Post # 1
This is really a late night vent more than anything…
I moved for my boyfriend a few months back. Everything was going great. I found a new, decent job in our new city, living together was fabulous, he bought a house for us, we were closer than ever emotionally, I was very happy.
Of course as we all know, COVID-19 struck. I was laid off from my job about 2 weeks ago along with everyone else who was relatively new. I lost my health insurance as it was through my job. My boyfriend has a medical condition that makes him high risk, so I was up all night for many nights – as I am again tonight – with fear and worry about him getting sick. However, we were getting along well during quarantine and he can work from home. He earns enough to support us both as long as we are mindful of “fun” spending. He asked me to marry him and said when this is all over he wants us to go look at engagement rings so he can “formally” propose, as this experience made him want to get engaged sooner rather than later. He realizes life is uncertain in ways we cannot ancitipate, and he no longer wants to wait on his ideal schedule for important decisions. He is sure about me and I am sure about him. But he is worried about his health and the world. I am too. This is not how I’d anticipated a joyous occasion like my engagement to be. I can’t even fathom the future in 6 months, much less something like our wedding, with the way the world is.
Two days later (last week), a member of my immediate family died suddenly due to COVID-19. We cannot go home to my city as it is the epicenter of this illness in my country. I cannot see the rest of my family, and don’t know when I can. I could not attend the burial. I am heartbroken and feeling very alone, scared, and lost. If you’d asked me three weeks ago, I would have said my life is fantastic and I’m having so much fun. Now, I just feel devastated and hopeless. I feel totally unmoored and I feel ANGRY with these people who did not take this pandemic seriously, with leadership and media that called it a “hoax,” with heartless people that would rather see people die than have the stock market suffer….I can’t sleep, I can’t eat….I’m just sickened and angry and so, so sad. My boyfriend has been wonderful and supportive and has been taking care of me – comforting me, cooking, cleaning, everything I could ask for and more. He took a few bereavement days even while working from home just so he could give me his undivided attention, company, and care. But there is no magic spell to undo what I’m feeling. Is it normal that I can’t be happy about my engagement (or anything else) at the moment? I haven’t told anyone about it and don’t plan to for the foreseeable future. I don’t know what to do about the future anymore. Will things ever return to some semblance of normalcy, or is this just the way of the world now? Sorry, I really don’t know what I expect anyone to say in response to this, but I’ve been struggling to discuss it with people I know in real life.
Post # 2
- Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club
oh bee (hugs). I am so sorry for all this. you are so entitled to your feelings; you carry so much and tomorrow is always unknown. (hugs).
Post # 3
I’m so sorry about your loss. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be about not being able to be there for the services and everything. It really is a shame that there are people out there who don’t understand how serious this virus is.
Congrats on the engagement! I would consider you engaged already and you have that to look forward to once this all ends. Looking forward to an engagement/wedding hopefully will ease your stress a little and give you something to look forward to 🙂
Post # 4
Gosh, you’ve been through the worst week. I’m so sorry for your loss. Everything you’re feeling is completely reasonable considering what you’ve been through. I’m so sorry you’ve been robbed of a close family member, your job, and the joy of engagement. I’m sorry that through your suffering you still have to endure people who just don’t get it and are making the problem worse. This tragedy hit you like a train. The suddeness and unexpectedness is of it all is incredible.
I’m so glad you have your loving fiance there to support you. He sounds like a good one. My hope is for you that you will stay healthy and one day, however far away, you can finally experience the joy of reuniting with loved ones and celebrating your engagement. It’s okay that you can’t think about celebration now. That will come with time and healing. ❤︎❤︎❤︎
Post # 5
We’re all spectators until it becomes personal. I’m so sorry for your loss, Bee. You have every right to be sad, frustrated, unsure, and angry.
Post # 6
But the problem is I don’t truly feel happy about it or look forward to it at all. I’m worried my engagement is tied forever to this painful time. When I try to think about it, all I can think is, how can I tell anyone when we’re all grieving? It would be so inappropriate in my mind to celebrate anything when we’re all hurting so deeply. I don’t even know when I’d be able to tell my own mother.
Thinking about it is painful as even once this is all over, things for me won’t go back to “normal” because the dead cannot come back to life. I can get a new job (probably a worse job considering the economic outlook), but people are irreplaceable. I don’t know how to change this thought in my mind and feel happy about the future or look forward to anything, really.
Post # 7
Thank you. I think I have an underlying fear that these feelings will never go away, or that my engagement is somehow tainted…I feel like I’ve lost all sense of what is normal and reasonable, it’s just been such a whirlwind. So many people in real life have told me to “stay strong” but it’s really just not that easy.
