(Closed) Crazy mom drama…need advice (long post)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2466 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Cancel your wedding – send out “due to unforeseen circumstances the wedding of vintageluna and Mr vintageluna will not be going ahead as planned.” Go with your fiancé and maybe a friend or two, get married at the courthouse. Your mom is manipulating you, but unfortunately when you agreed to let her pay for the wedding, you did open yourself up to that.  Don’t take any more of her money, and in five years time have a vow renewal and big party when you can afford to pay for it yourself.

Post # 3
Member
2883 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

That’s when you say, “I think you’re right. This obviously isn’t working out. Thank you for offering to pay for our wedding, but I didn’t realize that accepting your offer would lead to this much difficulty. We envisioned our wedding as a special day for us and it’s a shame that you are attempting to use it for a different purpose. We’ll handle things from here on out.” And then you postpone it, change the scope (i.e. courthouse/elope), borrow it from someone else, use a credit card or whatever else may need to be done. You’re adults starting a life together and you may as well get accustomed to standing up for your relationship and figuring out how to finance the things that you want.

Also, please stop sharing so much with your mother. You need to sit down with your fiance and determine the parameters of what details of your lives you can/should share with others. Your friends and family can be involved in the wedding and in your life without knowing details that don’t concern them. For example, there is absolutely no reason she (or anyone) needed to know who paid for your engagement ring. 

Post # 4
Member
7964 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
vintageluna :  You’re in a tough spot, Bee. I agree with PP that unless you can find some way to compromise with your mother you are stuck and have no choice but to cancel/postpone the wedding. Your mother is holding the purse strings and wants things done her way. It’s not a new story and not an easy lesson to learn that other people’s money almost always comes with strings. 

Post # 5
Member
6299 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You pay, you play.

I think at this point it’s obvious that your mom’s money comes with strings. You’ve basically got two options – continue foward and let your mom have it her way or scale back and host what you can afford. The tricky thing is that invites have been sent out….so that makes things difficult. If you are adament about not wanting to do it her way I guess the first thing I would do is see how much money is owed and find ways to make changes to get costs down. If that means changing the menu/caterer to something more affordable (like a simple pasta dish or BBQ) and going bare bones on decor….that migth be what you have to do.

As a last resort you can send out a note that you’ve cancelled the wedding – and just elope.

Post # 6
Member
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Whos name is on the contracts? If it’s hers, I would cancel. Cancel right now. Send out the notices asap. Overjoyed wording is perfect.

If its yours, I would scale back. Look at your caterers and get the most basic option. cancel anything that you owe more on than what youve paid (ie if you have a $500 deposit, $2500 remaining for a dj, cancel it, you’ll save more than youre losing).

But honestly, this is not worth it to me. You also need to stop sharing things with your mom, and look at putting up some boundaries. She

Post # 8
Member
2466 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

So get married at the courthouse, invite your Nana along and then take her out to lunch.  Your out of state relatives will get over it.

Post # 9
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
vintageluna :  What exactly are you wanting to hear? 

Your mum won’t behave, you can’t afford to do this yourself, but you don’t want to cancel. 

You have no other options. You either cancel/postpone/scale back on the wedding, or you give your mum a plan for how you’re going to stop being a psycho and continue letting her rule your wedding day. 

Save yourself future stress and heartbreak. Why not get married at the courthouse and anyone who wants to meet you for a drink afterwards is welcome? 

If you aren’t willing to change your plan the only option is to do precisely what your mum wants. 

I also agree with other bees who said you need to set boundaries. Your mum should never have known that you paid for her ring. You say she connected the dots but you must have confirmed her suspicions. A simple “he had already ordered it” or “he had savings” would have been enough, then shut the conversation down. 

I’m sorry you’re in this position bee. Don’t make it worse for yourself by letting your mum bully you. 

Post # 10
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You need to understand she’s manipulating you and making your wedding about her for some reason. You need to decide if the wedding is worth your sanity (spoiler alert: it’s not). 

Understand the money came with strings and now you’re playing by her rules. If you want to go ahead with the wedding you play by her rules, if you don’t feel like playing by her rules elope ahead of time with those you care about and send out a little notice card with the cancellations. 

Post # 11
Member
3848 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
vintageluna :  My suggestion is to postpone the wedding until you can afford it yourself.   Your guests will understand.  

Post # 12
Member
4775 posts
Honey bee

There is a lot of options between “go through with plans I can’t afford” and “elope at city hall”.  You can cancel what you have, greatly scale down and plan another small ceremony with your nana present and a handful of your absolute closest friends and family and then go out to lunch.  See if your photographer is available for another date and willing to switch so you can still have a photographer if you can afford it.

Money comes with strings.  It stinks that your mother bailed on paying, but you can’t change her – you can only control how you react.  Also, if your hours are about to be reduced and your Fiance is still unemployed since being laid off in October or only recently found work and you haven’t built up savings – prioritizing a ring (no matter how cheap) and a wedding with 100 guests may not be in your best interest right now, regardless.  So, you have probably four options:

1.  Cancel the wedding and reschedule when your job and financial situation is more stable.

2.  Cancel the wedding as it is currently planned (and asap so people can cancel travel plans), and get married with your nana and a handful of other people and go out to lunch on the budget you can afford. 

3.  Do what your mom asks since it appears that’s the condition she set for giving her money to you and keep on keeping on with your plans.

4.  Talk to your mom and hope she sees your side of things and is willing to change her mind, but prepare for her not to be agreeable and go back to 1-3.

 

Post # 14
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee

She’s pissed about the ring and does not want you to get married. She is therefore making a HUGE deal about shit that doesn’t matter. Talk to her and get to the root of the matter. Nothing will be resolved until you do.

Post # 15
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
vintageluna :  Also that is the second time you’ve used that phrase “make a decision that is best for me and my fiancé”… Your parents are very generously extending themselves physically and financially to make this happen for you – warts and all. You need to make decisions that are good for ALL PARTIES concerned. Even though you’re not getting along right now, their offer sprang from their love for you.

The topic ‘Crazy mom drama…need advice (long post)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors