(Closed) Crazy thoughts about my Ex (Extremely long) I can only come to the Bees for this

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

A logical, compatible life partner doesn’t sound like enough to make you really happy for the rest of your life – content, perhaps, but not really happy. LDR guy may not be the guy you marry, but current bf may not be either.

Post # 4
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Cut it off. TOTALLY. If you want to continue with your SO, you owe him that. LDR guy is in the past. How would you feel if your SO was doing the same? Would you have questions or worry?

I think it’s so easy to get caught up in “what-ifs” that we don’t realize what we have already. I think this is one of those cases. I know it’s hard, but you have to do it for the sake of your impending marriage.

Post # 6
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Well, I don’t know how valid I would consider those signs.  People can make connections to just about anything if they really want to, and most of your signs seem as though you are voluntarily coming up with the connections.  If you pick up a book whose author was brought into your reading list by a certain person, of course you are going to connect that author to the person who introduced you to them.  AI is full of obscure songs that are popular and mainstream JUST because people can identify with them in so many different ways, I wouldn’t rely on AI or ANYTHING you may hear on the radio as legit signs.  Before making any rash decisons, really think about what your current SO means to you.  Is he the man of your dreams, or is he Mr. Good Enough?  Since he already expressed that he is a bit bothered by your contact with this other guy, just imagine how hurt he would be that you actually are thinking these thoughts.  Good luck with this!

Post # 7
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I belive in signs but I also believe in tests. From what I read I don’t know if LDR guy is for you. I mean you guys have already tried this out right, more than once? It didn’t work.

You actually remind me of my Fiance. He was in LDR in highschool with a girl from NJ. He lived in PA (still do.) He had always dated the bad girl. People who would cheat on him, lie to him, etc. He always went back to her. When him and bad gfs would break up, he would go visit her. But then I came back (I have known Fiance since I was 10 and him 12. We use to be neighbors) He told me about ex LDR girl, and how he thought she might be what he wanted, even though there were some things she did to him also, but not as bad as bad girls. He told me he was glad I  came back into his life, because he said if he would of married LDR girl he would probably of ended up getting a divorce. He told me I am what he needs. I keep him calm, and grounded, and etc.

It’s easy to get caught up in old relationships. They were exciting when you were in them, possibly. Maybe there isn’t any closure. Maybe the both of you got a long great, but you have to do what your heart tells you. If your heart is telling you to go after LDR guy, then do it, but you also need to let your current bf know what is going on.

Maybe you’re not ready for a commitement. That might be the sign too. Maybe you’re not ready to get married, or settle down. I don’t know, I’m just saying, just because you heard 2 songs that reminded of your ex LDR bf doesn’t mean you should be with him or dump your current bf. I mean I hear songs all the time that remind me of ex bfs, but I know I love my Fiance and want to be with him for the rest of my life, so I’m not going to leave him and go back to an ex.

Signs can be misleading, if you aren’t careful.

Just don’t so something that you’re going to beat yourself up over in 5-10 years.


Good luck.

Post # 9
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I have to agree with LaborOfLove. Sometimes the person we end up with is not the person we ever thought or imagined ourselves to be with, and many times, that is a VERY good thing. I think deep down you know that because of what you said here:

Although there are things I do miss about him, I can see that we would not work out because of certain qualities he has.”

It’s important to REALLY focus on those qualities that you know in your heart would keep you from (and probably DID keep you from) getting too serious with LDR guy. Just because you have an emotional connection with someone, or have a great physical chemistry with them, it doesn’t mean that you would be happily ever after or emotionally secure with them. They make for good memories, but not necessarily good relationships.

It sounds like you love your Fiance, but you totally do need to cut your ties to LDR guy. 

I also want to comment on this particular statement you made in regards to your Fiance: 

We do not have the emotional intensity that LDR guy and I had, but that is something I am okay with. Like, LDR guy and I are very emotionally similar – on the same “deep level”.  Boyfriend or Best Friend “gets” my emotional intensity but is not “like that“.”

It is probably a good thing that your current relationship is nothing like the former one. I’ve learned that it’s not necessarily good for both people to be on the same emotional level. For instance, I am an extremely emotional person, always have been, and many years ago I had a bf who was also overly-emotional. Let’s just say that when we had an argument, lots of stuff got broken LOL.

Fast forward years later, and I am with my husband (who when I first met, did not see me ever married to him!), who is a much better match for me, partly because we are emotional opposites. He is the “logical” one out of the two of us, and helps me to handle things better when I’m upset. I am so thankful for him. He is kind, caring, TRULY loves me, has a heart of gold, doesn’t break things or throw fits, is trustworthy and all the other things I missed out on for so long.

Anyways, just wanted to jump in, give some advice and tell ya to move forward with your life with your Fiance, who sounds like a sincere person and leave LDR guy in the past. It’s not worth your (almost) marriage!

Oh, and as far as “signs” go. You will find that they usually aren’t signs at all, just little coincidences that can be shaped by our minds into much bigger things, depending on our emotional state at the time. Best of luck!

Post # 11
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Soooo ironic and well timed this post happened.  I was having this yesterday, myself.  I absolutely love love love my boyfriend.  I want to marry him.  I want to be his wife and make him smile and everything under the sun.

But I don’t have the crazy intensity I had with my ex, and I never will.  I still love him, I will always love him in some way.  It is like the love you would feel for your own child.  Steady, intense, happy.

