Post # 1
Just got off the phone with my Boyfriend or Best Friend. He had called me to say good night. I told him that I love him but really having a hard time lately with the whole long distance thing. (Miss him alot on the days I don’t see him, etc). He said something like “Don’t worry. You and DD(my daughter) & I can move over to my new place in 3 or 4 weeks”. (He just bought a new property). Now, he has always known that I’d strongly prefer to be engaged prior to living together. Not so much for religious reasons but more just my own personal preference, mostly because I don’t want to put my Dirty Delete in a situation where we’re living together like a “family” unless and until we’ve already made the decision to actually become a family via engagement & marriage. So, after that comment he made about us moving in with him I said “That sounds great, but we’re not engaged yet”. He then said something like “Okay. We’ll well get engaged first then and then have you guys move in with me”. At first, I was SO happy when he said it, and he was being all sweet and loving. Then, I can’t remember exactly what I said next (honestly since I’m tired right now), but then he said something along the lines of how he doesn’t really have a choice because he knows I’d rather be engaged before we move in together. I then told him if you are going to propose, I want you to do it because you’re totally in love with me and not just because you feel obligated to. He then basically said that obviously he has to make a decision soon because he “knows” that if he doesn’t propose soon that I won’t even be talking to him anymore, and he said he definitely doesn’t want that to happen. I reiterated that I wouldn’t want him to propose out of obligation, and he said that no it would be because he loves me, etc. I told him he didn’t sound too happy about it and even sounded a bit resentful, and he told me that everything is fine and that he didn’t sound enthused just because he’s really tired right now. I also said that since he said he has a decision to make that now I’m really worried that maybe he’ll decide to break up with me instead of proposing, and he was all like “No. That’s not going to happen. I will propose”, but again he didn’t sound very happy about it. Hopefully that was just because he was all tired, but I can’t help but worry.
So, now I’m crying and feeling really sad because he made it sound like maybe he actually IS planning on proposing soon, but based on some of the stuff he said I’m kind of worried that if he does propose soon I might worry and wonder did he REALLY want to get engaged and marry me. or did he do it just out of obligation and because he felt that it was “the lesser of two evils” (i.e. not being able to talk to me anymore). By the way, I NEVER said I would break up with him and/or stop talking to him if he didn’t propose really soon, although to be honest I have said stuff before to let him know that I’m really starting to wonder if he’s sincere that we’re getting engaged soon or if he’s maybe just stringing me along until something “better” comes along.
I would be thrilled if he does propose soon, but my excitement of course would be at least somewhat lessened if I feel like I have reason to believe that maybe he asked me before he felt truly ready, etc.
When I talk to him again tomorrow do you guys think I should say anything to him about this? If so, any suggestions on what to say?
Post # 3
I think you are over analyzing and you are both tired. I think you should not bring it up. I think you should leave it alone. He will propose to you. He wants you to move in and you have made it clear to him already what needs to happen before you move in. Let him have some space to put a proposal plan in order. If you keep bringing it up, he will just feel pressured and get stressed out.
Post # 4
Oh honey 🙁 don’t be so upset… I’m sure you just read into it a little too much, I always overanalyze things my fiance say.. and I still do it. We’ve been engaged four months, and I still have fights with him and we talk about breaking up (mostly just because I think he deserves someone better,but he always tells me off haha), but I know we never will.
You are probably both really tired, and I know firsthand that EVERYTHING is more upsetting when I’m tired, and sometimes getting some sleep and talking in the morning can be better. My sweetie and I sometimes just fight more if we’re tired, or misread each other.
It sounds like he really does want to propose and marry you, but he wants it to be done right, he may have seemed hesitant because getting engaged is a huge step for people, especially guys. It takes a relationship to a whole new level of commitment, and though we all talk about it casually while dating, once it actually happens it’s like “Oh my gosh, I’m actually getting married?!” It’s a weird, but amazing feeling and it takes some getting used to.
He may be thinking real serious about it..and when guys think, they aren’t very talkative.
honey I’m sure it will all work out.
Post # 5
I think that he loves you and is just a guy. Guys say dumb things are too blunt.
