Post # 1
Help my mom is telling me if I don’t admit to having a problem she will not continue to help with the wedding.
Ok now for a bit of information. I am 23 and my fiancé is 28. We got engaged at the end of October. Due to our financial situation we planned on doing a small wedding. I began to talk to my mom about the plans and get her advice. She told me not to worry about the money that she and my stepdad would be paying for it. Both my fiancé and I were overjoyed and beyond thankful. I told my mom the things I would be paying for and we formed a plan.
The first bump came in January when I decided to go ahead and purchase my engagement ring with my own money. My fiancé was laid off from his job the week after we decided to get married. The ring wasn’t something super important to me. I was just happy that I was getting married. I knew my fiancé felt bad that I didn’t have a ring yet so we talked about it and agreed I would go ahead and purchase a ring. My mom louldy voiced her opinion that I shouldn’t be getting married if my man can’t even buy me an engagement ring. I calmly explained the situation to her and then did what was best for me and my fiancé.
The next bump came when we were finalizing the decorations for the welcome area. She was adament that we use tree branches. I really didn’t want any tree branches because it didn’t go with the vision I had for my wedding. I tried to explain this to her. She then preceeded to call me a bridezilla and told me to get over myself. She also said she wasn’t made of money and that I needed to stop thinking that. I finally just agreed to the tree branches.
Next I was working on the invitations. One lady that we are planning on inviting has 2 children. We are having a late night wedding. So I choose not to put the kids names on the envelopes just like I had on a few others. My mom had no problem with me not putting the names of the kids on the envelope until this one lady. My mom was so mad. She said it made a very rude inconsiderate person. I asked why it was ok that I didn’t put the kids names on other envelopes but it was an issue for this one person. She refused to answer me.
I received a text last week from her telling me that contrary to my believe that this wasn’t my special day. I again tried to explain to her that I was the one getting married and that made it my special day. I told her I understand that she was paying for it and because of that I have taken everything she has said into consideration. Now the only texts I am receiving from her are that I am a snappy angry person and that I have emotional issues. She has told me if I don’t admit that I have a problem and give her a plan on how I plan to control myself she won’t help any more with the wedding.
I sent out all the invitations on Monday. The wedding is only 58 days away. There is no way that I can afford to finish this wedding on my own. I am so heartbroken and have no idea what to do. There is so much that has happened that I would need a book to explain everything. I just gave you guys some basic examples. I will take any advice or suggestions that you guys have.
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Cancel your wedding – send out “due to unforeseen circumstances the wedding of vintageluna and Mr vintageluna will not be going ahead as planned.” Go with your fiancé and maybe a friend or two, get married at the courthouse. Your mom is manipulating you, but unfortunately when you agreed to let her pay for the wedding, you did open yourself up to that. Don’t take any more of her money, and in five years time have a vow renewal and big party when you can afford to pay for it yourself.
Post # 3
That’s when you say, “I think you’re right. This obviously isn’t working out. Thank you for offering to pay for our wedding, but I didn’t realize that accepting your offer would lead to this much difficulty. We envisioned our wedding as a special day for us and it’s a shame that you are attempting to use it for a different purpose. We’ll handle things from here on out.” And then you postpone it, change the scope (i.e. courthouse/elope), borrow it from someone else, use a credit card or whatever else may need to be done. You’re adults starting a life together and you may as well get accustomed to standing up for your relationship and figuring out how to finance the things that you want.
Also, please stop sharing so much with your mother. You need to sit down with your fiance and determine the parameters of what details of your lives you can/should share with others. Your friends and family can be involved in the wedding and in your life without knowing details that don’t concern them. For example, there is absolutely no reason she (or anyone) needed to know who paid for your engagement ring.
Post # 4
You’re in a tough spot, Bee. I agree with PP that unless you can find some way to compromise with your mother you are stuck and have no choice but to cancel/postpone the wedding. Your mother is holding the purse strings and wants things done her way. It’s not a new story and not an easy lesson to learn that other people’s money almost always comes with strings.
Post # 5
You pay, you play.
I think at this point it’s obvious that your mom’s money comes with strings. You’ve basically got two options – continue foward and let your mom have it her way or scale back and host what you can afford. The tricky thing is that invites have been sent out….so that makes things difficult. If you are adament about not wanting to do it her way I guess the first thing I would do is see how much money is owed and find ways to make changes to get costs down. If that means changing the menu/caterer to something more affordable (like a simple pasta dish or BBQ) and going bare bones on decor….that migth be what you have to do.
As a last resort you can send out a note that you’ve cancelled the wedding – and just elope.
Post # 6
Whos name is on the contracts? If it’s hers, I would cancel. Cancel right now. Send out the notices asap. Overjoyed wording is perfect.
