Post # 1
Hello bees… need your opinion here. I am a regular bee poster going undercover because I definitely can’t post this under my regular username.
So here’s the situation… I am getting married in a week and I have been having this unexplainable, silly crush on my much older coworker (like, 50 years old, old, which is twice my age) since few months ago. No I do not have daddy issues… my relationship with my dad is GREAT. And I do love my fiance and yes I still want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.
However, I have this older coworker that I have been insanely crushing at for months already. He was very mean and rude towards me when I first started this job, but as I got better at my job he treated me much better (he’s sort of my superior). He started to say nice things to me and jokes around with me, and for some reason that makes me harbor this kind of feeling towards him.
However, I definitely cannot see myself getting into relationship with this guy, so leaving my fiance for him is definitely not on my mind. My question to you bees, is this normal to have a crush on someone else while being engaged? When will this go away? This is really stressing me out. 🙁
For your information, this coworker is hundred of miles away from me so we mainly talk via IM and phone. I do meet him once though a year ago. I have never said or done anything inappropriate with him.
Thanks bees… please let me know your opinion. 🙁
Post # 3
@anon1111: In my opinion, yes, it’s normal. Basically your whole life (until recently, of course) your mindset has been to find a mate. Now that you have your mate, it’ll take awhile for your mindset to switch from ‘single’ to ‘married’. These feelings certainly don’t make you any less committed to your FH, they just make you human.
A word of caution though, make sure to keep these feelings in check. You don’t want to ruin your new marriage or possibly even your career.
Forget about this guy and concentrate on the fantastic week ahead!
Post # 4
@anon1111: Oldest story ever written. Girls love guys who treat them like crap. Everyone knows that. This guy was mean to you, so now it makes you feel special and fuzzy when he’s nice to you. This has happened a million times before and will happen a million times more. Totally normal.
Post # 5
@anon1111: For me it would not be normal to have a crush on someone else now that I’m engaged.
But define “crush” . . .
To me a “crush” is when you’re sexually attracted to someone, you have great chemistry with them and fantasize about what it might be like to be with them. What you’re describing doesn’t sound like my definition of a crush, it sounds more like admiration of a work colleague and a mutually respectful friendship.
There isn’t anything wrong with liking other people of the opposite sex, but if it’s to the level of a physical, sexual attraction for someone else (a crush by my definition) then I’d be a little worried if maybe there is something missing in your relationship with your Fiance. Is there?
Post # 6
@anon1111: It’s very easy to crush on a voice or personality via email or IM, I think that’s why online dating works so well (that’s how I met Fiance, so totally not dissing it!). The good news is that you’ve recognized it, now it’s time to figure out how to handle it. If you know there is nothing inappropriate happening, and that it could be a bi-product of pre-wedding jitters, leave it alone. If, however, there is every anything wrong with your behavior (which includes flirting) you need to distance yourself, transfer to another department, find another job, something, because it will not end well. It’s possible he has no idea of any of this, and this is just his normal behavior, or he could be an (insert bad word here).
When Darling Husband1 and I were engaged, I started a new job. My boss was also about twice my age, and I didn’t find him attractive however was always nice to me. It progressed, and I started thinking I had a crush on him (which was weird, because I was SO desperately in love with Darling Husband1), but never acted on it and was young and stupid and didn’t realize he was flirting with me when he said things like ‘I can’t believe you’re getting married’. Totally clueless. About a year after I was married, he made a move on me. I was too shocked to react like I should have, and instead of slapping him I just mumbled something and left. I told Darling Husband1 about it right away, and distanced myself from my boss until I found a new job. Had I lost my head, my marriage could have been destroyed. If I’d known ahead of time what his intentions were or how dangerous our friendship at work could have been, I could have distanced myself from the beginning.
All I can say here is, be careful. Not all men are princes, and if your boss was mean to you at first he might not be a nice guy, he might not care about an engagement ring or a wedding ring, and you might end up in a touch and scary situation.
Post # 7
Yes it is normal and yes it will most likely go away. They will most likely do something that will remind you why they are just a crush and not someone you could seriously see yourself being with. Happens all the time.
My definition of crush is different then Sunfire’s though. I was thinking giggly and being stupid crush. “Oh my gee, he smiled at me hehehehehehe”. Innocent sort of a thing.
Anything more then that is no not normal.
Post # 8
Totally normal. You love your fiance and are getting married. That doesn’t mean you won’t, occasionally, be attracted to other men. Attraction isn’t bad. Acting on it is.
If it were some random guy you met at a party or that took your order at Starbucks I’d say don’t give it a second thought. I mean, it’s not like you’ll stop watching Brad Pitt movie’s just because you’re married. And those things aren’t a big deal because nothing would ever happen beyond thinking “yowza, he’s a cutie”.
The tricky thing with your situation is that you work closely with this guy. When you’re having frequent contact with a guy, a crush is more dangerous. And this is dangerous at both home and work. So don’t stress about it, but I would try to make a concious effort not to indulge in anything that could remotely be construed as flirting or fantasizing. It’ll probably go away. Just be careful not to let it slip into dangerous territory.
Post # 9
I want to say that it’s normal because we’re human and these things don’t really turn off. I wouldn’t want to call them crushes, more like minor temporary infatuations. I’m not saying to blame everything on biology because everyone has control over their actions. the biology, ie, hormones, we can’t control. the hormones will be released whenever they want to be. But we can definitely control how we react to these feelings. I think its important to recognize that sometimes, these feelings happen simply because of biology and not to put any deeper meaning into it that could jeopardize your relationship. Sorry if this next part is Too Much Information: For me, generally around the same time each month (when I’m very obviosly ovulating) I tend to have to random infatuations that last about a week or so. Theyre very easy for me to dismiss and ignore because I know my hormones are extra strong, and in about a week, sometimes less, those feelings will disappear. I don’t even think twice. It’s like ignoring a cramp more than anything. I know the feelings are there, but they’ll go away in a few days.
I know in your case, these have lasted for several months, which may make it more complicated. Do you notice if these feelings are stronger during certain times in your cycle? or are they more persistent than that? If these feelings are really persistent, then I would agree with @sunfire. Maybe there is somethign missing in your relationship? If they just happen to appear for 3 days out of the month and then disappear until your next cycle comes along, then it’s probably nothing but hormones. HOWEVER, because these feelings are with the same guys each month, I would still be very careful because it could get out of hand, especially since you’re in close proximity with them all the time.
I know this was conflicting, and I’m sorry if it’s not very helpful…
Post # 10
I would say that yes, it’s normal. At least in my experience it happens from time to time. And it sucks, but it will pass and seem ridiculous in retrospect. I know it feels like you’re being disloyal to your Fiance, but just try to ignore it and focus on the wonderful week ahead. Go out of your way to be extra attentive and affectionate to your Fiance, look through some old pictures of the two of you, imagine saying your vows to him, and just generally focus on being present in the moment so that this doesn’t diminish this special time. And try not to stress over it! Finding the person you love more than any other doesn’t mean that you magically cease to find other people attractive, convenient as that might be. You’ll be fine.
Post # 11
Its totally normal. Me and Fiance work together, and we both have crushes on other ppl we work with. We don’t flirt with the ‘crush’ or anything, just like looking at them. haha. We are both ok with it because we know neither of us would every cheat on the other, and we know we don’t want to be with anyone else but each other. We have been together for so long its just fun to have a crush I guess. Lol. We love each other, so it is so different from a crush, such a different feeling and meaning, ya know?
Post # 12
Completely normal (: As long as it doesn’t go any further than a crush it’s fine. You’ll probably have other crushes throughout your life, it’s natural and the feelings will eventually pass.