Yes…fact is that he doesn’t have a choice…if he wants to be with you..he “has” to propse. I mean..if he wants to live with you…then he has to be engaged. And He is just a dumb boy and SAID that. If he was smarter he would have JUST said that it was cause he loved you.. .but he’s a guy and was not being well spoken
Don’t over analyze is and don’t fight with him because he isn’t saying things “jjust right”. Just focus on what he feels and not his exact wording
Post # 6
I agree with spraguebride…
He really doesn’t have a “choice” as such. Yes, he’d like to live with you but he feels that maybe you’ve drawn a line saying “No further without a ring” and that’s basically that. He’s being pragmatic, not romantic.
Look, he loves you and cares enough for you to ask you to share his daily life with you and your daughter. I think if you let go of the fact that maybe the proposal wouldn’t be this superbly grand champagne and roses and fireworks affair, then things are gonna be okay. (And who knows? Maybe it might be…)
He’s doing things the way you wanted them to be done, and he figures that would make you happy, so he’s going to propose if it means you will be a part of world permanently. Let it lie, and don’t bring up the subject AT ALL unless he actually comes out and asks your opinion directly. Its obviously a sensitive subject for both of you and you guys should just sleep on it for a while.
Post # 7
Yep, spraguebride is right. Don’t worry. Waiting to get engaged is a very emotional time. The uncertainty can be killer.
Post # 8
hi cute u havnt said how long u guys have been togther or maybe i just havnt read ur previous post.i kn u love him and am sure he loves u.where this may all be fine .if moving is an issue for u bcus of dd and he might not be actually ready yet.just maybe do one week in a month at his house.maybe he might need to test the situation to figure out if this s really what he wants which i am sure he;ll end up love having a family around maybe then he might actually get his act togther.the last thing u want is to have him propose then not be able to set a date.cus u kn the nxt question u’ll have is whats the date and if he did it to appease u rather than being really ready it will only lead to heartache and god forbid u might want to move out.i think that would be even more tramatic to dd that spending a week or so a month.
Post # 9
You could be over analyzing it, or you could be right. Either way, I would just let it go and see what happens tommorrow. Since it isn’t an obligation right now to be engaged, I would just let it go until HE brings it up again. If he brings up moving in with him again, you won’t need to repeat you being engaged again because he already knows that’s how you feel.
I wouldn’t get too upset over it though. But you sound just like me…I’m a thinker. You’ll have to let us know what happens again.
Post # 10
You should just let things happen and stop over-analyzing it. It could be there is a lot of mixed messages (men and women don’t communicate the same). I’m sure he wants to propose and he may feel like he can’t win either way because you just may be assuming he is only doing it out of obligation. Sometimes us women think to much lol – it will happen and it will be because he wants too.
Post # 11
Thanks so much for your input everyone. I’m feeling alot better right now which has alot to do with the advice & input that you guys gave me.
I’ve noticed that when my Boyfriend or Best Friend & I do argue, it seems 9 times out of 10 it will happen late at night when we’re both way overtired. So, I’m thinking having any sort of even remotely serious talk when it’s late at night is probably a recipe for disaster, and we really need to get out of the habit of doing that. I must admit alot of times these late night conversations will be initiated by me, but sometimes he brings them up too.
Post # 12
Its ok. 🙂 Take some deep breaths and relax! No, I wouldn’t say anything to him about it. I wouldn’t press the subject anymore becuase it could cause an unecesary fight and make you feel worse. I don’t believe he would propose to you and want you to come live with him and be a “family” unless he really felt that and was in love with you. I think you are looking to deep into it and his tone of voice. You are both tired and its hard to be enthusiastic about something when you are worn out. get a good nights sleep, and start fresh tomorrow! You know he loves you, and he wouldn’t want to take these big steps with you if he didn’t love you or really want to.
Post # 13
Thanks Rosie Girl. What you said made alot of sense. I think you’re right that he wouldn’t take these big steps with me if he didn’t really want to or wasn’t truly in love with me, especially because he has a tendency to be pretty stubborn. No guy likes to be told what to do, but I think that’s ESPECIALLY true with my Boyfriend or Best Friend. So if and when he does propose (hopefully WHEN), then I guess I really can feel confident that he actually really wants to marry me and have a family with me.