But because I love him, I know I have to step away.  He and I are no longer close though we have the occassional contact.  I am happy for his life and he is happy for mine and the changes that are coming.  Honestly, it wouldn’t work for us either.  There would be too many issues.  He doesn’t have many of the same qualities my boyfriend has, and I think after the shock of leaving him I would never forgive myself for losing the person I was supposed to be with.


I don’t have anything to really say about your situation, but talk about signs – this was it for me.

Post # 12
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I’m also an intensely emotional person, whereas Fiance is the one who keeps me grounded. I think you have to get to a point where that is what you want – a point where you’re tired of the emotional roller coasters and prefer something more calm and lasting. It definitely took me time to get to that point with Fiance. But if you’re there and you truly want to marry him and have a stable, adult relationship, then, by definition, you no longer want the relationship you could have had with LDR-guy. Twinges of “what if” are natural – I didn’t have an ex like yours, but I still think sometimes of the lifestyle I could have had if I wasn’t getting married and see “signs” that remind me of that lifestyle.

Post # 13
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I; Like you; was in a way “seperated” from my first Love. It wasn’t by distance however; it was by my parents. He was a “bad boy” and was much to advanced for what my parents wanted for me at 14-15 years old. Basically things went too far and my parents found out. They made us split up. We were (in our eyes) madly in love. We were torn to pieces by this; but there was nothing we could do. My parents knew what was best for me; & they knew it wasn’t him. We were both very emotional people and we had the deepest love I’d ever felt. He however had a bad temper; did drugs and was brought up in a very bad household. When I look back now I think he was filling his Love void with me that he didn’t get at home. It was a very intense relationship that was ended with alot of rebelion and emotions. I’m now 23 years old. I’ve been in only 2 different serious relationships since my first love. One broke my heart and the 2nd I’m engaged to be married to next year. I of course think of my first love occasionally & think “what if”. You always will. There are times I wish that we were still connected as friends; however I know that being friends wouldn’t work. When there is history with someone it’s too hard to just be friends. Of course when we see each other we say hello and ask how the other is doing. But along with those “What If’s” there are good what if’s and bad. It’s easy to remember the Good one’s. But if you dig deep inside you’ll remember the bad what if’s. Those are the reasons you have to remember why it didn’t work. Why it ended in the first place. I love my Fiance. And even though we are not on the same emotional level as I was with my first love; I know that he fills the voids in me. He is the opposite but we balance each other. He has a different kind of love that I’ve never felt before.

I guess I posted just to reassure you that you’re not the only one who does think of their ex’s and think What If. And there are times that you want to contact them; but you know; its just not worth it. It’s better to just remember the past and the times you had but Look forward to the future and why you are where you are in the first place!

Post # 14
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I can understand what you are feeling.  I sometimes have those “What If” moments and compare my relationship with my Fiance to my first love and my first lust (these are two different people).  My Fiance have a steady relationship.  It is grounded, and realistic, and we are partners.  We love each other for who we are.  And, we love each other very much.  It’s a slow burn, I guess you could say.  

The earlier relationships, first love and lust, were firey and passionate and lusty, and they burned out.  They were unrealistic and, quite frankly, completely exhausting.  I think part of that comes from my age at the time.  I was in my early 20s, and I had not really learned any lessons about love at that point.  I know more now, and I know what it takes to make a relationship work.  It’s very easy to think about those men and wonder what might have been, but we tried it, and it did not work.  It never would have worked.  

I think what you are feeling is normal, but I also agree that you need to cut off all ties with this former bf if you are serious about spending your life with your current one.  I hope this helps!

Post # 15
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

my ex and i were very emotionally intense and i thought that was it – that’s how things had to be. With a few years to reflect, I can not express HOW HAPPY I AM to have moved on from that. Love doesn’t have to be exhausting.  My husband and I work well together because we can be passionate, lazy, apart, together, whatever. I love him with all my heart and in all my different moods.

ohsigns – it looks like you’re creating your own signs. And i believe wholeheartedly in stuff like that! Just doesn’t seem like yours are genuine. Think about the ex and the bf separatly. Do you want to be with the ex? Probably not, you broke up with him twice. Do you want to be with the BF? You love him very much, yet you’re questioning. Don’t choose one over the other – what do you want? take time and reflect. And if the universe was really trying to tell you something, i think you’d know it.

Post # 16
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I met my ex-husband because we were gamers, and we happened to be a few miles away. He was from WA, myself from CA, so you could see that as fate.

He is about to go to Iraq, so we took it as a sign to marry. Plus, we had the blessings of a church priest, who told me that he was a saintlike man upon first meeting him.

Well…the ex cheated on me. So that tells you what I think about “signs”. They can be extremely misleading.

And to your current SO…it’s great that you’re telling him all this, but you shouldn’t dwell on exes. You guys didn’t work out not because of circumstances. Believe me, you would’ve made it worked. You guys didn’t work out because you really, truly, didn’t work out. I’ve seen many on-off relationships and yeah…they’re always miserable.

And just because he was more prone to be emotional and passionate about your relationship with him doesn’t mean your SO is less so. They just express it differently and I would venture to say that if your SO wants to marry you, he’s probably much more passionate if given the right reasons (if he’s pushed to fight for your relationship).

I don’t blame you for reminiscing, but just be careful not to mistake a fleeting memory for something you should actually invest and risk yourself on.

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