Cut my losses or keep trying? help!

posted 4 days ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3458 posts
Sugar bee

We must have different definitions of what a great catch is then. Because nowhere in my definition of great catch does it involve someone who cheats on me, has a temper, or verbally abuses me.

You didn’t bother to listen to your friends, so I’m not too optimistic that you’ll bother listening to us. But if you aren’t in therapy already I would perhaps give that some consideration to explore whatever maladaptive thought patterns led you to believe in that being verbally abused is just something you ought to get over or that superficial characteristics like handsome makes someone a great catch.

Post # 17
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

I would not stay with this man. He sounds way to emotionally unstable. You shouldn’t have to feel like you are walking on eggshells around him. The other bees are right that this is a toxic relationship and that it’s not going to get any better. If I had to guess, he probably fights mean as a defense mechanism, but that’s not your problem. You can do much better girlfriend. I promise there is a guy out there that will treat you like a queen.

Post # 18
Member
6125 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

anonymousbee2018 :  “…but I just don’t know if i can get past this.”

Good. You shouldn’t. Dump him. 

My friends think this is more than one too many strikes (taking into account the cheating too).”

They are right. Dump him. 

“Are these red flags I should not ignore?”

Yes. Yes they are. Dump him. 

Bee, this guy is not a keeper. He emotionally abuses you and has already cheated on you once in this very short amount of time. The fact that you even mentioned he has never physically abused you means that the thought has crossed your mind, even though you say you’re not scared that it would. Think about it. How low of a bar do you want to set for this relationship? Is “at least it’s not physical abuse” really good enough? 

Post # 19
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

A bad temper is a dealbreaker for me. Everyone gets angry sometimes, but there’s no need to swear at people and call them names. You should be able to respect your partner even when you’re fighting; yelling and name-calling is not respect. It’s a warning sign that he can’t control his temper, and it will eventually escalate.

I grew up with a father like this. He yells at my mother, calls her names, slams doors, and throws things. Basically, he’s a big baby. And he does it in public, which is humiliating for my mother. Imagine marrying this guy and his behavior escalating to the point where he’s yelling at you and calling you a bitch in public places, in front of your friends, at restaurants, at the mall, at the airport, wherever you might happen to be. Imagine having to apologize to everyone for his behavior. It’s embarrassing, and it will make everyone wonder why you’re with a man like that.

To sum up: End the relationship now, while your dignity is still intact.

Post # 20
Member
885 posts
Busy bee

I think it would be reasonable to have him speak to his therapist about you going with him to a session either with him or by yourself to speak to his therapist about what kind of progress he has made on his anger issues and or if the therapist thinks he can make progress. That’s what I would do. I would want a professional opinion on whether or not he could get his anger under control or not. Also Id weigh how long he has been going to therapy in my decision. If he has been going for a year plus and is still shouting at me I would cut my losses. 

 

anonymousbee2018 :  

Post # 21
Member
885 posts
Busy bee

I agree 100%. If you think about it the newer the relationship the more everyone is on their best behavior. If at the beginning someone is already behaving badly in any way shape or form that is an indication of how good, their best behavior is. He can’t even maintain his good persona facade at the start? How bad is he going to be once he isn’t trying to be good? 

 

jacksspade :  

Post # 22
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee

That’s terrible, I would cut your losses. You looked past one major red flag and now have hit another – and you’ve only been together a year and a half. The first year is the honeymoon phase, it should be easy. If he’s acting this terribly this soon, it’s just who he IS and things are likely to get worse. 

He’s already cheated on you, and verbally assaulted you, and you’re feeling controlled by his outbursts. No matter how handsome, successful, and fun he is – he is not a catch. You can do better. 

Post # 23
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

if you have to walk on eggshells around someone who is supposed to love you inside and out there is NO LOVE.

 

Leave him, he sounds like a trash bag. In the bin he goes.

Post # 24
Member
9318 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

anonymousbee2018 :  

And so far, he has not done anything unfaithful since.

 

And, you’re certain of this because . . ?

He cheats on you and abuses you. He sounds sounds stellar.

He’s not the important element of this story.  The real issue is what makes you feel drawn to someone who mistreats you?  Someone who showed you disrespect from the early, honeymoon phase of your relationship. That’s what matters here. If you don’t dig deep and work on it now, you will just continue to repeat the pattern.

The fact that you have put up with his abuse this long suggests to me that getting yourself into therapy would be a good plan.

Oh, and they all have good qualities. It would be pretty hard to lure victims in if they revealed themselves too early.

Caveat:  Under no circumstances should you attend a therapy session with your bf.  Never, ever do therapy with an abuser.  It won’t work. He will get a map to your vulnerabilities and strengthen his manipulation skills. Most concerning is that victims are often punished at home for what they reveal in therapy. 

The odds that he gave the therapist an accurate history of his behavior are infinitesimal.

Whatever you decide, please refrain with having children with this guy.  He would be a wretched role model.

 

Post # 26
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

anonymousbee2018 :  

“we have a lot in common, we have fun together, he is successful, handsome, overall a great catch… ”

These are not important attributes and  isn’t half enough of what you need for a lifelong relationship, Bee. Your life partner should also make you feel secure, safe, loved, trusting…I could go on..

Anyone that abused and cheats on you does not, in my opinion, fall into that category..

Please listen to your gut and listen to your friends. I can’t see how the situation / his behaviour could change or turnaround enough to ever allow me to trust him or let my guard down again

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