Post # 1
It would take me all day to try to explain everything but I’ll try to make it as short as possible. I have a crazy (literally I think she is bipolar) Mother-In-Law. A little back story is that his family does not have a lot of money. They recently moved to a house that is two apartments and one apartment in the back above the garage. My fiance and I live above the garage (mistake number one). My fiance said he would rather pay his parents rent money than someone else so I said ok. We have been there for a little over a year. His younger brother lives above his parents in the house. Pays no rent, has no job, and parties with his friends all the time.
We have had three arguments about the wedding so far. Arguments is saying it lightly. The last one was about the fact that we chose an outdoor ceremony site. His parents and family are catholic but do not go to church. They aren’t “practicing catholics”. My family is not catholic nor do they go to church so to me this was no problem. Boy was I wrong. I got my you know what chewed out. Getting married outside is probably the only wedding related thing I have ever dreamed about. We found a place that I could absolutely not be more happy about and he loved it just as much so we put a deposit on it. My fiance and I made the decision TOGETHER that this is what we wanted and what was best for us.
His mom freaked out when I told her. I have never in my life argued with someone the way she does. She immediately starts screaming and swearing. There is no way to make her stop either and she has this way of making my blood boil and I freak out too. That phone call ended horibbly. She called the next day and left me a voice mail saying that she was informed my my fiance that my feelings were hurt and she wants to know why my feelings were hurt so she can never do that again. Sounds nice right? If you could here the way she said it you would think differently. I knew I had to call her back or she would get mad because I didn’t and I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I called back the next day. It started out ok we were just talking about things but it started to escalate. I asked her why we can’t include parts of the catholic religion in our ceremony and she said we can. But she was still freaking out so I don’t know what she wants other than for us to get married in a church. She said a lot of mean and hurtful things. She told me people aren’t going to come to our wedding. And then she did probably the worst thing she could have and brought up a friend of mine. My cousin who I grew up spending every minute with and is my best friend has been struggling with a heroin addiction for the past few years. I want so bad for her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor but I can’t trust her with that. So as you can imagine this is something I have been struggling to accept. But anyway my Mother-In-Law said I’m not including her in the wedding planning. I have done VERY little planning so far. All that is done is the venues are picked and my dress is bought. Other than that I have been looking online for ideas. She said “Do you think your heroin addicted friend is going to help you?” I lost it and the phone call ended there. She came knocking on the door and I was not about to let her in. I was in the bedroom trying to get a hold of my mom. All of a sudden I hear her saying my name. She let her self in. Mind you both doors were locked. I walked in the living room and all I said was get out. Very few words were said and she left screaming. I’m sure that I didn’t say things in the best way I could throughout our argument but I don’t say the many hurtful things I know I could.
His dad texted him yesterday saying we all need to sit down and talk about this. Agreed but I’m terrified that she is going to start screaming at us. I hopefully can stay calm and just walk away if she starts yelling. I’m not going to have someone make me feel like I’m a bad person. I’m not going to have someone threaten me so that I do things their way. I’m afraid she is going to ruin the wedding. She already ruined who the best man is going to be. No matter who it is its ruined because of one of the previous fights. I can see all the fights that are coming and I have had enough.
I’m so frustrated. Thanks for reading. Sorry that it is long and it might not make sense. Any advice is very appreciated.
Post # 3
That’s a really tough situation. First of all, the most important thing to do is to make sure your fiance doesn’t feel like he’s being torn in two but that he understands your side of things. If he is supportive of you, things will be a lot easier.
There were several HUGE lines that your Future Mother-In-Law crossed. She brought up your best friend who is in a bad situation that is painful to you. It was horribly insensitive. She violated your space; she may own the house, but you’re paying rent and you need your own space.
Living there is probably not a good situation. People who live in close quarters are almost bound to rub eachother the wrong way in a stressful situation, and wedding planning is stressful. Perhaps seriously discuss moving to a different place, before you talk to his parents…that way if they insist that they have the right to go into your apartment, you and your fiance can calmly say that’s not acceptable and you’re going to move out.
