Post # 1
I am in need of some outside advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. A couple months into the relationship, I found out he was “emotionally cheating” on me. It went on for about a month before I found out. Despite the advice from friends, i decided to try to forgive him and we continued dating. He swore up and down it would not happen again etc. And so far, he has not done anything unfaithful since. Things had been going well for us (i still felt salty about the cheating but was able to put it aside mostly) until about 4 months ago when we got into an argument that turned ugly. Long story short, he is a mean fighter. It has never turned physical and i am in no way scared that it would, but he becomes very mean with his words (example, calls me a bitch, said f*** you, etc), yells… In total, he has lost his temper like this a handful of times now since we have been dating. I have never been disrespected by someone this way prior to dating him. He has so many great qualities but I just don’t know if i can get past this. He is going to therapy trying to get past some childhood issues that he feels have made him this way. But i am beginning to feel like maybe i should cut my losses. My friends think this is more than one too many strikes (taking into account the cheating too). Oftentimes I feel like i am walking on eggshells or have to act a certain way. I do love him and we have a lot in common, we have fun together, he is successful, handsome, overall a great catch… but these issues are weighing heavy on me. Are these red flags I should not ignore? He has mentioned wanting to propose once i am done with my master’s , so I just do not want to waste either of our time.
Your advice is greatly appreciated!
Post # 2
These don’t sound like issues that you need to get over or work through. They sound like real, damaging issues and I totally get why they’re weighing heavily on you. While he looks good on paper, I’m sure, the emotional cheating and mean-spirited fighting would be enough for me to immediately cut and run. You deserve much better than that. You’re absolutely right: his behavior has been very disrespectful.
Post # 3
anonymousbee2018 : I would never be in a relationship with someone who cusses at me and calls me disrespectful names. I would make anger management/therapy an automatic requirement IF you choose to move forward (I would not). Having an unfortunate past is no excuse to how he handles situations in the present.
Sometimes loving a person isn’t enough unless you can love all aspects of a person. And verbal abuse isn’t worth loving.
Post # 4
Oh man…. yeah, I would cut my losses here. Only because mean fighting isn’t something that will change without A LOT OF THERAPY to figure out WHY he does it and I am betting he isn’t the kinda person who wants to work on that part of himself. I mean, I do not know him…. I do believe people can change but not without a lot of work on their part…not yours.
Since it is still a “newish” relationship, I would bail. You do not desrve to be talked to that way. No one does.
Post # 5
Those would be dealbreakers for me. Get outta there. You deserve someone who makes you feel good and safe.
Post # 6
It seems really soon to have these kinds of issues. More will just come. I would leave and make a soild exit plan in case his verbal abuse becomes physical. Make sure some friends know your plans if it goes poorly.
Post # 7
He showed you who he was very early on and he has continued to show you who he is since.
I would never, ever stay in a relationship with someone who was mean to me. I don’t care what the fight is about or who started it or what set him off, I would absolutely NOT stay with a man who called me names and yelled at me.
Whatever these “good qualities” are that he apparently has aren’t enough to make up for the fact that he is a dick. The world is fucking FULL of men with good qualities who also happen to not be dicks – find one of them. I do not for the life of me understand why so many women insist on staying with guys who don’t treat them right! Good men aren’t THAT hard to find…
Post # 8
anonymousbee2018 : No one should speak to you that way.
The emotional cheating, verbal abuse, and the fact that you feel like your often walking on eggshells would be enough for me to move on. You deserve better, I’d get out sooner than later.
Post # 9
anonymousbee2018 : In my experience, these behaviours (name calling, degrading your partner) do not improve with time. Even with a lot of therapy and dedication, I believe slip ups could still happen. That’s his natural reaction to anger and disputes. The fact that you’re still with him after he so blatantly disrespected you is teaching him that he could get away with it again in the future.
My ex was like this, it was such a difficult relationship and remained tumultuous until the very end.
Disagreements happen, disputes happens, even fighting happens BUT respect for your partner should be maintained at all times. He didn’t just disrespect you, he took it to a whole other level.
I’m sorry bee, but this line cannot be uncrossed and I hope you will cut your losses with this one.
I honestly can’t even, you deserve so much better than this.
Post # 10
A guy who makes you feel like you are “walking on eggshells or have to act a certain way” is not “overall a great catch”.
Post # 11
glitterati : excellent point! It’s like you can’t even be yourself.
Post # 12
Oftentimes I feel like i am walking on eggshells or have to act a certain way Do you really believe a healthy, happy relationship has this in the equation bee? I’ll let you answer that yourself.
overall a great catch Uummm the emotional cheating and verbal abuse pretty much negates this statement. Everything you’ve mentioned in terms of good qualities sound pretty superficial to me bee. You need to go deeper in a mate/partner. Pretty can do just as much damage as the not so pretty….moreso since their looks allow them to get away with so much.
A relationship that makes you feel “less than” is a relationship that you need to be out of.
Post # 13
These aren’t things you can get over. This is textbook beginning behavior that escalates toward abuse. These are major red flags. You can’t have a relationship with someone who treats you this way. Cut your losses and get out.
Post # 14
This sounds super toxic. I would exit this relationship asap. Please please please listen to the bees who have been there with regard to verbally abusive and physically abusive relationships.
Post # 15
Bee, listen to your friends.
This guy emotionally cheated on you after 4 months of dating? That’s still the honeymoon phase. What is he going to do when things get hard?
And there is no excuse for him to yell and call you names. That is not okay. I don’t care how terrible his childhood is. That’s an excuse to treat you like garbage.