Post # 8
Oh Bee, I’m so sorry.
You’re allowed to feel your grief in any way you need to – it’s completely “normal” to not feel normal at all.
When it comes to the loss of a close family member, all I can say is, no you probably won’t ever feel the way you did three weeks ago. But, with the support it looks like you have with your SO, you will be able to re-build. A new “normal” so to speak.
You are allowed to mourn that loss, as you would any other loss.
Give yourself permission to be upset, angry, terrified. Don’t ever marginalise your pain just because you want to be better. Pain is pain.
Allow yourself to feel it, then maybe you can take the steps to move forward. Maybe get excited about that engagement again and maybe someday associate it with the joy of the next step, rather than the sadness of this tragedy. Understand that the people you lose in life walk beside you if you let them, even as you have those big life moments.
And as for COVID…it will likely get worse before it gets better and depending where you are in the world that could be devastating. But, like all things, it too shall pass eventually.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry. There is so much going on for you and I’m sure so many feelings. My mom recently–not from Covid, but she died right as it started hitting the US. That was upsetting enough, but then this pandemic hit and things are just really awful right now. My only advice is to be gentle with yourself. It is ok to feel whatever you are feeling because there is so much going on.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry bee. Coming from someone who has suddenly and traumatically lost an immediate family member, I feel for you. You are 100% right that things won’t go back to “normal” ever again, you’ll never be the person you were before. But slowly with time you will develop a new normal, become a new family unit. At only one week in, it is still such a whirlwind of emotions and like a haze almost, life seems to stand still. I can’t even imagine not being able to be with family during a time like that and my heart breaks for you.
I’m so happy your fiance is there for you for this – my husband (then boyfriend) really stepped up and supported me big time when my sister died and that’s actually the point I realized I wanted to marry him. If you want to keep the proposal on the down low for a few months until your family can start to grieve, that is totally okay. It is also okay to be happy and be excited to share that joy – your family member (parent or sibling I assume?) would want you to be happy. That’s always a hard one to think about, but as you live your life think about what they would want for you.
There isn’t much any of us can say right now that can help you, other than it takes time. You will evolve into a new person with a much different outlook on life and as a new family. It’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay to be happy and experience joy. For me, I’ve just tried to live my life in my sisters honor and make sure I cherish every moment. I was the youngest but I’m older than her now, and I try to remind myself I am living and experiencing milestones she never got to achieve and I need to be grateful of every moment and every person. Hugs.
Post # 11
I’m sorry you’re hurting. The feelings you’re having are totally understandable; losing your job and a family member at the same time is very traumatic. The bright spot is your fiance’s attitude about how you can’t wait for the perfect time because you never know. This reflects a high level of maturity and an ability to learn from disappointment, so take comfort in the fact that you picked a good man. And in these times we have to take comfort where we can find it.
Post # 12
First off, congratulations on your engagement!
I’m so sorry for your loss – a difficult time when you should be with family and it’s heartbreaking. You are allowed to be pissed off. I know I’m pissed off that some idiots are still not taking this serious, I’m pissed off that this is our new normal and I’m really pissed off that our administration called it fake and didn’t take action soon enough.
Post # 13
Gosh bee I am so sorry this happened. I can’t imagine the anguish you are experiencing.
Like others have said fortunately you have a wonderful and supportive man (now fiancé!!!) to be there for you right now. You are seeing his true colors and it is clear that you are with a wonderful person who will be there for you in your darkest hour. That is priceless.
There will come a time where you will be excited to tell your friends and family your news. It will never be the same as you’d imagined it and it won’t be the same without your loved one but eventually you will be able to celebrate.
Again I’m so sorry and hope you find as much comfort as you can right now
Post # 14
Thank you. Yes, he is a good man and I am extremely grateful. I can’t imagine how much harder this would be without him, or if he had shown himself to not be the good person I know him to be once times got really, truly tough as they are now. I think that makes my overwhelming gloom feel even worse, I want to be cheerful and excited for him and I just can’t. He understands but I feel bad about it anyway. I know it makes him sad to see me like this.
Words can’t express how much I want this pandemic to be over with already. I just really need a sense of normalcy again of any kind. Thanks to everyone, it helps to know I’m not somehow “wrong” to feel like this. I’ve always been raised to be “strong” and feeling so utterly weak and helpless has really been a struggle in ways I can’t fully articulate. I guess time is the only solution but it’s unbearable in the interim.