I think you need to calmly prepare what you want to say beforehand. You can look at your fiance or his dad if you can’t look at her. Ask before the meeting that if yelling starts, someoen who isn’t yelling or being yelled at can declare a three minute break for all parties to go cool off. Talk over what your problems were with your fiance but make it clear that you want to discuss it with his mother and father, not that he should discuss it with them. That way if you forget something, he can remind you. You guys are partners and it is in his best interest to help you stay calm but to also address the problems that you are having with his mother.
Good luck, I know this is an incredibly difficult situation.
Post # 4
Wow, I’m sorry she acted like thatto you. Like PP said, she definitely crossed some lines. I’m glad there’s at least a plan to address it. Just be calm, maybe talk to your Fiance beforehand about what you guys agreed to and that he needs to back you up and present a “unified front” (for lack of a better term) when talking to her.
As a side note, having Catholic attributes in a ceremony that isn’t in a church is actually tough. Yes, you could do Biblical readings, but there are three things that make up a Catholic Wedding:
- In a Church
- By a Priest
- During a Mass.
So, incorporating any of those into your ceremony is basically impossible. There are definitely ways to honor the faith (Prayer of the Faithful, sign of peace, Biblical readings), but that’s basically it. I doubt people won’t come to your wedding just because it’s not in a church, and that’s her way of trying to manipulate the situation. Whatever happens, its your wedding, so do whatever you and your Fiance want!
Post # 5
The latest development is that she called my mom yesterday and left her a voicemail saying that she wants my mom to come to our “meeting”. She said my mom didn’t have to call her back she could just tell me if she was going to come. I don’t know why my mom would need to be there. She has nothing to do with the argument. I told my mom I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to come and she doesn’t want to anyway. I am trying to avoid a fight between my mom and her. My mom texted me today and said she got screamed at by her. I don’t know if my mom called her back or if she called my mom again. I haven’t talked to my mom yet so I’ll have to wait and see what was said. We are supposed to get together tomorrow to talk and now I really don’t want to because I now know that she still wants to fight about it.
Post # 6
Sounds like she’s always gotten her way by throwing juvenile tantrums. So, my advice is to NOT cave to her. Do everything you and your Fiance want and ignore her. There is nothing she can do about it. It’s your wedding. Please do not let her win.
Post # 7
Oh man she crossed ANOTHER line there. She has no concept of boundaries and it was not her place to call your mother. But, ultimately, your mom may need to say to her, “This is none of my business. This is between you and my daughter, who is a grown adult.”
I know this may be difficult, but I think it’ll be a really bad situation if you and your Fiance stay in that house. How does he feel about this? Is he on your side and ready to be a united front with you (borrowing the phrase from abbie017 because she put it perfectly)?
Post # 8
So it turns out she called my mom again. She screamed at her the entire time because she is incapable of talkings. She said all kinds of bad things about me. My mom spared me because I’m sure they were mean things. She said she is not coming to the wedding unless its in a church and she isn’t paying a dime. That is fine with me. They aren’t paying for anything anyway. She told my mom that my fiance has told his dad and brother that he wants it in a church but he cares about me so hes doing what I want. This is an absolute lie. I of course asked him if this was true and he said absolutely not. Him and I are on the same page. We have talked about this non stop for the last three days. He said if his parents don’t want to come then thats sad but its not going to change things.
I feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack over this. AHHH. It is nice to vent on here though so thanks.
Post # 9
I would suggest trying to distance yourself from her. Move out if possible.
You cannot control other peoples actions but you can control your reaction to them (my mother is mentally ill and refuses to get help so I have some experience in this area)
Post # 10
I’m really sorry about all this. What an awful situation!
Move out. Even if you’re paying rent, arrangements like this ALWAYS have strings attached. This is how your life’s going to be if you stay. Unfortunately, she’s got issues and isn’t a person you’ll ever be able to reason with. If your FI’s opposed, too bad.
Post # 11
Wow! What a truely awful situation! I wish you the best of luck during your family meeting.
I think it’s important, like PP said, that you and your FH are united. If he starts backing down to his mom, you’ll never get anywhere. Also, if you truely believe she’s bipolar, make sure to stay as calm as possible. She’s not going to be swayed by logic and reason.
I suggested to another bee who’s dealing with a similar situation (not the crazy, just the very Catholic future in-laws) that you might consider getting married in the Catholic church before/after your real wedding, to make everyone happy. I know it’s not about making anyone but yourselves happy, but sometimes a little compromise can really help in keeping the peace.
