Post # 1
I need to vent about some insensitive things my friends have done — well, said — since I got engaged.
- One friend refused to give me his address for the save-the-date and asked, “Can’t I just send you a really nice gift?”
- A bridesmaid e-mailed me to find out if we could have the bachelorette party 3 months before the wedding because she will be out west this summer (we are based in NYC) and, “it would be much easier for me if we could do it before I leave, so I don’t have to fly back.”
- And the worst one… a very close friend inadvertently forwarded me an e-mail between him and another friend discussing travel plans for my wedding. The other friend wrote, “Tell her if she picked a cheaper place to get married you would stay for an extra night.” To which he replied, “Ha!” The kicker is, the close friend got married in SF and we were so happy to celebrate with him. It was not an insignificant investment to do so, however, vacation time-wise and financially. The other friend got married in Buffalo on a Sunday in late October.
Between this series of events and the fact that my dad is not coming to the wedding, I’m feeling really down about the whole thing and not much looking forward to the wedding. It’s as if the people who I thought were my friends, aren’t, and that really, I have no friends. It’s just sad. Anyway, any words of comfort or similar stories you could share to commiserate would be much appreciated.
Post # 3
I’m sorry that your friends were so mean about your wedding, especially forwarding you that email. I don’t have any similar stories but you will be able to get through this and in the end you are marrying the guy of your dreams!
Post # 4
IMO none of these things were that bad to say that these people aren’t your friends. I wouldn’t think too much about it. The first one seems like it could have been a joke. Did he say it via internet? Maybe the tone was just lost. To me, the second seems pretty legit. I know my cousin moved her bachlorette party for me so I wouldn’t have to fly across the country for another event. I didn’t ask her to do it. She just moved it to when I would already be home. Being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is expensive, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a bachlorette party a little early to save her the cost of a flight. And the last one does seem uncalled for if you traveled for their weddings. Again, maybe it was just sent as a joke? I would just take a deep breath, realize that you can’t please everyone, and think about something else that’s going right with the wedding planning, or don’t even think about the wedding at all. Just take a break and come back to it when you’re not stressed out about these things. Good luck!
Post # 5
It really sucks to have to hear all of those comments one after the other. Just remember that they are thinking of everything from their perspective, not yours. Are you having a destination wedding that’s difficult for people to get to? When we were considering one, we got negative comments as well, and we ended up choosing the location most convenient to the majority of guests.
#1) That’s just weird. Did he provide explanation or eventually give you the address? Maybe it was just a bad joke.
#2) Not too bad actually, I think my shower is going to be 4-5 months prior to wedding to accommodate bridesmaids schedules. FI’s bachelor party is being organized around a GM’s summer plans so that he doesn’t have to fly back for it. Flying back for a party is expensive and extravagant, and I think your Bridesmaid or Best Man isn’t being too unreasonable
#3) This one’s a bit insensitive…but guys are often very insensitive in general, they just don’t get how hurtful it can be.
Focus on the positive – I’m sure your friends still love you, these comments make it seem like they are just a bit clueless, not uncaring.
Post # 6
thanks for all your comments so far — I guess I should clarify a couple of things. the first comment was completely not a joke and no, he still has not given me his address and is not planning on attending (also, it was in person)
I’m actually fine with having the bachelorette party earlier, it was more the delivery rather than the message.
and the third comment was definitely not a joke, since they both realized what they did afterwards and said it was an accident that that e-mail got forwarded to me.
Post # 7
I think as brides we become more sensitive. That doesn’t mean those things weren’t kind of rude though. My example? We are having a pretty laid back reception on New Years Eve, and as part of dessert we are having a make your own smores bar. I was telling my cousin (a bridesmaid) this — and she said “what, are we camping?!” My sis (MOH) was there and immediately said ” I think it’s awesome!” LOL. I sort of froze.
Post # 8
I know how you feel about friends. Only one member of my BP is truly a close friend and I’m having to pay for his flight up here, but he won’t commit to coming so I can’t book it until he knows for sure…grrr!
Post # 9
My brother told his gf (of 10 yrs who may as well be my sil by now) well since they’re having a small ceremony thats private I don’t think you have to come and might not even be invited. Just show up to eat at the reception after work… I corrected that pretty quickly but I just couldn’t believe how much of a dumb moment that was for him..
Post # 10
I am more on the sensitive side these days, so that would have upset me. I can understand how you would feel bad with the comments said. try not to let it get to you!
Post # 11
I would be offended as well. Although with weddings people become and act strange. I would try and not let it bother you too much. There are so many exciting and great things that are going to occur between then and now. Try to focus on that. You can never make everyone happy.
Post # 12
I did a post on this last night.. In one day I had three things happen to me.. I find that wedding planning somedays comments can be hurtful other days it just rolls off the back and I dont even think of it.
Post # 13
Well the only two thigns I’ve had to deal with are my mom making every snide remark possible and friends/some family making comments about us having OUR wedding OUR state and not in their state (3,000 miles away). i’ve let it all go though because i don’t give a Sh$t anymore 🙂 the people who are my close friends and relatives didnt say anything negative and in fact have supported our decision to have it here. try to keep your head up and let those negative comments roll off your back too.
Post # 14
i think wedding planning brings on a lot more stress internally, than it does externally with all of the “things that need to get done.”
just understand that they’re on the other side of the fence and may not understand or be as sensitive as you’d like ppl to be.
i can def say i was prolly that insensitive friend to another bride at some point or another. not intentionally, but not really realizing how important and how big of a deal a wedding truly is!
and i now know, esp being in the bridal shoes now!
Post # 15
i think for me it was the lack of talking that upset me about my friends. they never asked about the wedding or talked about it. ever. my friend’s mother was way more excited that she was (i’ve known her since kindergarten), and her mom would constantly ask me questions and tell me how happy she was for me. but all of my friends…. nothing.
when it was time for my shower, i had to bug them to rsvp. and when i did, one of them said, “yeah, i can go, it’s on a day that’s good for me because i don’t do anything on sundays and it’s close to my house so it’s convenient.” no, “i’m so excited for your shower!” it’s convenient. thanks.
we have grown up together and talked about how fun it will be for the bachelorette party of the first person to get married (me), but my bridesmaids (only my sister and sil b/c it’s a small wedding) decided to give me a surprise trip to vermont, just the bridal party. we did this for my sil too and had a party at home as well for all of her friends at home, so i thought since my friends were so excited for a bachelorette party they would throw something, nothing huge. nope. nothing. i complained to another friend about it and she put one together, but i felt like it was a pity bachelorette party.
i could go on forever about my friends and their lack of interest in my wedding. i know they have their reasons, and quite frankly i don’t give a damn. when your good friend has something as huge as a wedding, you’re happy for her. plain and simple.
Post # 16
When we told my mum we were engaged she was quite vocal in her disappointment that I was getting married and not pregnant (which is what she’d assumed our ‘special news’ was. She made a million comments about the wedding being Catholic and when I told her I might go back to my natural hair colour for the wedding she stopped deadpan and went; ‘Mouse?’. It’s funny now but at the time I was gutted.
I think as brides-to-be we are more senstive than we’d usually be but people should totally remember that and not be rude.
Try not to let it bother you, in the great scheme of things, what they think/say doesn’t matter.