(Closed) Crushed and need advice

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@pharlap:  I don’t know what I would do, but I think it depends on what you want for the future. Do you see yourself staying with him? Does he see staying with you? If not, I wouldn’t continue, if yes, why won’t he propose? Is there a past issue that is haunting him?

Also, why is it that you have “emotionally disconnected” twice in less than 6 months? It seems there might be a bigger issue that you need to work through.

 

Overall, I would re-evaluate your priorities. What do you want? What does he want? I would look at the entire relationship, how you feel and what you want, as a whole and go from there.

Post # 4
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

@pharlap:

  I mean, how clearer can you get than “nail in the coffin”..?!

 

Run!

Men don’t say things like that unless they really mean it.

You are 34 years old. You are in the prime of your life. Listen to what he is saying. If you really want marriage and children, get out now! Otherwise you’ll spend (what’s left of) the best years of your life tip-toeing on eggshells and hoping that if you are on good enough behavior, you’ll be rewarded with a hard-earned proposal.

I have been there and done that when I was your age, and I would give anything if I could go back in time and get those years back. Don’t be stupid like I was… don’t put up with this garbage! I don’t care how nice he is to you otherwise… if he’s telling you that the argument was the nail in the coffin and there’s no way he’s proposing anytime soon, meanwhile living with you/sleeping with you *as if* you were married, essentially he is keeping you “off the market” while refusing to commit to you — that is 14 carat gold plated B.S.

You asked what I would do if I were in your shoes? I would pull out of the relationship. I would leave him and not let the door hit my rear end.

 

Post # 5
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@pharlap:  ask yourself what you want, need and deserve in a relationship.  does he pass?  if you hesitate at all, don’t waste your time.  i’ve been there and it took me years to figure that out.  it’s hard to make the change when we are all so comfortable but it’s so worth it in the end.

Post # 6
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@pharlap:  I think what you’re feeling is perfectly legitimate. If he had said “nail in the coffen” in relation to marriage I would have taken that as a sign the relatsionship was over. I’m not saying that yours is, but it does sound like he’s taking a step back. I think you really should talk to him and explain that you are ready for a serious commitment like marriage and you want to know what’s going on in his head. 

I understand fighting about trivial things, but saying he wants to end it because of that fight? There’s more going on than he’s letting on. 

 

Post # 7
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Why don’t you bring it up with him? We all say things we don’t mean sometimes. Maybe he has changed his mind. You should at least have a calm conversation with him about where you see the relationship going before you break up with him.

Post # 8
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

If you plan to continue this relationship, I would recommend counseling.  His comments were not kind, and I’d be worried for you to continue in this relationship as it is today.  His comments, if they continue, will undermine your relationship and your emotional health.  You deserve better than that.

Post # 13
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

I have a friend who is going through this EXACT same thing right now. My heart breaks for her every day. I always tell her to make sure she is true to herself with her priorities. If she wants a wedding and babies, then she better know she is NOT getting it from her current Boyfriend or Best Friend of six years, who wont propose, and she is also almost 38 now.

Here is the thing: couples fight. This is normal, and healthy. So for him to say that he would have proposed if you didn’t have a fight…tells me he is definitely thinking about it, but scared as heck! It has been a long time since his first rmarriage, BUT you have to think about your needs too.

If you want babies, can he even have them?

When would you like to be married?

What are his views on marriage and yours?

I think for NOW, the iron is too hot, so let it cool off for a bit and dont withdraw. Do feel you resolve arguments effectively or do they sort of fester for a few days?  In the meantime, I think you should gather your thoughts and write down a clear and concise map of what you want in your life, from your relationship with him and then open up a conversation with him asking about his life goals, his future, and where he sees the two of you now(once things have cooled). I would also tell him how upset you were to hear him say the nail in the coffin remark, and that you need to know if he meant it. Wait for him to respond.

You need to have this talk with him, and know for sure that he wasn’t just venting nd if so, to tell him that it hurt immensely to threaten your future like that. If you are convinced he is not interested in marriage, no need to withdraw or play games here, honestly, just tell him that you want marriage eventually and if he doesn’t then you are leaving him and then leave.

There are plenty of guys who are marriage material and minded, maybe this guy isn’t the one? Only you know, and please give him the chance to discuss this with you. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He’s been single for a long time, are you sure that he wants to be married at all or is he feeling pushed? You have to want the same things. It does sound as though he’s dangling a carrot to get you in line. He should want to marry you period. No when you act like this or don’t act like that I think maybe I’ll marry you. I hate to say he’s wasting your time but it just sounds like your not on the same page about marriage. Maybe you have to decide do you want to be married or do You want to be with him? He should just come out and tell you what he wants!

Post # 15
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t know. Reading through your responses you seem to be on the defensive and really trying to sell us on the fact that this guy is great and he does love you. If I find myself having to convince myself, or others, of something — usually it means something is not right. 

@Andr0meda:  said it right. I would leave. You are going to waste your youth on this older man who has zero sense of urgency to move forward with your relationship. What a shame for you! She was also right when she said that you cannot be in a relationship where you constantly try to avoid arguments so you can be rewarded with a proposal (maybe) someday. That is no way to live. 

I would consider counseling or I would consider leaving, unless you are okay with always being a second priority. 

Post # 16
Member
8884 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I feel badly for you, this situation sucks. Honestly though, if a petty argument like that is going to cause him to want to break up, then he’s an idiot. Couples argue, makeup and move on. He’s 49 but it sounds like he needs to grow up.

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