- 4 years ago
I’m a first time poster and have been lurking the forums for a little bit. I see a lot of bees giving great advice to other bees in need so I thought I’d give it a shot, because I could use any little bit of help I can get atm!
I’m 31, originally from Texas but moved to another state and SO is also a transplant from Texas. We met through friends and hit it off right away due to shared Texan roots, but there were some things in the beginning that made me feel hesitant such as the fact that he liked going out to bars all the time.
In three years we’ve been together he has toned it down a ton and barely goes out anymore and he’s fine with it, but he still likes to take a drink or two at home. He usually has one or two beers or wine on the weekdays and drinks several drinks on the weekends. We have fought about this before as I’m not a big drinker and I feel that his drinking is excessive. He is stubborn and insists that there is nothing wrong with winding down with a drink or two and constantly minimizing his drinking, but I’m starting to wonder if he has an alcohol problem. He can’t seem to just quit drinking altogether, even when it’s caused problems in our relationship. I’m worried this will only get worse after we get married.
The second issue is finances. He has a hard time saving money, even though he has a good job that pays a decent salary. He doesn’t buy things for himself but he likes to eat out a lot, buy drinks, and he pays a lot of bills. He acknowledges he is poor at managing his money but is open to me helping him with his finances when we get married. He has said he will put together a spreadsheet with his budget (at my insistence) and give it to me this week. We have fought several times about the money issue as well (I recently found out he has about $8,000 in credit card debt…. a NO-NO for me)…but I don’t think he realizes how serious money issues can and will be in marriage. He seems nonchalant about the debt, which is crazy to me.
The last thing is porn use. I know a lot of bees think boys will be boys and it’s not a major deal, but it is to me. I equate porn on some level with cheating, and we’ve talked about it at least 3 or 4 times, and each time he promised not to watch it again. Well I just found out last night that he still looks at naughty pictures of girls, which he said were not “porn videos” but still acknowledged was wrong. The thing is, he showed real remorse the first couple times but yesterday he seemed almost detached while he was apologizing and somewhat defensive (turning it around on me promises I’ve broken on him), and his “promises” to stop sound so hollow to me now. TBH it is breaking my heart. Most of all that he doesn’t seem to care how much it hurts me, or if he does, he doesn’t care enough to really get help or stop it.
I know he was planning on proposing near the end of this month, but with all of the above, I am truly going to have a hard time saying yes and feeling happy about it. I am in the worst limbo of my life, and I obsessively think about the pros and cons of marrying him. Overall I feel like this is NOT a good way to enter a marriage and I have all these negative thoughts about my future with him- lack of maturity, security, lack of transparency, potential alcohol problems, and so on.
He is a kind, caring and loving man otherwise and very loyal to me. I am happy with him besides these major problems, but they are big enough that thinking about it is causing me to feel very stressed and depressed. I am scared of starting over at 31 and it seems to be harder and harder to meet good single men lately, and that is also a big consideration for me. But I dont’ want to get married and potentially divorced.
ALSO i have not been the best SO either. When we fight I have said many harsh and nasty things to him to hurt him and this has made it worse when it comes to open disclosure, etc. and he has said his drinking and porn use is somewhat linked to depression due to our fights
Bees, is my gut feeling right and are these big issues that should be dealbreakers? I can’t seem to think clearly anymore. I want to get married but it seems so far in light of all of this. Any and all advice is appreciated.