Coworker may be interested in my husband??

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

Here are some ways she could twist the situation to HR and at the least cause annoyance or at most get your husband fired in the current climate where employers will just fire potential harassers: 

1. He discriminates based on sex. Would only have out of office events (biking, happy hour) with male employees. 

2. Use her bff to be a “witness” to your husband making moves on her. (Doesn’t matter if there is truth to it… If an allegation is made, the investigation will be ugly)

3. He purposely moved the party items home to try to get her to meet him alone at home. 

4. He asked her whether she was single now, and asked uncomfortable questions about her sex life with her ex.

…. Anyway, lots a crazy can do at work to ruin innocent parties. He needs to shut this down asap, and maybe even contact his HR to note his uncomfortableness preemptively.

Post # 32
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

Your husband needs to stop responding to her communications on his phone. She’s a coworker, and by the way she’s behaving and making you BOTH feel annoyed and uncomfortable, she is NOT A FRIEND. She’s trying to weasel into your lives by being overly friendly and “wanting to be your best friend.” But obviously that is not genuine.

You need to tell him she’s crossed the line many times- maybe even show him this thread, he can read how dozens of other women feel about these same interactions.

If she asks for help, “I’m busy,” or no reponse at all. Excuse himself if he finds himself isolated with her, talk to others, stay by you. This is how you shut a crazyass down. He needs to dismiss her before she does anything else crazy.

I second speaking with HR FIRST!!! Such a good idea. That she’s being invasive, being too personal in a way he isn’t comfortable with, etc.

Post # 33
Member
6314 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

She may have a crush on your husband, but that doesn’t matter. All he needs to do is shut down all overtures from her- no texting outside of work hours and no responding to things that aren’t work related. He definitely should not be allowing her to come to your home or telling her that you might not be home. And my husband really would have been told off for allowing some chick to even think she can come to MY house and “rummage” through my garage. Ass out or not.

I do not agree with PPs that he necessarily likes it- only because I have a husband who can be a dumb dumb about boundaries and veer too far into “nice” territory because he doesn’t want to embarrass someone or hurt their feelings. (This is how he recently ended up with an unstable, former drug addict who had hired him as her personal trainer showing up for sessions in full makeup and drenched in perfume and texting him like he was her best girlfriend all about her life and her sexual escapades and really inappropriate personal information and then publicly announcing to friends of his that he was her “best friend!” after only knowing one another for a few weeks. 😛 ) 

Your husband needs to get his head out of the sand, make note of all of these things you mentioned (and any others that you might have left out or that he may not have told you about) and file it. This chick is getting bolder… coming to your home. Psssssh.

Post # 34
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I really don’t want to start asking my husband not to spend time with his friends because I think it is very important and healthy for each of us to have hobbies and friendships outside of our marriage…

So, don’t do that? Don’t waste your time worrying about this bee. She may have a history of behaving slightly inappropriately and it’s possible she has a crush on your husband, but it’s not her you have to trust, it’s him. He’s a grown man. He should be able to take care of himself. If he can’t, that’s something else entirely to worry about and it has nothing to do with her…

Post # 35
Member
2666 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

kayt2 :  honestly……I’d be really offended, would consider everything she has done to be blatant disrespect and I’d find a way to relieve her of that job. Fuck slutty bitches. Any woman who will pursue another woman’s husband deserves whatever retaliation the wife choose. Wage war girl!

Post # 36
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

Well, let her be interested. What matters is, you can trust your husband. What she wants is really not relevant at all; nothing can happen unless your husband cooperates. So relax. I’m sure you married an intelligent man whom you can trust. So give him some credit.

Post # 37
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

What should you do?  Ask your husband to follow through with what he agreed to originally, that “he would try to be more conscious and cautious in his interactions with her”.  How you feel should outweigh any other factor, and if this makes you uncomfortable, he needs to make some changes and stop being so nice to her.  It doesn’t mean being rude, but requires setting really clear boundaries.

He should cease any sort of texting between her unless related to work and during working hours.  Under no circumstance should he be helping her with things outside of work, nor is there any reason for her to come to your home… ever.

She seems like the kind of girl who will keep pushing for more, whether or not he wants it.  

 

Post # 38
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

“As someone turned on music, she proceeded to give a female coworker (one of her close friends) a lap dance while staring at my husband.”

 

I worry more about this work environment as a whole, personally. This work environment would be WAAAAAY too incestuous for my liking. It’s ok for your husband to partake in fun times outside of work with coworkers OCCASIONALLY but, they aren’t his friends, they’re HIS COWORKERS. He needs to realize this. It sounds like the boundaries here have been blurred… not a good situation. Why can’t your husband make other friends that aren’t coworkers? I fell into that same trap myself a while back and it did not end well for me. Ever since then, I make sure to be cordial to my coworkers and will see them once in a while, outside of work but, I will NEVER make the mistake of getting too close to people who could be out for my job! I would advise ANYONE to keep a healthy set of boundaries in regards to their coworkers. You can go out every now and then to keep up appearances and keep moral up but, as soon as texting starts on weekends etc. I think that’s where a line is crossed. 

You’re not asking your husband to spend less time with his friends. Again, they aren’t his friends, they are first and foremost, his coworkers… people who could snipe his job and screw him over with smiles on their faces! I hope he comes to that realization soon before things get too messy for him. This is where at least half of your household support is coming from so, a level of professionalism is most important for both your lives. I think you should have a talk with him about boundaries and limits. Maybe he doesn’t go out with them every week but, once a month instead… because I see a slippery slope here. Too much time is being spent with these people and one day, that will come with a price. 

