Post # 1
I wanted to start by saying that I don’t want anyone to think that I’m being judgemental or snarky in any way, but I am honestly curious to know why many brides (and grooms) have chosen to get married when you’re not in a position to pay for the wedding or honeymoon or are worried that your budget won’t live up to the wedding that you have envisioned?
I am engaged as well and have been reading these boards as well as other sites and have seen many posts about couples who are getting married but are having family members pay for the wedding, or have a very small budget and are discouraged. So my question is, do many of you feel that you simply must get married right away and cannot wait until you have some money saved up to pay for the wedding (or most of it) yourselves? It seems like so many couples are relying on family to contribute, but feel slightly guilty about it. I just thought I would ask….
Post # 3
- Wedding: February 2009 - Small church ceremony with mountain-view log cabin reception
In my opinion, it seems like many of the board posts are about wanting to get the most out of your dollar in this economy. It’s not that people are getting married just to get married- at least not in my case. We’ve had a very long engagement, as many women here have had. It’s given us time to reflect on the true promise we will make to ourselves and to eachother, but it’s also given us time to save money for what we want to be a celebration of love. I dont feel guilty that my parents have offered to contribute to our budget because it’s something I know they want to do. My fiance and I have set aside the additional money to meet our own expectations. Which posts have you read that state that budgets are dicouraging? Perhaps you may want to read Miss Meatball’s posts, or Miss Powder Puff’s posts (among other budget friendly bees)- they are both having budget friendly weddings and are really positive about the whole process.
Post # 4
For one, I know it an old tradition for the brides parents to pay for their daughter’s wedding. Many people stick with this and many grooms parents are generous enough to want to contribute themselves. For my fiance and I, we have a small budget, not because we couldn’t pay for a more lavish wedding, but whats the point? I personally don’t see the need in spending 50K-100K+ for one day. Yes, it is a special day to remember forever, but what is really important here? At the end of that day I get to be married to my best friend. That is what the day is all about, and I don’t feel like I have to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to attain that. Some of the most beautiful weddings I have been to have been ones with many DIY projects and a tight budget. With the economy the way it is, I also feel that it is VERY important to have a very large savings account, as well. I hope that answers your question!
Post # 5
We’re getting married now because we’re in a place where we feel like it’s the right time for us. Yes, my parents — mostly my father — are paying for the wedding, as I mentioned before; but that’s because my family is quite traditional in that way, and my parents want to give us the wedding as a gift. I’m the only daughter, and it’s important to them; I think they would be offended if we refused their help. (It’s not an extravagant wedding, by the way. It’s a small-ish, country wedding, which is exactly what we want.) My fiance and I didn’t ask my parents for any money, and we would be getting married without their assistance; we’d just be doing it differently. It’s the being married part that’s important to us, much more than the wedding. So that’s why we’re getting married now.
Post # 6
Thanks for your replies ladies!
My FIL’s and I had a conversation about why we felt like we wanted to get married when we had just bought a place together and were now settling in to jobs and having a dog etc. Their point was why did we need to spend money getting married when we were already living life like married people? I understand their point and actually find myself agreeing with them more and more.
There was an article on a site I read recently that said that in a poll, 57% of engaged couples were paying for their own wedding and 27% were paying for the majority of their wedding with a little help from parents.
I have had a long engagement so that we would be able to save the money ourselves, but neither of us has ever felt like a wedding was something important that we HAD to do for ourselves. So now we’re on the fence about it, even though we have waited all this time so that we didn’t have to ask anyone for help. We could have a pretty great savings account, buy an investment property, take a vacation and do some work around the house if we didn’t have the wedding.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I’m just trying to think it all through.
Post # 7
We are doing the wedding on our own. My FI’s parents have the funds to help us, but mine don’t and I don’t think it’s fair to ask for money from one side of the family and not the other. Also, this is a thing about US not THEM and I feel like it’s more special if it’s made possible by our hard earned savings and planning. (I totally respect those of you who can get help from parents/family though.)
And the reason why we are getting married is because 1)we both want kids soon and I want to get married prior to having kids and 2)I live and work illegally in Spain and after nearly 5 years of living here and being with my Fiance we’ve decided to finally work on getting married. In the end we’ll be doing it in the summer of ’10 because we plain and simply cannot afford to get married befor then and we don’t want to rush a wedding that we in the end aren’t satisfied with.
Let me just say, I appreciate your honesty girls and look forward to hearing why others are getting married.
Post # 8
Not everyone relies on other people to pay for their wedding.
Post # 9
We’re getting married now, on a very small budget, because we love each other, and have been waiting for years to get married. We want to be each other’s husband and wife. Like someone above said, the time is right for us. We can’t afford much, but we are going to love our wedding because it will be unique to us, what we want, and we will be happy. There will be no wishing we had waited longer so that it might’ve been more lavish, we don’t want more lavish. There won’t be any wishing we hadn’t spent our small savings instead of investing it, we won’t be out that much and we’ll start a small savings again. Yes the economy is bad, yes times are hard. But our wedding ultimately isn’t about how much it costs, it is about our marriage, and its going to be spectacular and not frustrating or discouraging at all. I mean, I guess he proposed and I said yes because we know we can make it work and have a wonderful wedding no matter our financial situation.
Post # 10
We’re getting married now because we want to make the committment to each other. We’re starting a new stage of life (grad school and career) and want to commit to doing it together, despite all of the changes that will probably occur. When we say our vows in front of our friends and family we know that we’re in it together forever, there’s more weight behind it than there would be if we just told each other that we were living together.
