Post # 1
At the age of 17 I had a miscarriage, I then found out i had a medical condition that means I’m 3X more likely to miscarriage than the normal person. My best friend knows this and know that because of this and because of the pain both emotional and physical i went through i refuse to even try.
My SO know about this and agree that as he’s firing blanks as well that it make sense not to try/ tempt fate.
My issue lie in the fact that my nan is very old fasioned and told me i was “a selfish bitch” for not wanting children and saying ” your poor parents want grandchildren what you want doesnt matter”. Now my nan doesnt know what ive gone through and explaining it to her is impossible as she sufferes with dementia.
When i told my fully in the know BF this she said ” She has a point with you inteligece and SO’s looks you are being selfish”. I didn’t talk to her for 2 weeks after that but then she suffered a miscarriage while she was trying to get pregnant. I felt like i could help support her and instead all i got was abused about not knowing how it feels and about how she doesn’t have any one to help her or her fi during this time and i just walked out. I then got a snotty fb message telling me i’m a crappy friend.
Am i? Am i really a crappy friend when i’m tryng to help and trying to make her comfortable because i know that my cramps went on for 2 months after my miscarriage? or is she just hormonal? I mean she was 1 month pregnant and didn’t even know untill she had the miscarriage… I didn’t think the hormones were that strong at that point…
Can someone please reassure me that i’m not being a bitch i mean i’m trying to be there for her but when she’s telling me i don’t know how it feels and why does noone want to help her when I litterally went throught it alone with just my dr for aid as i couldn’t tell my parents or the person i was dating as i was so ashamed… It really hurt as she knows all of this as i finally opened up about it last year…
Post # 2
Your friend sounds like a pretty heartless bitch.
Just because you’re going through something doesn’t mean you get to treat your friends like shit as a coping mechanism. You were right not to talk to her; she doesn’t deserve your support if she’s going to lash out at you for nothing.
Post # 3
Sorry you have to deal with a medical condition like that….I feel for you! She sounds like a crappy friend TBH…It isn’t selfish to not want children, it’s a common reaction from family members though when someone mentions choosing to not have children. In your case you actually have a medical reason not to, which makes that remark so much more insenstive. I would evaluate this friendship….I could forgive her remarks after her miscarriage, knowing emotions were high and knowing miscarriages screw with your hormones..but the fact she made the rude comment beforehand makes me wonder if she usually is insensitive like that to you? Is she normally a good friend? Definitely sounds like you haven’t done anything wrong here except try to be a supportive friend even when she’s acting out.
Post # 4
Friendship would have been over for me after that comment.
Post # 5
I think it’s time to move on from this “friendship.” Friends should be compassionate and understanding and she sounds anything but.
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts
No, you are not a crappy friend. Has she been like this multiple times before or was this a one off thing? In the case it was one off thing, I would say she’s just really depressed about the whole thing and lashed out at you. If she does this stuff all the time, then she’s just a mean person.
I’ve been told I’m selfish too for not wanting children. I don’t have a medical condition though, it’s just a personal thought that the world is to over populated and I don’t want to add to it. If I ever changed my mind, I would just adopt. To me, there is already so many homeless children in the world that need love.
Post # 7
just. block. her.
other people don’t have to be nice to you, but that doesn’t mean you have to take it.
Post # 8
You are NOT a selfish bitch. You are free to choose whatever YOU want regarding children. I can understand how trying for a child would be daunting after what the doctor told you. I’m not sure how I would feel about it either at that point. But regardless, your parents shouldn’t hold it against you if you choose not to have kids either. Kids aren’t some gift FOR them, so no one should be acting like you took something away from someone else.
And your friend, she’s a heartless bitch. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.
Post # 9
I think you’re a crappy friend. Your friend had a miscarriage. And in her time of need, you want her to comfort you about your fertility & miscarriage. Just not cool. She doesn’t sound like a peach, either, though.
Post # 10
I’d say those things are definitely cruel and I’d keep that friend at an arms distance. Regarding kids, if you are scared to get pregnant because of your medical issues or whatever, there are options if you still want kids. You could foster, adopt, or even try donor embryos. No pressure to do this but it doesn’t sound like you don’t want kids because you don’t want them, you’re just scared of a pregnancy based on your medical condition. Feel free to completely disregard this comment.
Post # 11
You’re not a crappy friend, nor are you selfish for choosing not to have children. I think your friend is the one who is out of line here, and I wouldn’t blame you for not speaking to her.
Post # 12
There is a crappy friend in the scenario. It just isn’t you.
Post # 13
your friend is crappy, but again she is still grieving. MC at just 1 month doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to grieve. Maybe she just need a time alone. I say leave her at the moment, if she’s reach out and sorry then it’s fine. Id she’s still being crappy, then leave.
Post # 14
Actually i didn’t bring it up to her at all when comforting her which I did say in my post. She brought it up saying “You don’t know how it feels because you cant have kids” which i left out of my post. I walked out because I didn’t want to point out during her hormonal time that she was being shitty to me when all i was doing was trying to help. At no point did I try to get her to feel sympathy for me because of my condition.
The bit before when she made the comment about me being selfish was before she even started trying to get pregnant although my time line in the post may have been wrong as my SO pointed out to me as apparently there was 2 months between the 2 incidents and we didn’t talk in that time.
Thank you everyone just to clarify some points.
1) She wasn’t like this until recently when she made a new friend and started dating her current SO about 2 years ago she then go cruel about a lot of things in my life including my medical issues, my relationship, my religion and my job.
2) It’s a problem with my womb so donated embryos isn’t an option although as i’ve already resigned myself to no children i’m contemplating donating my eggs.
3) She asked me for support and my parents have taught me that a friend in need is not someone to turn your back on i’m inclined to help even if i’m mad at the person.
4) i’m not saying the duration of the pregnancy makes in easier emotionally but physically it does as at a month it causes less havoc on your internal system due to being a less developed embryo.
5) I’ve adapted to the idea of not having kids. I have my neices and nephews so i don’t feel the need to have children of my own as i can be the waky aunty and have just as much fun.
Post # 15
While I agree your friend didn’t react in the best way -in fact, quite the opposite- I am inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and think it might have been an emotional reaction. In a way, she is right…you got pregant, I am assuming, accidentally; she got pregnant while TTC. I would also advice you to go back to when you miscarriage, how did you feel? Where you really open to help? (You mentioned you prefer to not tell anyone) would you have wanted someone to insist again?
I also think her comment about your nana being right could have been made as a joke. I understand it is a sensitive topic for you and I think you should have told her so on the stop. People can rarely read minds, and we sometimes assume the wrong thing.