(Closed) Critical Family, Sister MIA Maid Of Honor

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

you have way too much expectations of family… just because they have money doesnt mean they should pay for your stuff, they raised you and thats now over so stop feeling entitled (I know you said your paying but you still seem under the impression they should – when they dont even approve )

and your sister could have a million reasons, its nice to have family but she doesnt HAVE to and to of assumed that you would be and now get upset over it was your fault for jumping the gun

Post # 4
Member
3443 posts
Sugar bee

Your parents are probably the only parents on earth to be upset that their daughter’s future husband is studying to be a doctor. What am I missing here? I’m sorry they aren’t more supportive.

 

Post # 5
Member
2175 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, sorry you are having a hard time. I don’t really have any advice but just wanted to give you some *hugs*. I know planning my wedding brought out serious emotions at weird times for me so I completely understand being emotional. 

I also understand being cut off financially and when other siblings aren’t. It was hard for me to understand when it happened and I can’t say I really do now, its just been so long it doesn’t matter to me as much. I am the youngest and have an older brother who is an alcoholic and lives with our parents. Half of his paycheck goes to child support (as it should) and most of the rest he spends on booze. My mom is constantly helping him out but when I fall on hard times, I have to pay the money back. Its bizarre to say the least. I know its not up to me to decide where and when my parents spend their money, its just difficult to see them favor him. I’m sure you feel the same way. 

Its weird that your parents aren’t supportive of you two. Ater 7 yrs you would think they could see that he is good for you and you guys have worked out a life together. Your mom not giving her blessing is pretty extreme, I mean he makes you happy, so what else do they want or expect for you? 

So sorry bee. I know this time can be difficult. Try to focus on all the good things happening right now. Put those at the forefront of your mind. You can only control how you react to things, not what other people do. Let yourself experience your emotions, but don’t dwell on it. Then go have a great time wiht a friend or your Fiance. Good luck, bee!

Post # 6
Member
49 posts
Newbee

No, you’re not expecting too much of your family. Its not at all absurd to expect some help with the wedding. Its so comforting to hear of another Bee with a similar situation, fiance wise. I love mine to bits, though he’s a flawed human (as we all are) and I made the mistake of talking to my parents about one issue. Because we live so far away from our families, I am afraid it tainted their view of him, and he hasn’t gotten the chance to change that impression because we rarely go back home to visit. My parents also said no when he asked them (or some vague answer like “maybe take more time to think about it” – we’d already been living together 4 years). But they don’t get to see the day-to-day support from my Dear Fiance, so it was hard for them to understand why I’d want to marry him. My parents saying no was also a bit of a heartbreak for him, as we’d picked out the ring together and I knew it was coming, but he had been wanting to ask my parents in person, so he waited MONTHS to be able to ask them in person.. then to have them shoot him down. It sucked. 

I was pretty devastated that I didnt have their support. I don’t have many close friends and NONE in the city I live in. I wanted so badly to have my parents full support (they’re there for me in literally every other way possible, always there, unconditionally) in this marriage. Flash forward a year in time and they’re helping a lot with the wedding now, which should hopefully happen next summer.

But honestly, I would absolutely not feel guilty at all for feeling the way you’re feeling. I would also be heartbroken if my sister didnt think of me instantly for Maid/Matron of Honor. Don’t add guilt to the heartbreak. Maybe its not proper to feel ‘entitled’ to being her Maid/Matron of Honor, but I certainly think its understandable and reasonable to expect it. Who the hell cares about etiquette. Your feelings are your feelings. 

Maybe reaching out and having a heart to heart is an option, or maybe its not. Maybe you do have to “face it alone” but I think its sort of mean for other posters to say that. We here are a community in this forum and if you’re “facing it alone” you can face it here with us. 

<3

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  futuremrssss.
Post # 7
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Don’t listen to people saying you expect too much! Your parents’ excitement would be wonderful, even if they never give you a dime! 

Engagement/wedding time is supposed to be one of the happiest times in your life when your family and friends all get pumped about this exciting venture, and it’s lame as all get out when your blood relatives are being jerks!

Surround yourself with people that ARE stoked about your wedding and try try try to not listen to the naysayers (even when it’s your fam)

Post # 8
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Even though OP mentions money in her post, I really don’t get the feeling that this is ultimately about her being upset her parents aren’t paying.

OP, your parents and your sister sound like they are all acting like pills, and for that I am very sorry. I agree with a PP, I’m not sure what we’re missing here about why your parents are so against this. Are you very young? Big age difference between you and FI? Do you mind if I ask what you do for work? You seem incredibly self-sufficient if you are able to fund a $30k wedding and were able to provide financial support for you and your Fiance while he finished school – and that kind of self-sufficiency is to be lauded! Are your parents really traditional and pissed that your man isn’t supporting you financially or something? There is nothing wrong with your current arrangement. You and your Fiance are a team and that means supporting one another. And going to school to be a doctor isn’t the same as sitting around playing video games while you go to work to support him.

For what it’s worth, parents are often hardest on the oldest child. Some people also feel justified in being harder on someone who is more capable or has more potential (you), even while they give a lot of help to others (your siblings).

I really don’t know what to say about your sister. Do you ordinarily get along well and this attitude from her is new? Is she jealous? It’s ridiculous to tell you that you’re selfish for spending your own money as you please. For fuck’s sake.

I know you’re hurt that she didn’t automatically pick you as Maid/Matron of Honor. Sisters are often chosen as Maid/Matron of Honor but not always. This is also why I asked whether you usually get along. 

I’m really sorry, OP. I guess just lay off the wedding talk with your sister. Tell her she just needs to wear a dress and stand next to you. Talk to friends who are actually excited about your wedding. <3

Post # 9
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

My former Maid/Matron of Honor was my best friend since we were kids, and she was doing the same thing that your sister is. She has no clue about anything wedding related and still criticized me about every single aspect of my wedding and did not care if I started crying or just walked away. It got to the point where my Fiance knew she was stressing me out even more, and we decided our friendship would be better if she were just a bridesmaid. Granted we had a huge fight when I told her how I felt and then after a few weeks she came back ad we talked it all out.

I ended up choosing my sister; I should have chosen her to begin with, but she just had a second baby, and I did not want to burden her. Let’s just say she’s ecstatic to be my MOH!

Sorry, that was long, BUT she should not be negative or putting you down. Especially since now she’s engaged it seems like she could not care less about your wedding. I know she’s your sister, but you need to have someone who will be there for you, even if you two are super close maybe she’s just not cut out to be you Maid/Matron of Honor.

Post # 11
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

shadrury:  I don’t think you’re asking too much for you’re family to be there for you and be excited. However, you’re parents have a different view of you’re Fiance. That’s probably why they aren’t exactly thrilled about you marrying him. As for you’re sister, you’re parents are probably filling her head, and they are probably supportive of her marriage to be and not yours. I would just say that you hurt yourself automatically assuming that you’re sister was going to pick you as Maid/Matron of Honor. I know my sister was surprised to see I had choosen my mom. But my sister and I do fight, and at times she has said some hurtful things to me that I haven’t forgotten. Sometimes we think that we are supposed to be an Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man just because we are siblings but that’s not always the case. Maybe you’re sis knows you’d be offended thats why she hasn’t mentioned any names yet; I’m sure she knows you probably assumed it was going to be you.

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