Post # 1
I am 31 and husband is 33. I have a career which required a lot of time time commitment so now is the first time I will have the money and time and even think about life. We both def want 1-2 kids. Our original plan was to work for 3-4 years to make us financially stable (house, ER savings, retirment etc) and then TTC. In the mean time we also wanted to finally spend some time travelling since we both have flexibility with our schedules. Lately though I have been feeling like I don’t want to wait. Hubby still wants to go with our original plan. He thinks that I am only feeling this way because a lot of our friends are Preg and having kids.
I don’t know I guess I am just confused and wanted to discuss this topic with others and get their opinion
Post # 2
Could you offer a compromise? Instead of waiting 3-4 years wait 1-2 years and see where you are at then? You could just be having random broodiness or you could genuinely feel this is time, only you know this answer. Either way you have to talk to your husband about it. I know you already have but he is waving off your feelings as being random and fleeting and I think this post says they are not and it’s clearly on your mind. Have this discussion with him and let him know you’re serious and wanting to discuss potentially changing the time line.
I kind of had a similar situation, I was broody then I wasn’t then I was then I wasn’t. I’m not/never have been maternal or really wanted kids, and my husband would put it off for as long as possible if he could but he’s always wanted a family. Every time I said “I want babies now” he’d roll his eyes and say no you don’t. But recently I told him I do, actually, I know I do and I would like to talk to you about it and to my surprise he said hey me too, and now we are NTNP because we are in no rush. But it shocked me that he was like “actually you know what, since I know you’re serious, I am open to this.”
Post # 3
I don’t like that he is telling you that you don’t actually feel what you feel – that it’s because your friends are having babies that you want to move up your timetable – but I do have a suggestion:
Can you work out a compromise? Agree on a couple of things you want to have done/achieved/experienced before you start TTC (or not trying not to)? Maybe having some concrete plans will help you both feel like you’re meeting in the middle.
My husband and I are trying to relocate and he’s applying for jobs in a new field before we start TTC. His friend is getting married next summer in Europe, and my husband really wants to go, but I don’t want to put off TTC that much longer, so we will aim for a due date after the wedding so he’ll be back in time for delivery, but he’ll most likely go with just his friends, because hopefully by the time the wedding happens, I’ll be too pregnant to travel.
Post # 4
Honestly? We wanted kids so we had one. We don’t have a house, not much savings, and we’ve only travelled once but now we get to do all that we want to do with our daughter, which honestly I’d rather spend my life waiting to travel and saving up so that I can show her new places.
We can always buy a house later, our apartment is perfect for the three of us right now.
Personally, I don’t think it’s worth waiting.
Post # 5
ladyvk : I tend to agree. There is never a “perfect” time to have kids. There will always be a rationale for waiting. I think its generally good to be financially, career, and relationship stable but aside from that you’ll make it work.
I had my son at 18 and I DONT recommend that at all… but I still got to college, built a career, bought a house, and now married. It wasnt ideal but life goes on.
I would say work out a compromise. What are the critical non-negotiable things that you want to do first and what can you flex on.
For my Darling Husband and I it was important that we were married first and that I could drink on our honeymoon 🙂 We also wanted me to be within a year of finishing my degree (I am). So we took birth control out after the honeymoon and a month later we are pregnant. It would be nice to wait another year to be 100% done with school but we decided it wasnt that big of a trade off and to just go for it.
Post # 6
anon201800 : Initially, FH and I were on the fence about having kids and planned to wait at least a year after we’re married so we can spend some time traveling.. And for a while we were even considering going CFBC.. Maybe it’s just everyone around us having babies or maybe it’s that we are in a good position to have a kid or maybe it’s boh of those things but we all of a sudden cannot wait to have a kid and we’re now eagerly waiting for the wedding so we can start TTC and we wish we could do it sooner but we have to wait (for numerous reasons).
We just turned 30 but I already worry about it being too late because of the articles about egg quality and fertility declining with age as well as increased risk of miscarriages. We could still potentially wait a year and try but in case it takes us a long time to conceive and have a successful pregnancy and delivery, we would regret waiting all those months to try so we decided to go for it.
