(Closed) Creepy FIL update….things just exploded! HELP

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 242
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Aspen, CO

You are absolutely entitled to be touched or not touched at your own consent. Where I get stuck is your refusal to take the reins and advocate for yourself, this just make the situation more awkward for all involved. It sounds as if your husband did do his best to have this hard conversation for you however the result has been continued unwanted touching and a huge fight.  It’s time for you to sit your ILs and Hubs down to let them know how you feel. Tell him here are examples of when you touched me and it made me feel uncomfortable. This is an awkward hard conversation but if it’s bothering you to the point it’s made a negative impact on your marriage it’s time to stand up for yourself.  

Post # 243
Member
757 posts
Busy bee

 

aae37 :  I only just read your updated bra post. He was in the wrong to come in even when the door was unlocked. It was likely closed. He should have respected not only your boundary but also his adult son’s. How the heck Father-In-Law knows that his son isn’t buck naked, changing clothes? And accidentally left the door unlocked?

Your Father-In-Law sounds kind of the like my pervy Father-In-Law (who has never touched me) but has shared inappropriate jokes with only me. 

Post # 244
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

He knows you don’t want to be touched. That point has been made repeatedly. An email adds nothing. A family discussion (three against one) will make it all much worse–gaslighting, tears, guilt-inspiring, hysteria–no good can come of it. He knows you hate this violation, and he’s pushing your limits, testing, probing. You don’t have to live your life planning out how to dodge Creeply Fil.

Time for consequences for boundary violation: Don’t see him for as long as it takes to make you feel safe, which may be forever.

Also: Google DWIL and let them help you.

Post # 245
Member
691 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
aae37 :  OP, I think you need to work on your communication skills. I made the original comment about how I would not go without a bra around someone I was fearful about. You did not originally  state that Father-In-Law came into your room after you and DH were dressed in your PJs for goodnight hugs. We can only go by what you tell us. It’s not appropriate nor fair to suggest that some of us said you “asked for it” by not wearing a bra because that is NOT the case. I don’t appreciate that accusation. 

As mentioned, I think it’s crucial for you and your DH to seek counseling. 

 

 

Post # 247
Member
10985 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
aae37 :  

You feel what you feel and your boundaries are what they are.  Having your personal space violated feels absolutely awful.

The anticipation of the next encounter with Father-In-Law is causing you way too much suffering, Bee.  If he’s unresponsive to the limits you set, the only option you have is to not be around him unless and until he can learn to respect your right to control access to your own body.

There could be generational issues in play or he could just be a jerk.  From your end, it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter why he does what he does.   FIL does not have the right to touch you without your consent.

 

Post # 248
Member
10985 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
mrscb2bee :  

He does sound like a creep.  I doubt that there is anything OP can say that will make him change his behavior.

But, I do agree with another Bee who suggested that OP will benefit from going through the experience of confronting Father-In-Law to empower herself.

Again, I see no resolution here. The Father-In-Law is not suddenly going to change.  He doesn’t even understand that what he’s doing is not ok.  The only way OP can ultimately take care of herself is to stay away from him.

Post # 249
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

View original reply
sassy411 :  you are absolutely 110% wrong. D H told his father not to touch OP, that OP doesn’t like it. Normal adults would stop touching someone after that. 

OP has a thread going on a useful site now. Because quite frankly, that majority of this one is complete and utter bullshit. 

Post # 250
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I used to have a male friend who would play-punch me on the arm – but it would hurt. When I told him it hurt, he insisted it didn’t, and I tried to explain to him that if I said it hurt, it hurt. I was the recipient; I judged if it hurt or not, not him.

I think the same applies to general interactions with people. If I tease someone about some aspect of themselves, and it upsets then, then it upsets them. The fact that I’m not meaning to upset them, or that I wouldn’t be upset if someone else said the same to me, is irrelevant. If they tell me it upsets them, or someone else tells me on their behalf, I stop.

So if OP says she fees uncomfortable, she feels uncomfortable- whether or not other Bees would in her situation is neither here nor there. Her Father-In-Law is aware and choosing to continue anyway – how hard is it to stop touching someone?

The fact that so many people on this thread are saying she should just deal will her Father-In-Law rubbing her shoulders or touching her back when she said it makes her feel uncomfortable is beyond disappointing.

OP, I don’t really have any practical solutions to suggest but wanted to post to say you have every right to feel how you feel.

Post # 251
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

Op, DWIL is a great resource I think your initial route (of having d.h speak with him about it) would be their advice as a -you deal with your family, I deal with mine- is the 1st solution to IL issues. Since that didn’t work, I do think it coming from you firmly will help. I would stay limited contact and not CO. Good luck. I’m also on team ‘don’t touch me unless I ask’ so I can see how freaking awful this all is for you. 

Post # 252
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Way late to the party, but just wanted to say sorry, OP. Some of the replies you’ve gotten are absolutely awful. I don’t really have any further advice, you’ve been given good ideas, but just wanted to chime in & support you.

Sometimes you just *know* someone’s intentions. I’m not saying we should always rely on our feelings, but many times, we’re absolutely right in thinking there’s something up with someone’s behavior. In this case, you know your Father-In-Law, we DON’T. You know what sort of person he is. Do I think he might just trying to be nice and is awkward about it? Sure. Maybe he IS declining mentally (Alzheimer’s) and he possibly doesn’t mean any harm. BUT if he doesn’t mean any harm then why doesn’t he just stop? If someone told me my behavior made them uncomfortable, I 100% would IMMEDIATELY stop that behavior because I would absolutely hate to make someone feel that way. Could Father-In-Law possibly forgot your H’s conversation with him? Possibly, I guess (side note, are you sure your H actually discussed this with him?) I would not cut off contact yet, but if this happens again then it most definitely is a sign that he is being deliberate about touching you.

I am firmly of the belief that if we don’t want to be touched in any way, sexual or not, we shouldn’t have to be. While you can’t expect someone to know your boundaries, if someone DOES know them and engages in this touching anyway, it is wrong. If this was a one time thing, Father-In-Law hugged you and then you ran off and got angry, that would be an over reaction because how was he supposed to know you felt that way? That isn’t the case here. Your H had a discussion with him and he did it anyway.

I always remember that when H & I first started dating, he told me his dad said something about me having such a hot body. I was freaking 15 years old. I never forgot that and it still makes my skin crawl.

Post # 253
Member
3112 posts
Sugar bee

The more I think about the fact that he came into your bedroom uninvited at night when you were already in your PJs (and not wearing a bra) to demand a good-night hug…  the  more my skin crawls…  and the more I think he doesn’t believe you/your husband are allowed to have boundaries from him.

 

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