Post # 16
mrsintravert : I am trying now that I know but I want to be myself and not feel guilty for wanting to be antisocial when I need to be…I just want her to accept me for me, as I am accepting her for her and trying to see where she is coming from.
So you want her to accept you for you–but you don’t seem to have any interest or willingness at all to understand or accept her feelings or needs for the relationship, despite what you say. “Well, this is who I am so I’m not doing anything wrong and my brother says she’s crazy anyway” is not “empathy” on your part. You are both to blame for the poor relationship.
Post # 17
Based on the way you describe events it sounds like a pretty fair assumption on her part that your dad was going to watch both kids, and free help or not, I’d be frustrated that wasn’t communicating to me as a parent directly. I’d be way more frustrated if I expressed that frustration since childcare is pretty important to a working parent, and was told some bs about how nothing is your fault bc why should you be expected to plan, and at least I have food.
Post # 18
It’s also incredibly ironic that you’re accusing her of being un-empathetic when nothing in any of your posts shows any empathy for her.
Post # 19
This is one of those cases where there are definitely two sides to the story. OP, I imagine your SIL’s version of events is very different from yours.
Post # 20
mrsintravert : If your father is openly discussing taking care of two grandchildren at once, it’s not unreasonable to assume that you asked him.
By the way, it should be obvious, but it is disrespectful to ask “oh, we’re having dinner at 6, where would you like to go?” because you are assuming (1) she is joining you and (2) she has no choice on the timing. It is not high maintenence to expect that someone consider your thoughts rather than assume you will acquiesce. Also, even from your characterization, it doesn’t sound like she has a problem speaking up.
Given your comments, her relative age, and the fact that she was engaged and had a child before you, I wouldn’t be surprised if you are the one that is jealous.
Finally, if your brother is describing her as “crazy” that speaks more to his character, not hers.
Post # 21
Op I understand how you are feeling. If anyone who wasn’t one of my actual siblings was treating my parents and dad like they owned them I would be pissed. YOU are their child not sil, where does she get the balls to try to dictate anything between you and your parents?! Insane to me. I’d probably respond to any of her rude attempts to tell me that I had to go through her and get her permission for MY dad to babysit my child with a, umm you know what isn’t going to happen here? You thinking that you ever come first before my dads relationship with his daughter (me). I will workout whatever arrangement that my dad and I please, stay in your lane.
id also fully expect your parents to be the ones to set SIl straight. They should tell her that them babysitting her child is a privilege not a right and she can take it or leave it. That their daughter is welcome to ask them for anything and it’s their call on if they do it or not. My parents would never let some daughter in law come before their their actual children, or allow them to Shit talk their child or make trouble in the family.
zzar45: I don’t care if you think that’s rude. I’m not talking about one grandkid being more important than the other. But my parents are MY parents. No one will try to tell me how to interact with them, what to ask them for etc. that’s crossing the line for SIl to be overstepping in that way. I would never dream of speaking to my in-laws in a way where I was assuming I was more important to them than their blood children. I wouldn’t ever suggest they put me before their actual children. That’s just so inappropriate. SIl can go order around her own parents if that’s what she wants. But she has no place to be telling parents what they can and can’t do for their children.
Post # 22
I agree with others who say it’s a two sided thing. She seems to react more… intensely.., than the situation calls for. However, being an introvert isn’t an excuse to be rude. You mentioned you managed to share you engagement news with 4 friends, if you are close with your brother it shouldn’t have been too much harder to share with him.
Regarding the child care, I do understand the anxiety and not wanting to make assumptions before the baby is here, I had bad anxiety during my pregnancy and was uncomfortable buying things or having other people express their excitement. It sounds like there were some misunderstandings though, and to declare that you should be able to solo pick someone who will be watching her child as well and she shouldn’t have a say, let alone an opinion, because she isn’t paying, is a little ridiculous. People pick the specific carers for their children very carefully. Regarding dinner plans I do agree that while her reaction is over the top, the way you claim to phrase it does sound very demanding, and for someone who maybe already feels like they aren’t being included in the family (we have plenty of those posts on these boards, people who feel their in-laws don’t accept them) it could be a last straw type situation.
It’s also not cool for your brother to be calling his wife crazy to outside people, and that isn’t an excuse for you to be declaring it of her either.
If you want actual advice, which it doesn’t sound like you really do, then maybe make an effort to text her or your brother if you have news that’s worthy of sharing with your close friends. Definitely discuss things involving your children before making unilateral decisions. And consider changing up your language to make things feel more like an invitation or request than a summons/command. You can’t change how she reacts, and it does sound like sometimes she reacts unreasonably, but you can try to make a slight effort to treat her better and see what happens.
Post # 23
“My parents would never let some daughter in law come before their their actual children”
mrsssb : what a rude comment, why should SIL “stay in her lane” when it disregards *her* child? You’re pretty much saying a grandkid from a daughter is more family than a grandkid from a son? The SIL and the other child in this IS family, the kid isn’t some stranger it’s OP’s brother’a child.
Post # 24
sunburn : I totally agree with you that there are two sides of the story. I am writing from my point of view and can only write that as I cannot speak for her point of view. All I want to figure out is how and what I can do to help her feel more a part of the family in her eyes when I already thought her of as family. Maybe I shouldn’t have labeled “crazy”, but that was the word my brother said a couple times and just can’t get it out of my mind when associating with her. She is probably just hurt and I can see it.
anonymousbee001 : wow, okay, no need to be mean. People have different priorities and get married at different ages. And not everyone has the ability to get pregnant on their first try either. And no, I didn’t ask my dad too babysit yet at that point, my dad just assumed he will. And I confronted her and told her that I hadn’t. So hence that’s why I felt like she thought I did something that I didn’t do. My question on my post was what should I do in my situation.
saratiara2 : if it were the other way around and I had a baby before her, I wouldn’t have been mad at her not asking me, I would have been delighted that my dad wanted to babysit my niece as well, as long as my dad is good with it. I am not asking for anyone to say who is to blame, I just want to know what others would do if one were in my shoes, that’s all.