(Closed) Culture Clashes in the Wedding–What's your story?

posted 4 years ago in East Asian
Post # 2
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

I feel you on the whole “the wedding isn’t for the couple, it’s for the family” thing. My parents have told me multiple times that my opinion doesn’t matter past superficial details like flowers and clothes, that they’re being generous to let me have a say even in those things, and to just shut up and let the “adults” decide everything else because it’s not really about me or my Fiance (I’m 28, btw). Not Chinese, but also from an Asian culture. It’s the mentality I guess, and in my experience, women who are from Asian families but grow up in Western culture have a lot of clashes with their parents over independent decision-making. Super frustrating 🙁 but the silver lining is that my parents are equally traditional in the sense of paying for everything, so can’t really complain!

Post # 3
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

Is it possible to have 2 ceremonies? That’s what we’ll be doing. My Fiance is from South India and was raised Hindu. His parents were very hesitant to accept me at first. Now they accept that we are getting married but will not attend our traditional Western wedding which will take place in my home town. FI’s dad has offered to pay for a Hindu ceremony so we are going to have both. 

Post # 4
Member
7669 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Oh hellz yes. I am from a very Christian family and my Fiance is Jewish (not from the US either). His parents said they won’t come if it’s in a church (we had already decided it wouldn’t be, but still, christ! no pun intended.) My parents have finally accepted that the wedding won’t be in a church, but they are pressuring me to have a Christian officiant. Fiance wants the ceremony to be totally secular and have one of our friend’s officiate. FI’s parents want there to be a rabbi. I kinda want to have a friend officiate, but invite both a priest and a rabbi to give blessings or something, just to kind of throw both our families a bone.

I mentioned in another thread that I just started going to therapy……..this is part of why! fml lol

Post # 5
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

BF’s family is more opinionated than mine.  The problem with growing up in a Western culture is that there will be definite culture clashes. Even though both bf and I are Asian, we want to pay for our own wedding. We also want to have our guests have fun, too. We however also want our parents involved by letting them invite relatives, their people and honestly the people that bf and I want to invite are not even 1/3.

With that said I’d still want to control some other aspects of the wedding such as the decorations, up lighting, etc.! Haha while I still can… It can be hard being a first generation, since I honestly feel that the wedding is for the couple.  But in Asian cultures, the wedding is for the family, relatives and family  friends. 

Best of luck to you. I hope that you guys find that compromise! 

Post # 6
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

tiffanybruiser:  I hope the therapy helps!! Please feel free to come to these threads. It’s actually quite helpful to hear other experiences as well as also talk about our feelings. 

Post # 7
Member
333 posts
Helper bee

 for chinese, the groom pays. LOL 

 my husband is 3rd gen jap/korean white washed american. 

My mom, she moved to canada ,  knew my dad was paying but we had to explain it to him. They are divorced and my dad stayed chinese. 

we are having one wedding ( western) and maybe a reception in china when I go back in the summer. 

Post # 12
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

FantasticFawn:  Holy crap, I think you hit the nail on the head! I realized that was exactly how my in laws were/are thinking! I’ve literally had my Mother-In-Law yell at me that I’m the “child” and she’s the “adult” so I need to listen to her which is just unbelievable to me.

I think unfortunately you’re going to have to keep calm, stay polite and civil as much as humanly possible. As the parents are all chipping in, they’ve got some say in it if they are financially vested. The best way is to probably talk to your own parent, like if your parents are giving you guys trouble, then you should talk to them and vice versa with your  FI’s parents. I know Asian parents can be INCREDIBLY stubborn and difficult, but there’s also a saying that no parent ever wins against their kid (in Korean at least). 

I’m going through something similar, a massive cultural clash with my in laws, they are very traditional and Korean and old fashioned. They’ve made some incredible demands and have done what would be incredibly rude and plain horrible in the western culture to me personally, at my work place, etc. I also realized the biggest change was their expectations and attitude towards me once we were going to get married, they went from nice, chill, friendly parents of my bf to rude, negative, condescending, and pretty much insane in laws. It’s a pretty shocking and difficult adjustment to make. When I posted about my dilemma I got some really good advice on this thread, hope this helps! 

E-Party Drama and Future Mother-In-Law telling me "don't bother DH" with "these things" (vent)

Post # 13
Member
3473 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My husband and I are from different, but similar cultures so I didn’t expect any clashes. However, there were a couple. Some of the issues we had (especially between myself and my MIL) were passed off as “cultural misunderstandings” but in reality, I think they were just personality issues. For example, my Mother-In-Law showed up to our bridal suite (a 3 bedroom penthouse in which we hosted our welcome party) at midnight one night with a duffel bag full of uncooked food and told (not asked) me that she would be leaving all this food at our place overnight so that she could come over the next day to cook it. When I asked…uhhh, why do you need to cook this food at all [we provided and hosted all meals for our guests each day leading up to the wedding], let alone in our bridal suite [her suite had a kitchen as well] I was informed that it’s a “tradition.” Yeah no. Sorry. We’re not paying $600/night for you to inconvenience us by coming over and cook for your friends (and have the whole place smelling like wild meat for the rest of the weekend). Plus I’m pretty sure you just invented this “tradition” because our place was nicer and she preferred to be there. Throughout the planning process, I had no problem turning down these types of things.

Also, in my MIL’s family (though I doubt this is a rule in her culture overall) a Mother-In-Law is considered like an authority figure to a DIL. And it’s understood that I’m supposed to consult her about such things as what house we’re planning to buy or where we’d like to send our kids to school. Once we skyped her while on vacation and she pouted about not having been told that we were going away in advance. Umm, I’m grown. Moving right along.

Post # 14
Member
4073 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I have no advice but I saw you’re getting married at the Liberty house which is gorgeous! We looked there as a potential venue for our wedding as well. Sorry to thread jack 😊

Post # 15
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Would you be able to do both? Have the western wedding but also do something traditional that your family would enjoy/appreciate?

The topic ‘Culture Clashes in the Wedding–What's your story?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors