(Closed) Curious about the bee's opinions on this!

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Was her family rude, or are they justified?
    Yes, they are justified.. if Christmas is for close family only, then so be it. : (7 votes)
    3 %
    Well, its ok if Christmas is for just family only, but once the invite was extended it should stay. : (52 votes)
    19 %
    No, its' kind of odd that they are so against the gf joining... kind of rude how they acted! : (63 votes)
    23 %
    I would be thinking about leaving the bf, I don't know that I could deal with a family like that. : (49 votes)
    18 %
    I would still stay with the bf and see if it gets better later : (20 votes)
    7 %
    The bf should stand by his families' decision : (3 votes)
    1 %
    The bf should stand up for his gf if she's important to him : (84 votes)
    30 %
  • Post # 18
    Member
    9819 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Well it says a lot about the bfs family, which I’d be a little worried about if I was the gf and they acted this way.  I don’t know if I’d break up with him right then, but if it kept happening (that he didn’t stand up to them) then I obviously would leave.

    I went home with Darling Husband for Christmas 3 months after we met, no problems.

    Post # 19
    Member
    3183 posts
    Sugar bee

    Super sticky situation! I can see both sides, but when it comes to it, she was already invited and it was terribly rude to uninvite her. I honestly would not be able to look at my boyfriend the same way again and would be a bit awkward around the family. Walls would definitely go up. I wouldn’t break up with him immediately though but I would be very hurt.

    Post # 20
    Member
    10650 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    @Sunnyday278:  It’s sad that this is what Christmas is turning into.  There’s a cultural tradition based on religion of having an extra place setting at the table.  It’s to be prepared in case someone in need of a place at Christmas is welcomed.

    Post # 21
    Member
    530 posts
    Busy bee

    Tough situation.  Honestly, I would want him to stand up to his family but maybe not in the way that most people are thinking.  If he tries to convince them to invite her and they give, there’s a high possibility that mass awkwardness will ensue.  Can you imagine being at a Christmas celebration, making small talk with two people that you KNOW did not want you there?  Mega uncomfortable.

    However, I think he should take at least part of that day and choose to spend it with his girlfriend.  Tell the family “Look, I invited her because I thought it was fine and now she has no way to get to her own family for Christmas.  This is my fault and I will take responsibility.  I need to fix it.  I love you all, but I will be spending this Christmas with her.” 

    Post # 22
    Member
    2704 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Boyfriend or Best Friend should have checked with the family first, but the family should have absolutely, 100% extended the invite.  I think it’s crappy the Boyfriend or Best Friend didn’t stand up to his family.  If my family pulled that shit, you better believe they’d get an ear-full AND I’d probably opt to spend the day with my SO and not family.  I cannot condone this type of rude behavior nor let someone I care about spend the day alone.

     

    I can only think of 2 motives for the sister’s reaction:

     

    1. Boyfriend or Best Friend is the kind of person who when his Girlfriend is around, focuses ONLY on the Girlfriend and ignores everyone else.   I friends that are like this and it drives me nuts.  So if that’s the case, I can understand why the sister would be less than thrilled.  However, the correct solution would be to address the situation with the Boyfriend or Best Friend and make it clear that one doesn’t mind that his Girlfriend comes, he just needs to also make an effort to visit with family and not just the Girlfriend.  Uninviting someone is not the way to go.

     

    2. The sister is an AW and is afraid of the new Girlfriend stealing some spotlight.  There was a post a while ago about a girl who didn’t want her Brother-In-Law to propose to his Girlfriend at Christmas (which she was hosting) because she wanted the day to be just about Christmas.  It turns out the OP was worried that everyone would focus on the engagement and no one would help her cook and the party would be ruined.  So it could be something similar.  The sister might be worried that people would focus too much on the new Girlfriend and not enough on other things.

     

     

     

    Post # 23
    Member
    3400 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I don’t think I could stay with a guy who would allow his family to do this to me. IMO, dating is the trial period for marriage, & if he can’t treat me with respect (& demand his family treat me with respect) during the dating phase, then I wouldn’t trust such a man in marriage.

