(Closed) Cried at baby shower and left without goodbye :(

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 31
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Frankly, my heart hurts for you and I feel for you and I’m sorry you are in the middle of this.

However, I think you do owe her a call and, to be honest, I think you owe her an apology. You went to her party and left without explanation. A friend’s party. That seems to me to be pretty clear cut that you should reach out to your friend.

Also, I just thought I’d mention–you say your friend knows what you’re going through and so how could she say this or that, etc…the thing is — she doesn’t really have any idea what you’re going through.  (And you don’t really know what she’s going through.)

I think, like a PP said, you need to come to peace about this for yourself and allow yourself to avoid situations that you can’t handle. I’m not sure how to say this but basically you are jealous and you let your sadness and struggle make you react very selfishly at a friend’s party. That means you do owe her an apology.

That being said, you are also experiencing something very hard and as a good friend, she does owe you some understanding and patience. And you both will just have to continue to figure out how to navigate your friendship while you’re envious of her situation. But to do that successfully means admitting when you were in the wrong and also giving her real help in telling her what you can’t handle talking about.

Throughout life, people will have things harder or easier than other people do.  It’s just life.  It doesn’t invalidate experiences or feelings just because yours is different from someone else’s.  Personally, I would be really hurt if I were your friend. but if you called and explained and were willing to apologize for being rude (I’d never expect you to apologize for how you felt), then that would mean the world to me and we could continue our friendship even through this awkward life stage. 

Post # 32
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Hands down the hardest thing i’ve ever experienced was my miscarriages and years of trying for a baby. I have been through a lot but nothing made me more crazy, emotional and sensitive. Anyone who hasn’t experienced it will sit on their high horse and judge you for feeling anything other than ‘joy’ but the human brain can’t always muster joy in these situations.

It’s different to normal jealousy i.e your friend has a nice new car or job prospects etc.It’s a soul deep gut wrenching yearning and I learnt that no one could understand until they felt it themselves. 

Personally I took steps back from people who I knew would trigger me, avoided baby showers and baby events as every time i’d cry. Plus before this i’d never cried before at anything, my entire personality changed. 

I am now 36 weeks pregnant with our miracle baby after 5 miscarriages and didn’t have a baby shower as I still find them triggering hearing all the birth stories and knowing I should have older children by now and sharing my own stories. 

All my friends that were true friends were waiting for me when I came out the other side from my miscarriage hell and yes I did grow apart from a few people but those people were the ones who would show no sensitivity and I never felt the same way about our friendship again.

please, please don’t feel hard on yourself. 

 

Post # 35
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

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hollyberry4 :  There’s a difference between selfishness and self-preservation.  What deedee2016 and I are trying to tell you is that it is okay to not go to a baby shower.  You don’t have to force yourself to pretend to be happy when you are not.  

I have a friend who is struggling with infertility.  She basically told everyone who is pregnant or has kids that she needed a time out.  Did anyone get mad at her? No. They understand that she is really upset.  Like Deedee said, good friends should be understanding and patient with your emotions.  

You don’t have to shun everyone with kids, but you could have told you friend that you were not up to going to her baby shower.  

Instead, you went, couldn’t handle it and  unintentionally made a little bit of a scene.  Now, your friend has an excuse to be annoyed with you, instead of sympathetic for you.  (Although, I think a quality person would be understanding, regardless.).   Why are you putting yourself through this?  

I hope there won’t be a next time because I hope you get pregnant, but this applies in other areas of life as well: be honest with yourself about what you can or cannot handle.  That way you won’t end up being passive aggressive and/or spreading yourself thin.

Post # 36
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee

i think you did the right thing. You didn’t know you’d be upset, and you left to avoid drama. Obviously it wasn’t a perfect situation but you handled it the best you could. 

Call and apologize with a quick ‘I’m so sorry to have left unexpectedly, I wasn’t feeling well and needed to get home. Hope you had a wonderful day- let’s do coffee soon!’ And keep it at that. 