If its yours, I would scale back. Look at your caterers and get the most basic option. cancel anything that you owe more on than what youve paid (ie if you have a $500 deposit, $2500 remaining for a dj, cancel it, you’ll save more than youre losing).
But honestly, this is not worth it to me. You also need to stop sharing things with your mom, and look at putting up some boundaries. She
Post # 7
We don’t have any contracts really. We are doing everything ourselves from decorations to food. The only contract really is the photographer and I am paying for that myself. We are a complete DIY wedding. If we didn’t have to have food or have bunch of projects that needed to be finished I could easily tell my mom we no longer need her assistance. Yet we still very much need her. I have no one else to help me. My hours were just cut at work and I am just making enough to cover the bills and the wedding costs I agreeed to help with. Even if I could afford the food for everyone I don’t have the time to finish the projects the way my work schedule is. I have family from out of state that have already made arrangments to be there. This isn’t a small scale wedding. We have over 100 people that we have invited. I really don’t want to cancel the wedding. My Nana is in poor health and I am her only granddaughter. I want her to be able to share this day with me. All she has talked about since I got engaged was being there on my wedding day. She has Alzhimers and the fact she remembers I am getting married is remarkable. I want to get along with mom and share this day with her as well. I just don’t know what to say to her to smooth things over. Also I don’t share that much with her. I know it leads to trouble when I do. She knew about the ring because she figured it out. My fiancé didn’t have a job and all of a sudden I had a ring on my finger. She connected the dots. I know the smart thing would to be walk away but I desperately want to share this joy with my entire family.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
So get married at the courthouse, invite your Nana along and then take her out to lunch. Your out of state relatives will get over it.
Post # 9
What exactly are you wanting to hear?
Your mum won’t behave, you can’t afford to do this yourself, but you don’t want to cancel.
You have no other options. You either cancel/postpone/scale back on the wedding, or you give your mum a plan for how you’re going to stop being a psycho and continue letting her rule your wedding day.
Save yourself future stress and heartbreak. Why not get married at the courthouse and anyone who wants to meet you for a drink afterwards is welcome?
If you aren’t willing to change your plan the only option is to do precisely what your mum wants.
I also agree with other bees who said you need to set boundaries. Your mum should never have known that you paid for her ring. You say she connected the dots but you must have confirmed her suspicions. A simple “he had already ordered it” or “he had savings” would have been enough, then shut the conversation down.
I’m sorry you’re in this position bee. Don’t make it worse for yourself by letting your mum bully you.
Post # 10
You need to understand she’s manipulating you and making your wedding about her for some reason. You need to decide if the wedding is worth your sanity (spoiler alert: it’s not).
Understand the money came with strings and now you’re playing by her rules. If you want to go ahead with the wedding you play by her rules, if you don’t feel like playing by her rules elope ahead of time with those you care about and send out a little notice card with the cancellations.
Post # 11
My suggestion is to postpone the wedding until you can afford it yourself. Your guests will understand.
Post # 12
There is a lot of options between “go through with plans I can’t afford” and “elope at city hall”. You can cancel what you have, greatly scale down and plan another small ceremony with your nana present and a handful of your absolute closest friends and family and then go out to lunch. See if your photographer is available for another date and willing to switch so you can still have a photographer if you can afford it.
Money comes with strings. It stinks that your mother bailed on paying, but you can’t change her – you can only control how you react. Also, if your hours are about to be reduced and your Fiance is still unemployed since being laid off in October or only recently found work and you haven’t built up savings – prioritizing a ring (no matter how cheap) and a wedding with 100 guests may not be in your best interest right now, regardless. So, you have probably four options:
1. Cancel the wedding and reschedule when your job and financial situation is more stable.
2. Cancel the wedding as it is currently planned (and asap so people can cancel travel plans), and get married with your nana and a handful of other people and go out to lunch on the budget you can afford.
3. Do what your mom asks since it appears that’s the condition she set for giving her money to you and keep on keeping on with your plans.
4. Talk to your mom and hope she sees your side of things and is willing to change her mind, but prepare for her not to be agreeable and go back to 1-3.
Post # 13
Thank you all for your input. I guess I really have to think about this and make a decision that is best for me and my fiancé.
Post # 14
She’s pissed about the ring and does not want you to get married. She is therefore making a HUGE deal about shit that doesn’t matter. Talk to her and get to the root of the matter. Nothing will be resolved until you do.
Post # 15
Also that is the second time you’ve used that phrase “make a decision that is best for me and my fiancé”… Your parents are very generously extending themselves physically and financially to make this happen for you – warts and all. You need to make decisions that are good for ALL PARTIES concerned. Even though you’re not getting along right now, their offer sprang from their love for you.