(Closed) Crazy MIL…please help

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That’s a really tough situation.  First of all, the most important thing to do is to make sure your fiance doesn’t feel like he’s being torn in two but that he understands your side of things.  If he is supportive of you, things will be a lot easier.

There were several HUGE lines that your Future Mother-In-Law crossed.  She brought up your best friend who is in a bad situation that is painful to you.  It was horribly insensitive.  She violated your space; she may own the house, but you’re paying rent and you need your own space.

Living there is probably not a good situation.  People who live in close quarters are almost bound to rub eachother the wrong way in a stressful situation, and wedding planning is stressful.  Perhaps seriously discuss moving to a different place, before you talk to his parents…that way if they insist that they have the right to go into your apartment, you and your fiance can calmly say that’s not acceptable and you’re going to move out.

I think you need to calmly prepare what you want to say beforehand.  You can look at your fiance or his dad if you can’t look at her.  Ask before the meeting that if yelling starts, someoen who isn’t yelling or being yelled at can declare a three minute break for all parties to go cool off.  Talk over what your problems were with your fiance but make it clear that you want to discuss it with his mother and father, not that he should discuss it with them.  That way if you forget something, he can remind you.  You guys are partners and it is in his best interest to help you stay calm but to also address the problems that you are having with his mother.

Good luck, I know this is an incredibly difficult situation.

Post # 4
9895 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, I’m sorry she acted like thatto you.  Like PP said, she definitely crossed some lines.  I’m glad there’s at least a plan to address it.  Just be calm, maybe talk to your Fiance beforehand about what you guys agreed to and that he needs to back you up and present a “unified front” (for lack of a better term) when talking to her.

As a side note, having Catholic attributes in a ceremony that isn’t in a church is actually tough.  Yes, you could do Biblical readings, but there are three things that make up a Catholic Wedding:

  1. In a Church
  2. By a Priest
  3. During a Mass.

So, incorporating any of those into your ceremony is basically impossible.  There are definitely ways to honor the faith (Prayer of the Faithful, sign of peace, Biblical readings), but that’s basically it.  I doubt people won’t come to your wedding just because it’s not in a church, and that’s her way of trying to manipulate the situation.  Whatever happens, its your wedding, so do whatever you and your Fiance want!

Post # 6
1395 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like she’s always gotten her way by throwing juvenile tantrums.  So, my advice is to NOT cave to her.  Do everything you and your Fiance want and ignore her.  There is nothing she can do about it.  It’s your wedding.  Please do not let her win. 

Post # 7
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh man she crossed ANOTHER line there.  She has no concept of boundaries and it was not her place to call your mother.  But, ultimately, your mom may need to say to her, “This is none of my business.  This is between you and my daughter, who is a grown adult.”

I know this may be difficult, but I think it’ll be a really bad situation if you and your Fiance stay in that house.  How does he feel about this?  Is he on your side and ready to be a united front with you (borrowing the phrase from abbie017 because she put it perfectly)?

Post # 9
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would suggest trying to distance yourself from her.  Move out if possible. 

You cannot control other peoples actions but you can control your reaction to them (my mother is mentally ill and refuses to get help so I have some experience in this area)

Post # 10
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m really sorry about all this.  What an awful situation!


Move out.  Even if you’re paying rent, arrangements like this ALWAYS have strings attached.  This is how your life’s going to be if you stay.  Unfortunately, she’s got issues and isn’t a person you’ll ever be able to reason with.  If your FI’s opposed, too bad.

Post # 11
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow! What a truely awful situation! I wish you the best of luck during your family meeting. 

I think it’s important, like PP said, that you and your FH are united. If he starts backing down to his mom, you’ll never get anywhere. Also, if you truely believe she’s bipolar, make sure to stay as calm as possible. She’s not going to be swayed by logic and reason. 

I suggested to another bee who’s dealing with a similar situation (not the crazy, just the very Catholic future in-laws) that you might consider getting married in the Catholic church before/after your real wedding, to make everyone happy. I know it’s not about making anyone but yourselves happy, but sometimes a little compromise can really help in keeping the peace.

Post # 13
12 posts
  • Wedding: March 2011

Ugh…..big hug to you! I am so sorry you are going through this drama. Planning a weddnig is tough enough!!! 

1. You have to move as quickly as possible so concentrate on that. Hopefully this will make you feel like you are moving in the right direction. 

2. Remember that your future MIL’s lack of boundaries will be there after you get married so it is probably wise to sit down with your groom and discuss the rules so you two know how to manage these types of things later in your marriage. You both want to have the same solid repsonse and boundaries set for his mother now and after your marraige. 

3. I get her going crazy about the wedding not being in a Catholic church only because my in-laws are italian (meaning they still all live in Italy) and the thought of having a wedding outside a Roman Catholic church doesn’t even exist for them. Even if his parents aren’t practicing Catholics it is one of the easy thigns for them to follow about their faith “you can only get married inside a catholic church” because it is considered one of the sacraments and it is the only sacrament you can give to eachother without a priest even 🙂 It is actually sort of sweet once I learned more about it. The mass is another big deal for the wedding (although many catholics don’t have a full Mass anymore). This may seem crazy to you and extreme, I was raised baptist, but it is a very traditiional belief and one that is easy for your in-laws to fight you on and believe they are 100% right. 

4. His family sounds a bit confrontational in general, really think about what you guys are doing. You don’t want this to be your life all the time once you get married. Make sure you and your fiance are both on board with that. 

5. Stand your ground no matter what. You have to show your future in-laws where your limit is and you have to set a good example for you and your groom on how you two are going to behave. This is going to be your life with him and you two are going to need to see eye to eye on these types of things otherwise you are setting yourself up for a constant struggle. 

Hope it works out! Please let us know how you are doing. Planning a wedding is hard but I have a feeling you are having some extra issues than would be expect. Hang in there, YOU ARE NOT WRONG HERE :)))

Post # 14
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have no advice, because if this was my Future Mother-In-Law, I would run far, far away and never look back!!

Post # 15
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Can you stay with your mother while you look for a place to live?  Because it sounds like you need to get out asap!

I’m sorry things went badly at the talk, and I’m glad your Fiance is still on board with you.

I don’t know if this would be good or bad, it depends on the family situation, but if they call your mother again, she might want to say something along the lines of, “You realize you’re driving BOTH of them away by behaving this way, right?  Not just my daughter but your son too?”  Because they are and it’s really sad.  I really hope things get better, but if I were you I would get out NOW.  Stay with friends, stay with other family, just get out.  If Future Father-In-Law encouraged her to go at you with a knife, you can’t stay in that house while she has access to you.  You gave them a chance to be reasonable, but they’re only getting worse.

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