Post # 12
This is still all going on two weeks later. We are looking for apartments. His parents are still beyond furious at us. We still can’t really figure out exactly why. They are not going to be happy until we do exactly what they want. I wanted to make moving out as gentle as possible by explaining that we felt this would be better for everyone and we would give them time to find a new tenant. Well that didn’t work out because they are now telling us to get out. Things keep getting progressively worse. My Fiance is very upset and his dad asked him to talk tonight. The talks never go well and its just them trying to tell him he is wrong and asking if he is sure this is what he wants. I wish we could move out right now because I don’t want to be here. I’m uncomfortable being here now and we are both stressed out. I hope that they understand what they are doing to their kids and that this is what they really wanted.
Post # 13
Ugh…..big hug to you! I am so sorry you are going through this drama. Planning a weddnig is tough enough!!!
1. You have to move as quickly as possible so concentrate on that. Hopefully this will make you feel like you are moving in the right direction.
2. Remember that your future MIL’s lack of boundaries will be there after you get married so it is probably wise to sit down with your groom and discuss the rules so you two know how to manage these types of things later in your marriage. You both want to have the same solid repsonse and boundaries set for his mother now and after your marraige.
3. I get her going crazy about the wedding not being in a Catholic church only because my in-laws are italian (meaning they still all live in Italy) and the thought of having a wedding outside a Roman Catholic church doesn’t even exist for them. Even if his parents aren’t practicing Catholics it is one of the easy thigns for them to follow about their faith “you can only get married inside a catholic church” because it is considered one of the sacraments and it is the only sacrament you can give to eachother without a priest even 🙂 It is actually sort of sweet once I learned more about it. The mass is another big deal for the wedding (although many catholics don’t have a full Mass anymore). This may seem crazy to you and extreme, I was raised baptist, but it is a very traditiional belief and one that is easy for your in-laws to fight you on and believe they are 100% right.
4. His family sounds a bit confrontational in general, really think about what you guys are doing. You don’t want this to be your life all the time once you get married. Make sure you and your fiance are both on board with that.
5. Stand your ground no matter what. You have to show your future in-laws where your limit is and you have to set a good example for you and your groom on how you two are going to behave. This is going to be your life with him and you two are going to need to see eye to eye on these types of things otherwise you are setting yourself up for a constant struggle.
Hope it works out! Please let us know how you are doing. Planning a wedding is hard but I have a feeling you are having some extra issues than would be expect. Hang in there, YOU ARE NOT WRONG HERE :)))
Post # 14
I have no advice, because if this was my Future Mother-In-Law, I would run far, far away and never look back!!
Post # 15
Can you stay with your mother while you look for a place to live? Because it sounds like you need to get out asap!
I’m sorry things went badly at the talk, and I’m glad your Fiance is still on board with you.
I don’t know if this would be good or bad, it depends on the family situation, but if they call your mother again, she might want to say something along the lines of, “You realize you’re driving BOTH of them away by behaving this way, right? Not just my daughter but your son too?” Because they are and it’s really sad. I really hope things get better, but if I were you I would get out NOW. Stay with friends, stay with other family, just get out. If Future Father-In-Law encouraged her to go at you with a knife, you can’t stay in that house while she has access to you. You gave them a chance to be reasonable, but they’re only getting worse.
Post # 16
So it has been a month since this whole fight started. Still not getting any better. We found an apartment but can’t move in until March 10. She called my grandma (my moms mom). WT#$%^!!!!! She blamed everything on me including that my Fiance never did his senoir recital in college. That was like 4-5 years ago. She told my grandma that she is a bad mother and so is my mom. Mother-In-Law said that she is my foster mother. HA. She acts like my mother threw me out and she took me in. So dead wrong. I moved in with my BOYFRIEND. I’m SSSSSSOOOOOOO mad if you can’t tell. They also don’t think we are moving out now because they said we don’t have to. We never changed our minds. My grandma said she wants us to get out of here now. She said we can come stay with her until our apartment is ready. We have the capability of moving out this weekend. Do you think we just just pack up and leave without saying anything? Obviously they will know when we are packing a uhaul. I’m fearful of with could happen if we tell them now we are leaving in a few weeks. She is capable of anything at this point.