting money for birthdays, graduations, etc. I actually never knew a term existed for “covering your plate,” because it was always just done in our family. In fact, if you didn’t cover your plate, it was seen as very rude to the hosts. I suppose its a cultural thing.

Post # 123
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

weddingmaven:   “It is customary to give a wedding gift according to the closeness of the relationship and your budget.”  

No, that’s just customary for your area, background, and social circle.  That is not the be-all and end-all rule of polite gift-giving, and American/Canadian standards aren’t the standards for the rest of the world to adopt.  The only hard rule of politeness is considering the feelings of others.

If you leave your area, you might find public spitting acceptable.  Or you might find it’s ok to show a movie with nudity in a high school.  Or the ‘thumbs up’ sign is an obsence gesture.  What’s polite in your community doesn’t apply everywhere.        

Edit: It’s really ethnocentric to assume that the rules we have adopted are the “right” rules.     

Post # 126
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I didn’t read all the responses but the “Cover your plate” rule is for guests to have an idea on what to give

it’s NOT for the bride and groom to expect to get money back nor is it a must have. It’s a guideline. I don’t understand why people on here get in such a tizzy about gift giving. It’s a wedding and people are paying for your presence and while you have no control on how much they spend it is nice to give the couple a nice start off to their live together, hence, a gift.

Also cover your plate isnt a situation where you need to know EXACTLY how much the couple spent. Ppl are taking it too far. My friend had a wedding at a hall with 3 courses so I gave 100 for me and 100 for my Boyfriend or Best Friend.. easy peasy..not the end of the world or a big deal

Sidenote: I’m Candian of Jamaican descent and originally from Toronto …

Post # 127
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee

Any Northwesterners here?  I’m baffled by some of these amounts and somewhat embaressed!  I have never given a couple $200 – $500.  I usually get a gift off the registry for $75 – $100.  I think its kind of awkward particularly with peers weddings to hand them a check.  Although as I’ve gotten older I’ve switched to gift cards and this summer I think I’m finally going to move to a check.  This is more because my friends have gotten older too and I know that people don’t need stuff for their kitchen.  I think my practice is the norm here.  I feel like gift registries I see start running out of items and I’ve seen big tables of gifts at weddings.  I can’t see the majority of my family members writing me checks for $200 – $500. 

As an aside – who do I write the check to?  I don’t know if they have a joint bank account.  Don’t know when bride is changing her name?  What do you do?

Post # 128
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I am in the minority on this one I guess but…

On the other hand… I think its rude to give someone a less expensive gift just because you are not close to them and not cover your cost to attend their wedding. If you feel that you aren’t close enough to merit “covering the cost of your plate” i would say don’t go… smh

Post # 129
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Scarlett11:  Usually people put Mr and Mrs. Whatever… no harm no foul.. if anything the groom deposits it? No offence, I really think people overthink this sometimes…

It’s really not that serious

Post # 131
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  Again, where most people in this thread is going wrong is with the word EXPECT… the bee who started the forum about expecting people to cover there plate is off base. No one generally expects it but it is the gracious and kind thing to do, as a guest.

The rule isn’t an expectation is a guideline for gift giving…

 

Post # 132
Member
3725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I try to cover my plate at all of the weddings I go to.

Post # 133
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

MeandMyLouboutins:  Mrs.Sawyertobe:  Exactly! Where did I ever use the word EXPECT? That is why some have a problem with this. You think we’re feeling entitled or something. No. It is just a guideline as someone stated earlier. Otherwise, you are showing up with 50 bucks. Your PLATE costs 50 bucks. So where is the actual GIFT? Does that make more sense?

Post # 134
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I live in Florida and grew up in the Seattle area. Never heard of it until the Bee and several days later from my NY friend who is planning his wedding.

Post # 135
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’m from northern Wisconsin and I practice the “cover your plate” and also gift extra money on top of it depending on how close we are with the couple.

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