(Closed) Curious about the bee's opinions on this!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Was her family rude, or are they justified?

    Yes, they are justified.. if Christmas is for close family only, then so be it.

    Well, its ok if Christmas is for just family only, but once the invite was extended it should stay.

    No, its' kind of odd that they are so against the gf joining... kind of rude how they acted!

    I would be thinking about leaving the bf, I don't know that I could deal with a family like that.

    I would still stay with the bf and see if it gets better later

    The bf should stand by his families' decision

    The bf should stand up for his gf if she's important to him

  • Post # 32
    Member
    1409 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I think it’s really screwed up, poor girl, and that one of the things Christmas should be about is hospitality. The worst part is being uninvited so late. Maybe the bf screwed up, but his family should have just gone along with it. I don’t necessarily think I’d break up with him over it, but I’m lucky Fiance has a very welcoming family. 

    I invited my now-fiancé to Christmas when it was less than 3 months after our first date. I don’t remember if I asked my parents first or not, but my family is generally a laid back, more the merrier type. And everyone was veey welcoming towards him. He was raised Jewish, and I was really excited to share Christmas with him, and I did everything I could to make sure his first Christmas was wonderful, and he loves it 🙂

    This was also in my hometown, 400 miles away from where we live, so I flew up a week before and he drove up on Christmas Eve, and basically met my entire family all at once.

    Post # 33
    Member
    9829 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I could see if this was someone he was casually dating or had gone out just a few times with, but 4 months is enough time to be pretty serious. If my family ever tried to pull that stunt I’d tell them that’s their choice but I will be spending the day with my SO instead.

    I don’t think I would even consider dating someone who’s family wouldn’t invite me over until there was a ring on my finger. I’m sorry but you’re going to have to deal with these people for a loooooong time, and I’d want to get to know them before making a lifetime commitment.

    Post # 34
    Member
    11517 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    FH and I had been together for about 6 months when I first met his family – all of them, at mothers day brunch.

    That summer, when they found out I wasn’t able to go home for Christmas I was immediately invited to spend it with them.

    In this situation, if the invite was already extended (and approved by BF’s mother/person hosting BF & GF) then the invite should have stood.  IF everyone agreed that Girlfriend shouldn’t come, and she can’t make arrangements to see her own family and is now spending Christmas alone, BF should have offered to stay behind and spend Christmas with his Girlfriend.

    Post # 35
    Member
    1007 posts
    Bumble bee

    @Sunnyday278:  Christmas is a great time for family but it is not ABOUT family! What about letting this poor girl spend the holidays with someone she is close to and his family? What about wanting your family to be happy (i.e. letting your son/brother bring his gf)?

    If they aren’t welcoming now I’d leave, how awkward will it be when you’ve been together 2 years and NOW you’re finally *allowed* to attend family functions. Wtf?

    Post # 36
    Member
    8434 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Doesn’t seem like a very Christ-like thing to do on Christmas.  If I were her I’d probably dump the boyfriend on general principle.

    Post # 37
    Member
    9541 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think the family is being very un-welcoming, which I don’t like. But the real screw up is the guy. He either doesn’t know how to navigate social/familial relationships or doesn’t know how to stand up to his sister/mom. Both of those are pretty problematic. I might give him a chance to explain things and give him another shot, but that’s pretty bad and he would definitely be on thin ice.

    Post # 38
    Member
    1882 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    In her shoes, I would reconsider a future with this guy. They really disinvited her on a whim knowing she has nowhere else to go and will be alone? They are cold people and clearly the boyfriend’s mom will always give in if the sister throws a fit. Does she really want to potentially marry into this mess?

    My family is very close-knit – people we’re not married to aren’t included in family photos, etc. But my parents are the kind of people that have always welcomed friends (even new friends) into our home with open arms. I wanted the same trait in potential future in laws and would have run like hell from a family like the one the OP writes about. Thankfully my fiance’s family has been lovely and inclusive from the minute we met.

    Post # 39
    Member
    2571 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    View original reply
    @cmbr:  +1

    I agree. If I were this girl, I would definitely break up with him. If his family is important to him (and it looks like it is b/c he is ditching her to spend Christmas with them) and that cliquey/exclusive, then I wouldn’t want any part of that down the road. Four months is still early enough to bail on a relationship without feeling too vested in it.

    Post # 41
    Member
    2546 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Who does this! That poor girl, I feel horrible for her. Christmas is supposed to be about loving, sharing, caring, and giving to others, and this family is showing none of that by excluding her knowing she has no-where else to go and will be all alone on christmas day. How they could even live with this knowledge is beyond my understanding. My family has always been very open and inviting to all our friends/girl/boyfriends. We are of the opinion the more the merrier, and would never exlcude someone much less someone that would otherwise be spending the holiday’s alone! I can only imagine how awkward it would be to meet them later on knowing they purposefully excluded her at what should be the most generous time of the year. I don’t know that I’d leave him for not standing up for me after only 4 months (6+months to a year dating would be totally different, but 4 months is still kind of getting used to the flow of things), but I don’t think I would be interested in any relationship with any of them after they snubbed me so obviously… 

    Post # 42
    Member
    7199 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @Sunnyday278:  coming from a family where we had a “the more the merrier” attitude I just can’t fathom this at all. I can’t remember a single holiday where it was JUST family members. We were so inclined to open our home to people that when my great aunt (family matriarch) died a family friend was there all night with us. He was originally a friend of my cousin’s girlfriend! But I remember him being at Christmas every year growing up! 

    Personally, in the same situation I would hope my bf would opt to just spend Christmas with me since he opened his big mouth before checking with his family and it was therefore his fault I had waited too long to go see my own family. 

    Post # 43
    Member
    2943 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    That situation is all sorts of terrible. I think the family has the right to make whatever rules about their get togethers, but once someone is invited, you can’t take it back. That’s horrible. Secondly, I know 4 months may not be that serious for some people, but I’m assuming there is some level of care and commitment present. The BF should have stood up for his Girlfriend on this one. Then again, perhaps it’s good that she got to see the kind of dynamic in that family before getting any deeper into the relationship. If that were me, I would be gone.

    I met my husband’s family for the first time ever at a Thanksgiving dinner. They vaguely knew he was seeing someone, but at that point they didn’t know how serious we were getting. Regardless, they welcomed me with open arms, and if they hadn’t, he wasn’t going to go without me. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    384 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Rossino Castle

    Umh.I would dump him.I can’t stand mama boys and bitchy inlaws,so that would kill any rrelationship for me.

    Post # 46
    Member
    1953 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Yikes :/ I started dating my husband just after Christmas so I didn’t have to deal with this, but I made a point to get to know my in-laws early on. Within a week, I’d met his dad, his mum (they’re divorced), his older brother, his sister and her kids. Within two weeks I’d met his sister’s husband and his other brother.

    I would probably be way too hurt to want to be a part of that family. I’d leave him and start anew.

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