(Closed) cried all night.. feeling like crap at work :(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Why don’t you suggest going to visit this sick relative as a family vacation over Thanksgiving? If this relative is so sick, tell them you shouldn’t even wait until the end of December!!! 😉

I like PP that said you can give her a “this or nothing” answer. Your Fiance needs to respect you and stand up for his new primary family- YOU. If he folds to his mothers demands again, it will set a precedent. Don’t make it about you winning or her winning- it’s just fair to split holidays. Could you try to have a Christmas Eve gift exchange with her (if the homes are close)? This is a pivotal moment in your relationship not only with your Fiance, but whether your Future Mother-In-Law will spend every year from July-December harrassing you, and whether your parents will have respect for your Fiance. One year of family drama is understandable- more than that is just plain rude.

Post # 33
Member
2468 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think the most important thing is getting on the same page with your fi. He needs to do some serious standing up to his mother. this isn’t about you or her “winning” him over to your side, which is what it sounds like she’s trying to make it seem like, and he’s letting her. it doesn’t matter how “right” you are–which, honestly, it seems like you’re doing everything you can to be rational and fair, so you are “right,” but rationality and fairness doesn’t work when someone is being illogical and emotionally manipulative, which it sounds like she is. the only thing you can do is hold firm as a couple and calmly set those boundaries yourselves (and by yourselves, i really mean your fi needs to do this). if it means she blows up and “WW3” as you put it occurs, well then okay, that’s her doing. and if your fi won’t do it, well…I’m not sure I could stay in a relationship, much less get married, if I was always being put second. 

Post # 34
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I don’t think you should have given the “family issues” excuse, because it doesn’t set boundaries. It is just an excuse, and she will think that other than this year, her son will be with her every year.

How often do you see your Future Mother-In-Law other than holidays? Do you have frequent dinners/outings? It sounds like you need to slowly cut the cord. You need to be with a MAN, not someone who will bend at his mothers every whim.

Post # 36
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Ya, I would never deal with that garbage. I would just tell her if she can’t live with the every other holiday thing she can have none of the holidays & then when you have the grandkids she’ll really be kicking herself…ugh…I have it perfect, for Thanksgiving we go to my mommys, (about an hour away), & stay there from 8 am, (I watch the parade with grandma every year, so I have to be there before it starts)! til like 4 or 5 and then we get dressed up and go with his mom to her friends house, (its her boyfriends sister I think, but her friend too), & she is AMAZING! (my Mommy-in-law to be). Then Christmas, same thing…so its kinda unfair but his mom doesn’t do much, & I’m sure that in the upcoming years everything will start being at our house instead of having to do both. 

Post # 37
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

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@sugarcube:  *hugs* make a warm cup of tea!

I think that you and your guy need to be a united front, and he needs to stand up to his mother. That’s part of the problem… it sounds like he lets her pressure him into things.

It ain’t pretty, but he should choose you over her 99% of the time. Sounds like alternating holidays is a good theory.. Future Mother-In-Law just needs to suck it up and realize the world does not revolve around her. If you Fiance puts his foot down a few times, she will learn.

Post # 41
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I totally understand how stressful that is. my Future Mother-In-Law is like that. Last christmas was the first christmas I got to spend with my Fiance (then bf), because our families had been so selfish. It is very stressful, and I hope that everything works out.

Post # 42
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@sugarcube:  I’m sorry your Mother-In-Law is being so stubborn but don’t give in. You have to break her habbit of always “winning”. I’m sure every year she will try to guilt trip you into spending christmas with them until you and your Fiance put your foot down and tell her how it is gonna be.

I think seeing the relative on your own is completely fine. Also, if the entire family all goes there at once is that going to be overwhelming for the sick relative? If you two go on your own you will have more time to talk or watever with the person. If it is the relative that wants everyone there at once I would reconsider my answer but Mother-In-Law is not dying and therefore this isn’t her “last wish”.

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@MrsPeachMartini:  I agree completely. Seems odd if she is so sick that everyone isn’t going to visit right away.

Post # 43
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@MrsPeachMartini:  yes that’s what I was going to see! Can your Fiance see that this is manipulation? You can’t plan to have an emergency in December when it is October! If she is truly dying they should probably go see her sooner shouldn’t they? Unless of course it will make her more dying if she doesn’t see them Christmas…eye roll…

Post # 44
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@sugarcube:  No! & if I was truly very sick I wouldn’t want anyone coming to see me!

Post # 45
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Hmm how close to the sick relative are you and FI?  Can you contact the relative directly and find out just how sick they are? I think you need to stand your ground unless Fiance is really close with this relative and they are definitely gravely unwell. 

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