And as for this chick? He should have told her “no” to coming over after his injury. Next time something like that happens, he needs to start saying “no”. She might be persistent at first but, usually people take the hint after being turned down a few times. This includes text messages too. He needs to put a stop to that as well. This woman sounds like she wants not just his attention but, every man’s attention in the room who will give it to her. She’s one of those chicks who likes to be “the only woman in the room”, that’s why she has no problem hanging out with a bunch of guys in her spare time… even getting offended when she’s not included.

I would keep my eyes open and start setting some boundaries as a couple if I were you.  

 

 

Post # 39
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

This would annoy the literal shit out of me. You have been a f*cking saint in my opinion through all these shenanigans. In my relationship, fi knows ‘no texts to personal phone off work hours’. These are not your friends, they are your coworkers. That goes for me too. Sure there may be a couple of people you connect with and become friends with, like your husband, that’s all fine and good. But hoes is a no. If someone is flirting with me, they ain’t getting my number and we aren’t friends. Boundaries. It’s not about your husband, it’s about her! She doesn’t need to get any ideas in that tiny brain of hers. 

But she is crossing a line. What gets me is why your husband said it was fine for her to borrow the corn hole. I get it, he’s a nice helpful guy. But that would have been a ‘hells no’. Your home is your safe haven, you dont need some nasty ass b*tch knowing where you sleep at night.. F*ck that. She a thot. She needs to go. And her texts are obnoxious. Why is she texting your man about wood working? I would be rippin if this was me but I am a jealous type, ain’t no denying that. 

But legit, no more stops at the house that is not appropriate. No more borrowing shit from yall. And as far as texts go, I would think he should put long ass pauses in between responses and or copmletely ignore. She is beyond inappropriate. The lap dance thing is gross. My spidey senses are going off and I think yours are too, don’t ignore them!

 

Post # 40
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

I think if your husband is ignoring her advances you have no worries.  She sounds like a person who needs attention and has her attentions focused on your husband

Post # 41
Member
12315 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I don’t think this is appropriate behavior or that as well meaning as I think he is, that your husband is doing enough to protect himself and respect you. It is no coincidence that he shared the story of her cornering him to say she broke up with her boyfriend right after that gross and totally inappropriate lap dance with her female coworker. I also think there is enough here to report in an HR context.

So, I agree with PP, NO more after hours texts, period.  Ignore unless work related and even then if not time pressured. No more helping her with anything not job related or lending her things. Sorry, he doesn’t have the time or it’s not convenient. Ignore and distance until she gets the message.

As a more general matter I think the whole office would benefit from more professional expectations and boundaries both in and out of the office. 

The vibe I get from this woman is that she has issues with or without your husband, but that she’s targeting him.

Post # 42
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I had a similar situation with my husband and his co-worker many years ago. She worked in a different department but always found a reason to be in his office, almost daily. At company parties, lunches, happy-hour events,, etc, she always sat next to him and rode shotgun in his car. There are photos of her pressed up against him (to be fair, we were dating at the time, not married, but still) from thighs to shoulders and one where she’s draped over him with her hand on his upper thigh. I felt very disrespected and asked him to stop communicating with her outside of work hours and to stick to work topics during the workweek. He was also put off by her actions and agreed that limited interaction would be best. And he stuck to this plan.  Her flirty, clingy behavior continued even after she left that job and he diffused all situations till she finally dropped it. When she contacted my husband a few years later, he straight up ignored her texts. ***

OP, all of this to say that you should have an open and honest conversation with your husband about how her actions and behavior make you feel. As your spouse, his allegiance is to you, first.  Come up with a few deflection tactics for work ambushes and pull back from the company social events a bit. He should ignore all communication from her that’s outside working hours. Once you’ve agreed on a plan, he needs to go to HR and voice his concerns. Her behavior is overly friendly, often flirtatious, makes him uncomfortable, crosses professional boundaries, etc. He really should have his statment on file now in case she goes batsh!t when he ignores her. Good luck. I hope you and your spouse are able to move past this together with mimimal drama. 

***I have no issues with my spouse hanging out with female coworkers, or female friends in general. In fact, one of his closest friends is a woman and I happen to love her. But I drew the line with this *particular* female coworker who was hitting on and flirting with my spouse and being disrespectful to me, my spouse, and our marriage. 

Post # 43
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like he just needs some boundaries set up with her. He doesn’t reply to any texts anymore or phone calls from her period. She shouldn’t contact him outside of the office period. He should block her on his cell and move on. Then you both should agree that he not be in situations where he is alone with her EVER. Not outside of work, not in a car, she can’t come over to your house. If she needs a ride home and they would be alone in the car he canot drive her. He can offer to call her an uber, or ask another coworker to go with them in the car. I have a feeling that if she no longer has access to him or his cell phone outside of work she won’t have any way to really try to get invited to things, or come over, etc. Is she really going to put into a work email her complaint she isn’t invited to some bike trip? No. I think he can agree to block her on his cell phone, keep contact with her for only when he is on site at work, and agree that he is never to be alone with her. If she does anything inappropriate in his presence he leaves. She gets dancy and drunk at a work event or at a bar and you aren’t there with him? HE LEAVES. it isn’t that hard. If she acts inappropriately in the office towards him he takes it to HR immediately. 

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