(Closed) cutting costs, is this a rude way to do it?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll:
    cut costs on as much as we can and serve everyone dinner : (77 votes)
    76 %
    serve family dinner, invite friends/extras for dancing and appetizers : (5 votes)
    5 %
    have the ceremony later in the afternoon and serve appetizers to everybody? : (19 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 2
    3292 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Having guests come later, after dinner, doesn’t work for me. It’s rude and inconvenient for them. 

    Here’s a better option: have a cake and punch reception immediately following the wedding for everyone. Then family & people in the wedding carry on to your reception venue for dinner, etc. etc. 

    Post # 3
    457 posts
    Helper bee

    You really should serve everybody. If you give us a break down of your budget we may be able to help work your numbers with you. 

    Post # 4
    1819 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I personally find nothing wrong with this approach. Many bees do so be prepared to get some strong responses on this one. 

    Post # 5
    1059 posts
    Bumble bee

    If you cannot afford to sit and feed your guests EQUALLY then either cut your guest list, go to a cheaper venue with cheaper per head rate.  Either way, it’s the highest of insults to treat one group of guests preferentially over the other. 


    1.  Change venues.

    2.  Cut your guest lists. 

    3.  Change your menu.

    Good luck OP!

    Post # 6
    335 posts
    Helper bee

    Did he specifically tell them it was for a save the date or did he just ask for addresses? If you were never planning on inviting them and he didn’t actually mention save the dates, pretend you were just getting addresses to send out holiday cards? 

    Post # 7
    268 posts
    Helper bee

    Couldn’t you send wedding announcements to all the extra people after the fact or did he specify in text it was for an invite?

    Post # 8
    986 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    By doing this you’re creating 2 tiers of guests.  I would be pretty hurt if I was in the “bottom tier”.  Maybe move your ceremony/reception to the afternoon and serve appetizers to everyone. 

    Post # 9
    1413 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    View original reply
    TupHoney:  Is there any chance that his texts just asked for addresses and didn’t specify for what? You could send them Christmas cards!

    I’m guessing that isn’t what happened, though. :/

    If your venue is already booked and so on, I’m not sure how you could reconfigure the schedule to make it a cake-and-punch for all type thing. I don’t really have an answer except to try to play off the texts the best you can since the save the dates haven’t actually been mailed yet. 

    Post # 10
    303 posts
    Helper bee

    Did he tell them he wanted the addresses for a wedding invitation/STD?  If not, why don’t you just send them a Christmas card and act like that’s why he wanted the address.  Then you could stick to your original plan and not add these people to your guest list.

    If he did tell them that it was wedding related, then I think you need to cut costs as much as possible and serve everyone dinner.  It isn’t polite to separate guests into an upper class (those who get dinner) and lower class (those that get to come later).  And I think it would be a huge faux pas to serve only appetizers at an event that goes from 4pm until midnight.  Another option would be to move your wedding ceremony and reception up and then do appetizers only – I’m thinking something like 2pm-7pm.


    ETA:  my post crossed with several others saying the same thing, sorry to be redundant!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by mrsyeti.
    Post # 11
    1157 posts
    Bumble bee

    In the UK we do “Day Ceremony and Wedding Breakfast Reception” and then “Evening Reception with finger buffet”. 100% of weddings I’ve ever attended have done this. 

    (BRB everyone, gonna get some shots to start the drinking game… can’t wait for the first “tacky”!!!)

    Post # 12
    1936 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Definitely find out exactly what he told them first. If he didn’t specifically mention an invite, send them holiday cards! 

    Post # 13
    8019 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Any chance they could think you need the addresses for holiday cards? Or did he tell them it was wedding-related?

    Post # 14
    1103 posts
    Bumble bee

    Yup, stick with your original guest list, and either send an engagement announcement or a christmas/holiday card to the addresses he asked for that aren’t on the list. It sounds from your post that he wasn’t telling these people they were invited or anything, just that they should be expecting something in the mail. problem solved. 

    Post # 15
    1936 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Also: men 😂


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