You can be married without spending hardly any money if you’d rather spend it on a vacation. Nothing says you have to have an extravagant wedding. But whatever you do, make sure you talk it over seriously with your fiance.
Post # 11
We are getting married next year because we’ve been together forever, will have been engaged for 2 years and it’s time. We’ve waited so I could graduate from grad school and so he could get the stable job he desired. We now own property and are in a better financial position to take on marriage and family.
With all of that said, we are fortunate enough to have parents that want to contribute to our wedding. Honestly, I don’t feel guilty about it at all. If they didn’t want to contribute or simply couldn’t contribute, we’d do a low budget wedding or go to Vegas and get married for $200. It has never been about the actual "wedding" per say. And furthermore, our wedding planning has become somewhat of a family affair. A number of the details (guest list, venue, etc.) are decisions that are being made in conjunction with the parents. (A process that has caused some conflict/compromise/etc.) But, my Fiance and I have learned to be okay with it, because after all, the parents are helping us financially. We are still on a budget with the wedding and we (as a couple) are also contributing. It’s worth it to us and our families, because we all feel like we’ve waited and deserve this day!
Post # 12
When I was 17 my parents told me that when I got engaged they would give me $10K to spend on a downpayment for a house or a wedding, this was back in 1991. Well, when I finally got engaged at 34, my Fiance and I already owned a condo, and the $10K really would not put a dent in a downpayment for a house in California. So, we decided to use it towards our wedding.
Many of us that used this site (and others) used it to plan a wedding on a budget — not because we can not afford to get married, but because we do not want to go broke doing it. Because of all of the useful information I found here (and other places) my husband and I got married in August with zero debt — not one dime of the wedding went on our credit cards. We used the money my parents gave us and money we saved to pay for it.
My husbands grandfather also contributed to the wedding — because he wanted to — it made him feel good to be a part of it, not because we needed the money.
I would like to thank all of the bees for their wonderful advice and inspiration in the planning of my debt-free wedding!
Post # 13
we didn’t want to wait, bc we will be 29 & 31 and want to start "trying" to get pregnant about 9 mos after the wedding…when I graduate with my pt time masters…want some time to enjoy just being married…
even though the economy is tough, we are actually in better shape than we’ve ever been before & are purposely keeping our budget 1/2 of our area’s average, even though my parents are giving some $ and we make pretty good $ for our age…it’s more a matter of beliefs and our personalities
Post # 14
I find it interesting (and more than a little odd) that your Future In-Laws seemingly don’t want you married to their son? You said that they are asking you "Why get married?" Are they against marrriage in some way, or just not interested in seeing you marry their son? And it is really interesting that their question seemingly is making you question your decision.
My parents, and my Mother-In-Law (FIL passed away before we got engaged) were thrilled when we told them we were getting married. By which we did not mean that we were having a big, expensive wedding, or that we expected anyone to fork over money towards anything. We intended to have a very small ceremony, immediate family and close friends only – because for us the point was just to be married. We did end up having a larger celebration, mostly because my parents really, really wanted to share the event with extended family and some of their friends. But we spent only what we decided was reasonable, and are very happy with how it worked out.
If you think that the money would be better spent on other things, then you don’t have to have a "wedding" to get married. You can go down to the courthouse, or have a small church ceremony, and have a nice open-house type reception, or just take a few friends and family to dinner.
If the issue is really that you are perfectly happy living together without a formal commitment, there is also nothing wrong with that. But living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed isn’t really like being married in a number of very important ways. If you don’t think that’s true, wonder what it would feel like to have to ask his mother if you could visit him in the hospital if he was in a car accident, or had just had emergency surgery. Or whether he would be able to put you on his insurance policy if you lost your job… There are a whole list of benefits to the legal institution. Although honestly, for us, we got married because we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and we wanted to make that commitment in front of our family and friends.
Post # 15
Okay, I’ve been married for years but wanted to respond anyway.
IMO "now" is a good time for any couple to marry if you’ve found that special person that you love, can sacrifice for and commit the rest of your life to.
Tomorrow isn’t promised so why wait? Getting married is cheap- less than $100 in GA. Weddings are an Expensive, optional event. If the point is to have a wedding, than save for years and have the wedding of your dreams. If the point is to be married, then get married.
If you don’t feel there is a difference between living together and being married, then it sounds like you do need to think about what you really want before getting married. Personally, I feel there is a huge difference and that is driven by my faith. But that’s a different discussion.
Suzanno has already listed the civic/legal reasons. But being bf/gf for 5 years, and now married for 8 years, there is such a big difference emotionally even though we were in love (obviously before marrying). Our needs & wants changed dramatically. Even what we feel is our purpose in life.
I charge more for my services than my entire wedding budget was when I got married. I would have loved to have a more extravegant wedding than I did, but it was not important enough to make me wait (we had a 6 month engagement and got married in the month between my graduating college & going active duty air force). There’s always renewal of vows.
Post # 16
I have the money to pay for our wedding myself, but I don’t want to spend that money on a wedding, I’m saving that money for a house. My mom has $15000 left over from my college money I can use in any way I want, so that’s going towards my wedding plus an extra $5000 because my dad has a frickin’ huge family and apparently we have to invite all the people I don’t even know.
Personally, I think it’s waaaay too much money to spend on one day, but the way the wedding industry is, it’s really hard to have an inexpensive wedding if you want all 200 of your family members there.