    I understand the family’s position to some degree, but once the invitation was extended, then they should be respectable enough not to rescind the offer. That’s just very rude.

     

     

    Post # 24
    Member
    409 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    4 months is kind of quick for an invite to Christmas dinner in my opinion, but the family’s response is a bit mean. Perhaps if I was the family I’d say no to the dinner, but yes to coming afterwards when the day starts to chill out and people are slobbing out on the sofa etc. 

    I experienced a kind of similar thing with a wedding – I was invited with my Fiance to one of his friend’s weddings, and then uninvited two months before their day because they’d miscalculated numbers and couldn’t fit me and about 10 other people in. I was pretty hurt and to this day I’m still a bit iffy with it all, but I haven’t seen them since so its not been a problem with awkwardness… though saying that I get married in 9 days and they’re invited to our day…

    Post # 25
    Member
    510 posts
    Busy bee

    There are sooo many factors we don’t know.

    Did the sister know the gf had been invited prior to when she got upset about it? Aka did the boyfriend invite the relatively new gf without informing his family?

    Has the boyfriend done this with a string of girlfriends in the past? Is the family tired of it?

    Is the family really tight knit?

    Has the boyfriend told them bad things about the girlfriend? 

    How old are those involved?

     

    Post # 26
    Member
    1332 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Ok, four months into a relationship is not a prolonged amount of time, so I guess the sister throwing a tantrum about it being only ‘family’ is her perogative, albeit immature.  But, what if it was a situation where the Boyfriend or Best Friend only got to see his family at Christmas, due to travels/distance, what have you, and it is a year and four months into their relationship (making it more ‘long term)…what would the stance be then?  That it is still ONLY for ‘family’?!

    Does this poor girl need a ring on her finger before her attendance is acceptable?!  That is where I would be extremely hurt!!  IF he wants to bring her, it probably means he really really likes her, and thinks it is going somewhere, or else an invitation to be anywhere with the family would be null and void (at least that is my take, because random men do not get to meet my family!)

    He needs to speak up to, or against his family.  Quite frankly, if my family were being so ridiculous, I would probably make a stance that without my SO in attendance, I will not be either.  

    Post # 27
    Member
    305 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I would be more then understanding if say they got together like a week before Christmas, but since it kinda seems like they’ve been together for awhile before Christmas, I find it kind of rude. I mean if they are making a huge stink about her coming for Christmas then they probably don’t want much to do with her. I find it wrong that her boyfriend didn’t stand up for her or try to make the situation better. I know there is always three sides to every story his, hers, and the truth. For their sake I hope they could work something out.

    Post # 28
    Member
    12246 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Unless the Boyfriend or Best Friend is too young to know better (I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say anything under 25, since boys tend to be clueless), I think it’s AWFUL that he just laid down and gave in!

    If his MOTHER had said “Honey, I want this to be a family holiday”, I could see that being different. But his SISTER had the issue first, and the whole family cow-towed to her. That’s NOT a family dynamic you want to marry into…

    I would think about meeting a new guy!

    Post # 30
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @Sunnyday278:  My mom did not let my now Fiance come over to eat dinner for my birthday with us the first year we were together  as well as christmas a month later because we had only been together for a little while and now my moms favorite child is absolutely my Fiance hahaha they are very close. My mom has a lot of traditions she is fiercely protective of and she did the same thing with my brothers gf and christmas their first year of dating. Once she sees the relationship is serious she lets people in with open arms. So for me, I get where the Boyfriend or Best Friend family is coming from but it should have been handled by the Boyfriend or Best Friend asking way in advance so the Girlfriend could make other plans. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    120 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I would never leave someone alone on Christmas! That’s really terrible of them and NOT in the Christmas spirit at all. Yes, Christmas is about family but it is also about being kind and giving and to leave this poor girl all alone is absolutely awful. That said Boyfriend or Best Friend should 100% have asked before inviting her because it is rude to spring an extra guest on the host, but the family should not have turned her away.

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