Post # 46
hollyberry4 : I don’t think you could have handled the situation any better. You went to the baby shower. Got emotional and removed yourself before causing a scene. Your husband explained that you weren’t feeling well. Case closed.
Depending on how close of relationship you have, you can tell her that all the baby talk was too much for you. But honestly, I think the “not feeling well” is sufficient. I would just apologize for leaving so soon, but I’d do that if I left any party sooner than normal.
We all find ourselves in situations that are uncomfortable or even unbearable. We don’t know always know how hard it will be until we are in the midst of it. I imagine that you knew it would be a little uncomfortable, but not nearly as difficult as it was when you were sitting there. But what we can control is how we react when we are in the midst of such heartbreaking situation. And you handled it very well and kept the day about her and not you. Don’t feel bad at all.
Post # 47
hollyberry4 : it does sound like you took it personally though, or you probably wouldn’t have posted it here. I think the reason people are harping on that so much is because it seems like you expect or want her to be understanding of how you feel, but you’re really not being understanding that maybe she’s going through a somewhat difficult time too regarding the pregnancy happening so soon. Just because you would be elated doesn’t mean she needs to feel the same.
As far as it being insensitive, sensitivity is such a relative thing. What’s insensitive to one person might be no big deal and vice versa to someone else. I would never ever want my friend to hide how she feels about her pregnancy (positive or negative) because she would fear I would find it “insensitive”.
If you’re open and honest with her about your struggles, you prob don’t expect her to judge you. She was being open and honest with you about how she feels, and it seems like you’re judging her about how sensitive vs. insensitive it was.
Post # 48
I would call and apologize to your friend. “Sorry I had to leave so abruptly, I wasn;t felling well. I hope you had a wonderful shower.”
I don’t think your friend’s comment about her pregnancy was insensitive. I have two friends that got pregnant on their first try and both were so surprised that it happened quickly. If I tried to remember everything that every friend was going through, I would have such a hard time having a conversation tip toeing around. To me this is the same as not being able to talk about an upcoming wedding around friends that just got divorced. I understand this is really hard for you, but also understand that she might not get what you’re going through. Also understand that you might not get what she’s going through, evn though you feel she should be ecstatic because she just got pregnant she might have other things going on that are causing her to be disappointed.
Post # 49
hollyberry4 : honestly, people who haven’t been through it just don’t understand how much it can hurt. Lucky them, is all I can say.
Call your friend, apologize for leaving abruptly, and tell you you are having a tough time. If she is a close friend, she will care about your feelings even if she doesn’t quite get it.
Post # 50
ashley.nicole.2122 : But I did hear her out and let her vent and cry about it and showed nothing but support to her, even though yes it was hard and painful. Did I do something wrong here? This was 5 months ago. I have been nothing but supportive of her and I recognize that what I find insensitive she may not, which is why I have not brought it up to her once and have continued our friendship as normal. And I don’t think it’s a stretch to see that complaining about getting pregnant on the first try (because she wasn’t ready to change her lifestyle yet even though they told us the exact date they decided to actively start TTC) to someone who is actively going through IVF injections after 2.5 years of infertility is a stretch. This would have even been fine if she had told me about the pregnancy first, let me process, and then vent, but this was the way in which they announced the pregnancy. Yes it was difficult for me. No I don’t think she even thought about it or realized how I would feel about it (so no it wasn’t intentional). No I didn’t make a big deal out of it. No I didn’t hold it against her. It is now 5 months, 1 failed IVF cycle, 1 miscarriage later. We have all moved on. It is a non -issue.
edit: The part of “wanting her to understand how I feel,” yes I do want her to understand why I left so she doesn’t take it personally or think I’m not happy for her. I don’t expect her to know exactly what it’s like for me to struggle with infertility, but I did want to make sure she understood why I left. That was really the whole point.
Post # 51
mrsB052315 : see response to ashleynicole above. Obviously I don’t expect her to react to pregnancy the same way I would. And she is not just “some friend,” she was my maid of honor and we are close and both VERY aware of what is going on in each other’s lives.
Post # 52
UPDATE: My friend and I just spoke and she was very sympathetic. She told me not to be afraid to show my emotions around her but that she understood that I wouldn’t want to show them to a bunch of strangers and is fine that I left. Thank you to everyone who was supportive and gave helpful advice.
Post # 53
I am so happy you were able to talk with your friend and clear the air. I hope you are feeling less embarrassed. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hope that you are pregnant soon 🙂 I think you did an amazing job today of handling your emotions at the party as well as here on this board!!
Post # 54
hollyberry4 : thanks for clearing all that up. I think many of us who are harping on that point thought that it was still how you felt since you decided to include it in your OP. If it was 5 months ago, it doesn’t have much bearing on what happened at the shower.
Im glad to hear you talked it out with your friend and that she’s understanding. Hopefully this will help you become closer and it will be easier for both of you to talk about your feelings. Best of luck!
Post # 55
But when she first got pregnant, 8 or whatever months ago, you weren’t going through IVF yet, right? She just knew you had been trying? Why shouldn’t she be able to vent to her good friend about her fears with pregnancy and being a mom? You ran out of her only baby shower and cried on the sidewalk.. I’d cut her a break.
Post # 56
hollyberry4 : I’m so glad you and your friend sorted it out!
For the record, I think venting to someone dealing with infertility that you got pregnant “too quickly” despite the fact that you were TRYING to get pregnant is pretty much the height of insensitivity/cluelessness/lacking awareness/lacking empathy. A good friend (hell, anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence) should know better. I have fortunately never dealt with infertility, but it has been easy for me to put myself in someone elses’s shoes and show compassion and empathy for my close friends who have.
Post # 57
I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread saying that OP’s friend had a “right” to talk to her about how she felt her pregnancy was too soon and OP needs to grin and bear it. Sorry but no, that is not how friendship works–and if it is you’re doing something wrong. If I get a huge promotion but am worried about managing all the responsibilities of the new role, I’m not going to go to my friend who just got laid off for advice and encouragement…that would be insensitive. You know what makes a truly solid friendship? Empathy. An empathetic person would know better than to talk to their friend struggling with infertility and miscarriages about how it was sooo easy for them to get pregnant and honestly happened too soon! That is fucked up on so many levels – I cannot believe anyone here is justifying it.
Know your audience. If the OP’s friend needed to talk to someone about feeling like her pregnancy happened too soon, that’s completely fair, but she should have found another person in her life to discuss that with. I really think unless you’ve gone through infertility or seen first hand the pain of a loved one going through it, this is not something you will understand.
Post # 58
Post # 59
hollyberry4 : So sorry this happened to you, OP, but glad it is resolved! This process is so unfair and sometimes our emotions get the best of us. Wish you SO MUCH LUCK on your IVF journey! xo
Post # 60
i left many places crying when i was going through IVF. baby showers were the worst and i tried to avoid if i could. the worst for me was my work day, people would constantly want to talk about my coworkers new baby.
i cried in the bathroom many days.
i cried at a wedding shower. the day before i got the call that my 3rd iui was negative and i could stop the medicine. this was the last iui before we moved to ivf. i got there and went to the bathroom and my period arrived. i thought i was going to be ok at a wedding shower, but i couldn’t stop crying. i tried really hard to get it together, i did end up staying but not for long.
anyway. i wouldn’t worry about it. your friend knows you are going through IVF so don’t feel bad.