Post # 1
Hi bees! I need some help on some wedding etiquette! Newly engaged (wedding in August 2015) and I only asked my bridesmaids about a month ago to be bridesmaids (and we haven’t been shopping for anything yet, and it’s not widely known who they are)- I’m having 5, one of which is my older sister. My sister and I have never gotten along and she has a very volatile personality and temperment- the only reason why I asked her in the first place was because my parents made me. I’ve always been nervous about having 5 bridesmaids because it’s so many but my 4 friends that I’m having I desperately wanted because they’re all so supportive and fantastic friends, so I had to have 5 to include my sister, and there’s another friend I would have much rathered have as the 5th than her.
I’ve been stressing ever since I asked her because every detail of the wedding I’ve suggested she’s had a go at me about. The colours (she doesn’t like navy), the cost (even though I’m paying for most things and keeping it quite cheap), the date (as soon as I announced the date she announced that she wanted to go on an overseas trip in August and was planning on leaving the day after the wedding, so I would ‘have to understand that she would be packing in the leadup so wouldn’t be able to help with anything wedding-related’), everything. She’s very attention seeking/drama queen, and she has unfortunately had 2 failed engagements (which she tells everyone that she meets) and is miserable at every wedding she attends, so she is likely to cause me horrendous stress and bring me down on the day. She’s my older sister and is furious that I’m getting married before her.
So anyway, the other day my sister and my mum have had a huge blowup and she is now not speaking not only to mum but our entire family, including me. She has done this before about a year ago and completely cut herself off from the family for about 8 months, over nothing, it was ridiculous. This time she says she means it for good (and I believe her because I know exactly what she’s like), she says she has no interest in coming to our engagement party next month or the wedding. She’s told me that she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore, and doesn’t want to have anything to do with the wedding.
So my question is- is it ok to replace her at this early stage? I really really hate uneven numbers and my fiance has already asked his brother and 4 mates, so we would never ‘unask’ one of the boys. I have a friend who I’ve been friends with for ages and has been extremely excited and supportive of our wedding; the only reason why she didn’t make the cut the first time was because I just had to choose someone to not be there so my sister could be (I couldn’t deal with 6!!). I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want this to come across as I’m only asking her to make up numbers, I genuinely want her with me on my day (and would have had her in the first place), my fiance loves her too and is supportive of replacing my sis with her, but I’m just not sure if this is something that is generally acceptable! I guess I hope that with 10 months to go and no dresses/shopping etc yet, that she won’t feel excluded because there’s literally been nothing happening on the bridesmaid front yet.
What do you think?
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I think you’re fine to ask her, particularly as you would rather have had her all along.
Post # 3
- Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon
nursekato87: she told you she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid. Replace her and thank your stars she didn’t throw this fit right before the wedding.
If she wants back in, tell her that you assumed she was serious and you have asked someone else.
Post # 4
nursekato87: Honestly, I’d give it some time. August 2015 is awhile away. Your sister may end up just blowing off steam. I think you would only worsen your relationship with her if she finds out she has been replaced.
Also, I know you mentioned not liking it, but there is nothing wrong with uneven numbers. In the grand scheme of all the things that happen on a wedding date, I really doubt you’ll notice. It sounds like you already picked to fit a certian number, anyway. In reality, you should choose your nearest and dearest from the get go, so that there are no hard feelings about having to ask someone later and making them feel like they are filling in someone elses shoes.
I’d stick with what you’ve got and see if your sister comes around.
Maybe ask this other very good friend to be a reader at your ceremony? That way, she can be recognized as an important person on your big day, and attend the rehearsal with all of your other close friends.
Post # 5
Yes, replace her, and don’t ever let her back into the bridal party no matter what happens with your other bridesmaids.
Your sister is volatile, and it makes absolutely no sense to have a volatile, unreliable person in a wedding — an event where time is of the essence and a person not doing their job, no matter how simple it is, can cause lots of problems and bad memories.
If your parents try to get her back in, say no. They know how volatile and difficult she is, so all you need to do is say, “Nope, it’s not happening”, and end the discussion. Put your foot down, and keep it down. It’s much better for everyone, even your parents, for your sister to not be in the wedding.
Post # 6
I would wait until you actually go and buy bridesmaid dresses.
Post # 7
I’d replace her. But I’d be totally honest with the new bridesmaid with why you didn’t at first and now are.
Post # 8
If she’s already this much of a problem, it’s safer to assume that she will at least equally this difficult come wedding crunch time. Ain’t nobody got time for that. If she decides to change her mind, too bad so sad. The only worry would be that she’d run her mouth that you kicked her out or something, but it sounds like most people would know what’s up.
Ask your friend. You wanted to since the beginning. Just be honest. And if it would make you feel better, ask her in a special way, like one of those creative gift boxes to ask.
Post # 9
Ask the other girl and do it now!!!! This is protection for you. Protect yourself from having her do this to you again; there’s plenty of time where your sister could make up with the family and inevitably fight with them again. TRUST your gut. This could be your only chance! Run! lol…. Also, because you haven’t done the bridesmaid stuff yet your friend will probably not feel like an afterthought, you know what I mean?
Post # 10
As soon as you said, “She doesn’t like navy” I knew she had to go! Who doesn’t like navy? Seriously, listen to what PPs have said, your wedding is not the time to invite extra stress into your life. Of course if your sister changes her mind she should attend the wedding, but to have someone who might be responsible for planning and is there to make your day special and easier, you need to consider whether your sister would do that, or whether this friend would do that better!
Post # 11
you have plenty of time, replace her with your actual friend. If your sis comes back around, and tries acting enthusiastic, te her if she wants she can give out programs, do a reading, etc so she can feel the “entitled included” she needs to feel, without it being too much of a stress