(Closed) Cutting all ties with a parent…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

@MsBrooklynA:  I don’t know if I have any answers for you, since I am somewhat in the same boat. Not engaged yet (still “waiting”), but I know for a fact that my father won’t be at my wedding. He’s been in and out of jail my entire life, and every time he gets out claims he is “changed”. B.S. in my opinion. People don’t inherently change, and if your father’s actions are hurting you emotionally on a regular basis, I say do it.

However, it isn’t a light decision to make. I don’t know if I would cut ties simply because he won’t pay for the wedding, but if he is genuinely mean-spirited towards you, than it should be considered.

Cutting ties with a parent is extremely painful. I cry a lot when I drink because he’s emotionally scarred me so badly. A great book to read is “toxic parents”, and it helps you seperate yourself from them as a parent and see how their behavior has affected who you are as an person. It has helped me see that I am not to blame for my father’s behavior, and I can never “fix” him. I suggest reading the book see if that helps you gain some clarity.

I’m sorry you’re going through this – most people don’t understand how incredibly painful it can be. I hope it works out for you.

Post # 4
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m going to send you a PM. I can totally relate.

Post # 5
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My mother was raised by deaf parents. She was an only child. She didn’t learn how to speak until she was about 6, and she was responsible for cooking the entire family dinner by the time she was in kindergarten. I love her tremendously, but she has serious emotional issues as a result of her childhood. She yells and screams (nobody could hear her when she did this as a child,) She has social issues as well.

There have been many times in my life when I’ve had to cut her off. I learned a long time ago to ignore her, and as a result, I’m good at ignoring people in everyday life when they tick me off. My brother took the opposite route and got very sensitive towards her, and he suffers from the same emotional damage as my mother.

I’ve said it once and will say it again – just because someone is a family member doesn’t mean they need to be in your life if they are that toxic.

Post # 6
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

@Miss Orchard:  just because someone is a family member doesn’t mean they need to be in your life if they are that toxic

I totally agree. I have problems with both my mother and father (divorced when I was about 1 yr old) and both are toxic. My friends and husband are my family. 🙂

 

Post # 7
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t want to go into too many details on the Internet , but I went through a similar situation. My father is not a good person and was borderline abusive throughout my childhood. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and I was so relieved to have him out of the house. For a few years after the divorce, I tried to maintain a relationship with him, but it was clear that he was a bad person and also that he didn’t want a relationship with me. I decided for my own sanity and to heal from past traumas involving him, I needed to cut him off.It’s not an easy process and still feel sad sometimes that I don’t have a dad and about the screwed up things that happened with him.

In practical terms once you make the final decision, cutting someone off is easy; just stop communicating with them. My father was not invited to the wedding and I never considered even talking to him about it. He has tried to contact me a few times over the years, but I never responded.

Post # 8
Member
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have cut out my father and his entire side of the family.  Let’s just say things happened that I could never forgive nor forget.

Post # 10
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Yes, I wonder this often. For the past year my mom and I have not spoken; we have always had a rocky relationship as she was 15 when she had me so I think there is a lot of regret and resentment on her part towards me. I have yet to decide whether to invite her to the wedding. It is one of the scariest choices I may ever have to make because I don’t know what the consequences will be. But I also do not want her there if she is not going to celebrate our marriage. She has never gotten to know my fiance and does not even say hello to him when we have seen her. I pray about this all the time; some days it’s easier than others. Today is her birthday so naturally, it sucks.

Post # 11
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MsBrooklynA:  I have 2 brothers and they still have a relationship with him. One of my brothers is under 18, so his visitation is court scheduled, so both of my brothers visit him on his scheduled holidays. I just choose not to participate in that and spend holidays with my mom (who I am close to) or my H.

Post # 12
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I cut my father out of my life at 18 and it wasn’t until recently that we’ve began talking again (I’m almost 23). I will say that years of not talking allowed us to start over again, even though it hurt my mother so badly that we were not on speaking terms. He is walking me down the aisle soon, so I think it was all work it.

Post # 13
Member
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MsBrooklynA:  I miss not having the idea of a father.  Not necessarily him but both my Fiance and I do not have fathers in our lives (his is past). I do feel sad when I think about traditional things girls have their dads there for when it comes to the wedding… or when I see someone on television who is a daddy’s girl…

But I just have to come to terms that I was dealt with a crappy father.  He was toxic and life really is just better without him.

Post # 14
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yep. I keep BOTH my parents at bay, as theyre both toxic. Similar sitch with my dad. All my life I wanted him to love me more than he did. Once I got to be about 25 I realized its his problem. Some parents just don’t feel the love/attachment, and I’m not going to be chasing his love.

Post # 15
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My family and FI’s family have issues with substance abuse, mental illnesses, and emotional issues, and to protect ourselves from this we have both had to cut people off. his mother won”t be coming to our wedding, and Fiance says that while he still loves her as she is biological mother, he doesn’t feel close to her, and he doesn’t think she deserves to be there on our day when she might become a harzard to it.

In fact I just went ahead and asked him for you and that is what he said.

However, I think things are much different with a daughter and her father. I know I have always given my dad the benefit of the doubt when I usually just end up burnt. It’s really hard.

Post # 16
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@MsBrooklynA:  We disowned my husbands mother about nine years ago.  She was not invited to our wedding, she has never met either one of our children, we will not attend her funeral, and we will never be open to any aspect of a relationship with her. 

It, sadly, was the best thing we have ever done for our relationship and for our individual happiness.  Without going into ugly details, it suffices to say that she is the most toxic and evil excuse for a human being I have ever met.  There is simply no circumstance by which we would have any communication with her.

What I can tell you should you choose to do this is that you extended family will attempt to guilt you into compromising your stand.  I have found that the best thing you can do is be honest and as gracious but steadfast as you can.  These are the things that I tell people when they give us a hard time about our lack of relationship and the fact that she hasn’t met our children.

1.  I realize that this is hard for you to understand.

2.  The only person you can control is yourself.  You can not whine, yell, beg, or plead loud or long enough to change my mind.

3.  As parents we are the ones that are responsible to guard over who has access to our children. 

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