What was helpful for us was to do a pros and cons list, weigh all our options, and look at best case worst case scenarios. We’re financially stable and own our house.
Post # 7
This is not an area with much wiggle room as this is a life long consequence/commitment. You can ask him to reevaluate. You can work together to try to compromise. But, if he is not ready that is okay. It would be okay if he was ready and you are not. The only thing you can do is keep open communication and hope that neither of you get tot he point where an ultimatum is given.
Post # 8
I’ve had baby fever for the better part of like, a decade, so I empathize. We don’t really have a timeline at all (basically, it’s off the table completely until at least next year, but also we are old and can’t wait like five years), but I hope it settles down soon. I need a friend to have one so that I can get my fill!
Post # 9
We were going to wait a few years and build up savings too by banking my salary before I quit my job to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. However, life decided things for us when I had to unexpectedly quit my job just a month or two after making that decision and it made sense to go ahead and have a kid since I was home anyway. Things would have been easier with that extra money though and I’m not sure it would have hurt us to have kids a few years down the line.
Post # 10
throughthelookingglass87 : I guess that is that is what the OH is thinking. He is saying having kids is a life long decision and he wants to accomplish what we said we would before taking that step.
mrsptobe2017 : Well he does know me best, sometimes better then I know myself. It is true that a lot of our friends are having kids and I have been feeling a little left out because they spend a lot more time with each other with kids play dates, birthdays etc then we do with them.
Post # 11
anon201800 : Those “left out” feelings matter though. I had kids way before my social group so I missed those mommy bonding and support relationships that get built when youre all in the general same phase of life. Dont discount the value of that.
Post # 12
I generally disagree with the sentiment that since there is no a “perfect” time you might as well push your timeline up: yes there isn’t a “perfect” time but there are better and worse times. Whether it is a trivial pleasure like sleeping in on weekends or preparing for your retirement, we often underestimate how important having flexibility (time or financial) is until it is gone. Millions of people DO make it work with very little, but if you can afford to better prepare yourself emotionally, financially, physically etc, why wouldn’t you? Also, parenting is a massive exercise in partnership and both spouses should be fully onboard; having to coerce your partner sounds like an invitation for resentment.
While you are having discussions about this, maybe you can start doing some of the groundwork. Are you in good shape? If not, start an exercise routine and ensure you are eating healthy – maybe get into meal prepping so that you get into the habit of making family meals. Find out how much childcare in your area will cost and start setting aside this monthly amount from your combined salaries. On a similar note, start putting away money for a 529 plan (or the equivalent education fund in your country) – you can’t create one until the baby is born but you can get into the habit of setting aside that money. Find out how much time you get off for parental leave and see if you need to start saving vacation time to top it off.
In the opposite direction, make a list of things you that will be difficult to do with a baby and make concrete plans to get through your list. Adventurous vacations, time-consuming hobbies, new skills you want to learn – there are a bunch of ways to use your time (and empty your pocket!).
Post # 13
mel2 : I agree with you. I have had these friends for last 15 years since before college. I consider them family. right now they have little kids and we are not part of their immediate social circle because of that. Come 5 years when/if we have kids, by then their kids will be older and they will be able to go out more and be more social but then we will home bound with the LO.
While I understand that yes I should not take social factors into account when making life decisions but I can’t help it. On the other hand he does not want to give up something we planned for years because of this and I understand that as well.
I just know I will be really sad if I am unable to have kids in future because of age or if there is some issues with them.
Post # 14
livster : there really are a lot of things that I can be doing and fitness is def one of them
Post # 15
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I think a lot of Bees have really good points here.
what exactly is it that your husband wants to improve before children? Finances, careers, buying a home? Because a lot of those things can be improved and take time but it depends where you’re starting from.
I think it’s super important to have money saved before children but you don’t need anything crazy. It’s important to have some idea of money, who’s working, how you would afford child care, etc. For all you know right now you might already be in a place that you have good jobs and could still afford daycare. And homes are nice but there’s no rule you need to buy a home before having kids.
We recently found out we’re pregnant and I will say it’s a really great feeling to have all of our ducks in a row. I know we’re good financially and just saving as much as we can. We could have had a baby maybe a year ago and been fine but it does feel great to have little doubts.