(Closed) cried after seeing his ex from years ago

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am so sorry, that does sound like grief. But you are the one he is marrying. Do you know who broke up with whom?

Post # 4
Member
46 posts
Newbee

I will be totally honest with you- his reaction is troubling to me.. im getting divorced and if I saw my stb ex husband that would be how I’d react because feelings are still there

Post # 5
Member
947 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Hmmm that’s a bizarre reaction. Is he normally a sensitive/emotional person?

Post # 7
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would talk to him more about this, but don’t go on attack mode, try to get him to open up to you, hold off on wedding planing until you can sort this situation out, stay engaged, but don’t start putting deposits down on anything until you both are clear on whats going on.

Post # 8
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Oh Odin and Zeus! I dated someone who pulled crap like this with me. And let me tell you, OP: I could lie to myself like nobody’s business. A one-off mention blossomed into frequent mentions. Oh, Ex loved this restaurant, introduced me to this book! Suddenly they were friends on Facebook even though he had told me he hadn’t talked to her in years. He was inviting her to private message him – because she had asked about his cat and he wanted to show her the album.

I let that crap go on for two years. It shattered me. For a year after that, I’d break down into tears as I tried to work through it. How could he do it to me? He told me he loved me, and I loved him, and I could put my ex aside. It was like I was living in a ghost’s shadow; everything I touched of his was a memory he had of her. And, like you, it was a long-distance relationship that didn’t even last a year. He’d seen her for a grand total of a few weeks.

To say the least, this wedding needs to be postponed. And a foot needs to be firmly put down. I would suggest, at a minimum, couples’ counseling, because this can shatter ANYONE’S self-esteem, and rightfully so. And while I would love to boost your ego and tell you, “But he’s marrying you!” the truth is, people marry for all sorts of reasons. And it isn’t necessarily, “Because you are the best option for him!”

Sometimes it really is, “Because the one I want to marry got away, and you will make do.”

He needs to be totally honest with you about this woman. Like me, you may find he’s been hiding several key details about his contact with her. And that’s an absolute no-go going into the future.

I agree with you – his excuse is a load of crap. And you deserve better. No one deserves to live in an ex’s shadow.

Post # 9
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That reaction is not normal from someone 12 years ago, and I am not buying his explanation or after behavior either. Then he tried to contact her on FB? Something is not adding up. It sounds like he may have unresolved issues. Men have a harder time of letting go of a broken heart because generally they don’t deal with their emotions.. Perhaps he had not dealt with it until he laid his eyes on her 12 years later, and the unresolved grief bubbled to the surface…either way, I hope you guys get counseling before you get married because I don’t think this should not be swept under the rug. 

 

Post # 10
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I would be hurt and livid. Obviously, there are a lot of unresolved feelings to get this much of a reaction out of just glimpsing her. He must have built her up on a pedestal so high that she’s perfection at this point.

(((hugs)))

Post # 11
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I see two red flags here…

He was shattered after seeing an ex, and offered you the flimsiest reason. He would have to be incredibly sensitive to start crying because he could have known you longer!

Secondly, you guys only met 10 months ago? That’s a pretty short time to be engaged, particularly if he’s still feeling something towards one of his exes. If I were you, I would leave off wedding planning for at least a year to see how you both still feel about each other

Post # 12
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Um…. this seems very strange to me…. she made quite the impression I guess…..

Post # 13
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@lelani:  i agree with pp.  there are some unresolved issues and this man needs closure before he can ever move forward with you or anyone else.   meaning, he is not emotionally ready for a relationship let alone marriage.

i would talk to him and find out more about this person and the relationship, not in a probing, jealous way but in a way to have him express his feelings.  why did they break up?  how?  etc.  if he won’t talk to you, he needs to talk to a professional.

like pp suggested, hold off on the wedding plans.

Post # 14
Member
678 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

So so sorry that you are hurting. The reaction does seem a little strange to me. When I think about my exes, it usually makes me chuckle (as in, “I can’t believe I ever thought that person was the right one for me, how silly!”), not cry… and it seems this was a major wave of emotion for your Fiance.

If I were in your place though, I would probably give him the benefit of the doubt and not hold the episode against him… Your engagement just happened, emotions are running high, moving from one stage of life to another brings stresses right along with the excitement. I would try not to worry about the fb thing either- it was before you guys met!

Good luck!!

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