(Closed) Cultural Differences and the Rehearsal Dinner

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Yes–the rehearsal dinner has been one of the most stressful parts of this process. The planning for the dinner transformed my relationship with my future Mother-In-Law from "girlfriends" to her telling my Fiance that I don’t know her well enough to speak to her the way that I do (because I sent her an email that began "Hey"). We haven’t spoken.

I’ve stayed out of the Rehearsal Dinner from that point. Fiance and I originally wanted something really casual where all our friends could come since it’s being held in BK–we wanted to do a picnic in the park–bring food from our fave restaurant, bring lots of blankets and have a good time. Future Mother-In-Law said she would give us money for the Rehearsal Dinner. She lives in Atlanta so we were going to plan. She said no to the picnic–she wanted a dinner, people to dress up. And she’s paying so we said fine. Next, the guest list–she invited the wedding party without significant others–including the flower girl and ring bearer MINUS their parents! We said guests need to be invited plus SOs and/or parents and she wasn’t happy with that (especially because ringbearer is FI’s little brother–dad’s son with new woman).

Finally–I found a nice place for the dinner that was within her guidelines (inside, near clean bathrooms, can have a seated dinner) and she still wasn’t happy. So I’ve bowed out and let my Fiance handle his mother–he thinks she’s acting crazy–I think it was fine and she could be my "girlfriend" when we were just Boyfriend or Best Friend and Girlfriend, but now that I will be his wife she thinks I’m taking charge of his life. He’s in charge of Rehearsal Dinner and suddenly she’s okay with it being in the space I picked.

I have no idea how it’s going to go…but I’m staying out of it. I’m pretty sad about the relationship thing because we’ve always been really familial with each other, have emailed back and forth (and she’s written Hey to me and I have in the past frequently), we’ve had hour-long conversations, just her and I when she comes to visit and then she tells Fiance that "I don’t know her like that and I’m not her friend."

Yogigal, I’m sure it will be fun, maybe you could talk to your family and give them a bit of a warning before the RD?

Post # 4
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I have never been to a Rehearsal Dinner either and for some reason I have an impulse to have one.  I am Latina and we (or at least my family and my FI’s family) have never attended one.  We plan having a small dinner with only the Bridal party attending and our immediate family but something simple and low key.  I figure we are already spending so much money for the wedding that what’s the whole things about doing both in a large scale.  Good luck with your family.

Post # 5
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

lol we should start a club!

 

My fmil ASKED me what I wanted when she offered to host the rd. I told her casual bbq or pizza so lots of oot guests could come (we are having an almost destination wedding and 90% of the guests are oot family or bridal party).

I said about 35 mandatory with bridal party and their family, but possibly 50-60 with oot guests. She said ok.

So then next time we chat she is talking about catering and renting a golf course (my thought- that will be expensive for so many people but she has money so if she wants it to be fancy whatever)

 then the other day she texts me and wants a count. So I gave her the list. And I also told her in the email that not everyone invited will come, this is just the list with oot guests.

What you are about to read is pasted from my email

“I’m concerned about the size of the rehearsal dinner. We discussed and I agreed to 25 , then it went to 40, now it is 69. That’s 72% of the wedding attendees… With that many people I can’t fit them all at my home and will need to rent a facility. Then that means that I will need to cater the event rather than providing food and drinks at home. I’m not really comfortable with the costs associated with an event of that size.”

I suck at passive agressive games so i just said no problem we’ll host.

she hasn’t spoken to me since. She did however forward the email to my Fiance (who replied we decided together to host) and she told him that she thinks since she is paying she will only pay if she can throw the kind of party she wants and invite who she wants. So he told her – that’s why we’ll host.

She now hates me a lot. if i stop posting suddenly tell the cops to check her backyard.

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well, since they are hosting the Rehearsal Dinner, I think you only option is to accept it as a lovely, fancy, and a little bit "stuffy" perhaps party. Just give YOUR family the heads up that your FI’s family is throwing a really formal Rehearsal Dinner. This will be a common thing in your life if your Fiance is from a well to-do family and it’s better just to go with the flow than it is to fight it. THis sounds silly, but my mom is from an average family and my dad is from a stuffier, classically southern family. We had Christmas dinners that were served on real china and we wore our best outfits and it was insanely formal. At my FI’s famliy Christmas, we have beer and wear jeans. Go with the flow, you’re controlling the wedding adn I feel like the Rehearsal Dinner is the one thing that I was so happy to just go "blah, you do it" because I have enough on my plate already. Your family will be fine. They’ll probably roll their eyes and comment behind your back about hwo your new family in law is so showy, but you probably already know that anyways! I don’t think it’s worth making waves for. It’ll be fun, regardless, and the food will probably be exceptional.

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