- 6 years ago
This is my first ever post on Weddingbee – you all give really good advice and I could really use some right now.
I’ve been with my Boyfriend or Best Friend for 2+ years now. I’m 34 this year, he’s 49. Two days ago we got into an argument (it started over something trivial – map-reading while driving) which ended in him saying that he would have proposed just after New Year’s this year, but that an argument we had near the end of our short NY vacation was the “nail in the coffin”. He also said that after our argument two days ago he had the thought that we were “done”, and said “so no, at the moment I don’t want to (get married).” Other reasons also involve practical issues over where to live in the future, etc. Although it stung to hear these words, in a certain sense I also felt relieved to finally hear his thoughts. He had earlier set a time in July to discuss the future, and has always been quite cagey about the topic.
Later on the same day we had this argument, I was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends. Somehow I managed to get it together and act happy, and my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I actually had a really, really good time. Bad as the latest argument sounds, he treats me really well, tells me several times a day that he loves me, and all my friends tell me how much he adores me. He is handsome, faithful, intelligent and fun. We’ve also been living together for over 1 year – he asked me to move in. I’ve never been married, he got divorced 20 years ago (no kids) so that’s not an issue.
Anyhow. I’m spending a few days at home with my mom and now the excitement of being a bridesmaid has worn off, what he said during the argument is starting to sink in and my heart is aching. I’ve never loved anyone else so much, and though we do have the odd disgreement (we’re both quick-tempered), I thought things had gotten so much better in the last 9 months.
I don’t know what to do anymore.. Hearing the man you love tell you he doesn’t want to marry you (even if it’s “right now”) is hard to hear. I have the feeling he loves me enough to “come around”, but I really don’t want to presume anything nor pressure him.
My first instinct is to start withdrawing from the relationship. I mean, how clearer can you get than “nail in the coffin”..?! Or maybe I should wait until July / August? He took me out for drinks last night and mentioned he had booked a week’s vacation time in late August for a break for just the two of us (which I can’t make anyway due to a new job).
I’m not sure what to do. I know that he loves me. But I feel so heartbroken and humiliated with his words ringing in my ears. It’s making me re-think why I want to get engaged to him in the first place..I think if he were to propose to me now, my first reaction would be one of anger for making me feel so low / putting me on an emotional rollercoaster. Funnily enough, at New Year’s (when he wanted to propose) I felt the same way – I have no idea why he thought we were close enough for a proposal when I was emotionally disconnecting from him).
It also doesn’t help that the day I got back from being one friend’s bridesmaid, my other close friend told me that she’d just gotten engaged. While I’m happy for her, I also feel worse about my own situation and can’t even tell her about what happened because I don’t want to tarnish her happiness.
If you were in my position what would you do..?