 

Post # 38
Member
2427 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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hollyberry4 :  I’m so sorry about how you are feeling. I think your emotions are totally justified, as someone who is also going through infertility and IVF, I have found myself in those situations. I’ve stopped attending showers and other baby related things because frankly, its just too hard. I do not think you reacted irrationally or selfishly at all and that if your friend is truly your friend, she will understand regardless of not quite “getting” what you are going through. Often I find myself wanting to be supportive of friends who have had an easier time getting to the point we have strived so hard for, and even in these moments, I struggle. Everyone has a weakness and it is OK to figure these out as we put one foot in front of the other and walk this horrid path.

Also, I’m just astounded at some of the insensitivity that is happening on this thread. OP came here for support, not to be judged on whether or not she is “jealous” or “selfish” or “caused a scene.” I guarantee the majority of women making comments like this have never walked a step in the shoes of someone dealing with infertility. I really, honestly, hope that you never have a friend in real life that has or is struggling with infertility (that you may or may not be aware of), because if you were my friend making comments like this, that friendship would be over.

Post # 39
Member
4126 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Don’t beat yourself up!  It’s a tough situation. ..I get what PPs are saying, that yes, in an ideal world you would have recognized that it would be too hard to go. But we don’t live in an ideal world. And you were obviously trying very hard to be a good and supportive friend, and not let the shit that is infertility run your life.

Women on this site can never win when it comes to this….if you hadn’t gone, people would be on you for being a bad friend,  and for letting infertility run your life, telling you that you can’t hide out forever.

I’m really sorry that you had a rough day. I say props to you and give yourself major kudos…especially because you went outside your comfort zone to be supportive of someone who doesn’t seem to be very support of you. That shows wonderful character. I wish you all the luck on your ivf cycle! 

Post # 40
Member
1831 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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hollyberry4 :  So sorry. This exact thing happened to me at my brother and SIL’s gender reveal after a MC. I totally fell apart and most people there had no idea why. It was awful. I feel your pain. Sending hugs.

Post # 41
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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hollyberry4 :  you said your Darling Husband was there because he knew your friends Darling Husband. You could have had him run in and tell your friend and/or her Darling Husband that you weren’t feeling well and were leaving so your friend wasn’t worried about you during her shower.

However, it’s too late for shoulda/woulda/coulda, so I would just call and apologize for leaving so abruptly with no explanation. If she’s a good person, she’ll understand and won’t hold it against you. 

Also, it’s not fair for you to expect her to not tell you that her pregnancy happened too soon. Just because you’re having a hard time with something doesn’t mean your friends need to censor or suppress their feelings. Would it be fair for her to expect you to not talk about not being pregnant because she’s a little bummed that she is so soon? No. Friends should be able to discuss anything.

Post # 44
Member
2427 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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hollyberry4 :  Hugs to you, friend. 

I feel like this article is extremely pertinent to this post. I hope those that are being even slightly insensitive and judgy take a second to read it. “I would catch myself feeling as though I should apologize for all my sadness and anger, for daring to be so bold as to let my heart shatter and my world fall apart over this. Apologize for all this hurt my heart couldn’t contain.”

https://themighty.com/2016/08/infertility-when-people-allowed-my-grief-to-exist/

 

Post # 45
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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hollyberry4 :  

I think a lot of the responses you’ve received are unbelievably harsh. The way your friends announced her pregnancy was extremely insensitive. I got pregnant the first month of trying and even though I was happy I was still freaked out and shocked. I have friends who have been trying for years and I would never express those feelings to them because I knew how desperately they would love to be in the same position. 

If I was your friend I would just appreciate that you made the effort to attend and show your support. You are obviously open and honest with your friend about your fertility struggles so I would just be honest with her about what happened. Explain you are happy and excited for them but being pushed to participate in the games was just too much for you especially with the extra hormones and emotions from your current treatment. 

The reality is there is no easy answer for how you should handle these situations you just need to look after yourself the best you can. Don’t try and force yourself to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. There is sometimes no way to know for certain how you will respond to a situation. 

I hope your next cycle is successful!

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