Post # 46
“There are no atheists in foxholes”.
There are many people here who identify themselves as atheists. As with any other group, at least in part, behavior defines the reaction of others who identify themselves in this way.
Some have been hurt by religious experiences, others have a philosophical reason for believing as they do, there are probably some who consider their identity as atheists to be modern and attractive, some (I hope not many) think their lives can be lived without boredom if they avoid ritual. I’m sure there are other reasons as well.
If they are kind, generous, thoughtful people, their identity may surprise those who learn of it. If they are aggressive, hostile and/or insulting to the beliefs of others or just in general, they may be considered by others in a different light.
As an old woman, I find the militant style of atheism an enigma, because through life, one encounters situations that cannot be regarded, understood or explained as pure coincidence. I feel this way about many, maybe most, formal religions as well.
Here, there will be sadness and regret on both sides. People who are old may not like to be reminded to think before they act and speak. People who are young may assume that they are inevitably right and in no need of considering another perspective. Sad.
Post # 47
Well, I also struggled with something similar when my husband and I were getting married. I am agnostic and he’s a very loose Lutheran (meaning, doesn’t go to church regularly- and has a lot of issues with religion and it isn’t something that has a presence in his life). Well his family is Lutheran and mine were Catholics but are now mostly agnostic as well. It was really important to his family to have their former pastor/friend officiate our wedding and because this was someone that knew my husband since he was born as well as his family, I agreed to allow him to officiate our wedding. It made our families happy and it was my way of respecting their beliefs on an important day where our families would be coming together. Since my family and I do not have any beliefs, we didn’t see anything wrong with making his family happy. I would do it again in a second. It didn’t take away from my day in any way to make sure that they knew I respected them. I met with the pastor and he was a wonderful speaker and really funny and he really respected the things I told him when we met throughout our engagement. There was mention of god but it was not an overly religious ceremony.
I think everyone jumping down the posters throat about venting need to calm down. She is telling us how SHE feels about the situation- it doesn’t mean that this is what she is doing or saying to his grandmother’s face.
I would really consider finding a way that you can incorporate his family somehow that would make them happy and let them know that they are respected because ultimately, you will be marrying into the family and the last thing you want to do is alienate your families or disrespect them. I would try to explain the situation without snark and possibly even apologize to the grandmother if her feelings were hurt and let her know how important it is to the two of you that she is there celebrating with you both at your wedding.
Post # 48
OP, you’re totally allowed to come here and vent, but a vent on a message board is asking for replies; it doesn’t mean they’re going to be automatic “here, here!”s
I’m apatheist/atheist, and I want a secular wedding for reasons independent of faith. Mine won’t be about “NOT GOD,” it’ll be about moral goodness and love, the elements that hold me to my SO. Those are our values. Good for you for going through with a secular wedding because it is what you want. If grandma doesn’t want to attend because it upsets her values, she is just sticking to what she believes, as you are. It doesn’t make her psycho, but it might make her absent. You aren’t willing to change your beliefs for this day. She doesn’t have to, either.
Post # 49
You certainly have the right to have the ceremony you want, but you do not have the right to be angry with those who don’t agree with you. Grandma has the right to decline coming if it will hurt her conscience. Sorry your way is not the only “right” way. You can do what you want but you cannot expect others to agree with it.
Post # 50
OP, I generally agree that you are entitled to have whatever wedding you see fit, but I think you are being a little sensitive about people who disagree with you on here. Echoing some other bees, just because you are invited to vent does not mean you aren’t going to receive any critical feedback. Bees don’t always agree, and most of the bees who disagreed with you were respectful in their criticism. Moreover, not all people who have secular weddings are atheists, so the fact that this is a secular board does not mean having respect for religion goes out the window for all of us. And finally, even if we were all atheists, it would still be pretty unacceptable to sit around mocking other religious beliefs.
If you let organized religion make you angry and resentful towards everyone in that group, then you haven’t really gained anything from leaving it. I know it is hard to be an atheist in a world where people consider it a dirty word and don’t take you seriously, but getting angry and defensive about it makes you feel worse, not better. I don’t generally talk to people about my religious beliefs because I find it makes me unhappy. I’m not ashamed. I just don’t need anyone to validate my beliefs, and I don’t really care what other people believe. Only my Fiance and a few of my closest friends have any idea what I think about religion, and I’m going to keep it that way. Choose happiness. Forget about FI’s grandmother, forget about people who disagree with you, and move forward. You know you are doing the right thing.
Post # 51
I peeked at the secular board because I wanted a little bit of support with the stresses I am also experiencing… I will get little support here. OP, I know this is from a while ago, but I feel for you. I understand how hurt you felt and I understand what a shame it is that religions have somehow claimed marriage as their own. Human pairings have been occurring long before somebody wrote the Bible…
Post # 52
Yay thread necromancing! It says the OP had their wedding in June of this month… I bet she is good on advice.
Post # 53
Oh well, if we are wagering, I bet she’ll need advice again sometime.
Post # 54
This kind of treatment (the people yelling at you for venting) is why I’ve quit posting on the boards.
Post # 55
I do not think you are wrong to vent! I would be pissed too. However I wouldn’t want someone with her negative attitude/opinion of my wedding in attendance. So I would be glad she wouldn’t attend. You do not need negitivty on your wedding day. Move on and see what happens
Post # 56
Op, I can totality understand . my grandma said the same thing to me My marriage is a sin, it will not count since it won’t be in a church. My father finally to had to tell her that weddings are not like that anymore and it is my wedding, not hers.
She still pouts and says she will not consider my marriage a marriage. Whelp, she isn’t getting a Catholic wedding because that’s not my Fi and I want. She is welcome to come or not. It is her choice .
Also yes I can understand your hurt, but grandma needs to understand this isn’t HER wedding. This is YOUR wedding,